When I get in these unfortunate heavy brain places, confusion and lack of clarity sets in. It doesn't take long for me to be in a place that pondering becomes a burden that feels unshakeable and words won't come to express what weighs me down. Chad can see the wheels turning, but can't relate to why I can't stop them from turning. He is gracious and patient through these strange seasons.
This is also the reason for my lack of blogging. I just can't find the words. To be honest, sometimes the words are there, but more than likely I would offend many of you and that isn't the purpose of this blog. I have no desire to stir up controversy based on my opinions.
So here I sit. Waiting to get over myself. Asking God to teach me and lead my heart to know the difference between human passions and opportunities, and His passions and opportunities.
My dad once called me "a woman with a cause even if there isn't a cause to be had."
What this means is if I watch a documentary about how a major corporation builds itself on the backs of its employees and actually costs our country billions of dollars in hidden costs, I get angry. But there is no place for this anger to go.
What this means is if my family decides to close our foster care license for a season because the rest of our life is so overwhelming, I'm afraid to tell anyone because our city needs good foster homes and I feel like a failure saying, "I just can't do it right now, but I know fostering children is important."
What this means is when I read a book called 7 I struggle through sorting through the ways I may be wasting God's precious resources and feel so heavy hearted that I'm left paralyzed struggling through how do I not exploit the poor, yet at the same time live here with my big house, my nice clothes, my plentiful food, and my nice life.
What this means is every time I see a political advertisement I'm nauseous and struggle to believe any of them. When I receive phone calls or fliers from people who call themselves Christians I resent being told if I really love Jesus I will vote a certain way. Change in our country is so needed, but we are so polarized and selfish, change seems impossible.
What this means is I long to have deep conversations about church and leadership and affecting change in our city, but I wonder if people will be scared away by the intensity of hopes and dreams. Leadership is challenging, uplifting, exciting, but can also be confusing, difficult, and lonely.
What this means is as I pass people on the street, or talk to old women in store parking lots, or workout with friends in my spinning class, or see women and children without homes, or know there are children who need parents my heart is overwhelmed and the only words that come to my mind are "Oh Jesus. We all so need your help."
I trust and believe this heaviness is for a season. I'm praying it will lift soon. I will continue to ask God to teach me and lead my heart to know the difference between human passions and opportunities, and His passions and opportunities.
When I thought, "My foot slips," your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up.
When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul.