Seasons of Heaviness

Thursday, May 31, 2012  ::  

For the last three or four months my head has been spinning with thoughts of foster care, adoption, Walmart, mommy wars, discipleship, 7, politics, church leadership, vacation, burn-out, obsessive habits in health just to name a few.

When I get in these unfortunate heavy brain places, confusion and lack of clarity sets in. It doesn't take long for me to be in a place that pondering becomes a burden that feels unshakeable and words won't come to express what weighs me down. Chad can see the wheels turning, but can't relate to why I can't stop them from turning. He is gracious and patient through these strange seasons.

This is also the reason for my lack of blogging. I just can't find the words. To be honest, sometimes the words are there, but more than likely I would offend many of you and that isn't the purpose of this blog. I have no desire to stir up controversy based on my opinions.

So here I sit. Waiting to get over myself. Asking God to teach me and lead my heart to know the difference between human passions and opportunities, and His passions and opportunities.

My dad once called me "a woman with a cause even if there isn't a cause to be had."

What this means is if I watch a documentary about how a major corporation builds itself on the backs of its employees and actually costs our country billions of dollars in hidden costs, I get angry. But there is no place for this anger to go.

What this means is if my family decides to close our foster care license for a season because the rest of our life is so overwhelming, I'm afraid to tell anyone because our city needs good foster homes and I feel like a failure saying, "I just can't do it right now, but I know fostering children is important."

What this means is when I read a book called 7 I struggle through sorting through the ways I may be wasting God's precious resources and feel so heavy hearted that I'm left paralyzed struggling through how do I not exploit the poor, yet at the same time live here with my big house, my nice clothes, my plentiful food, and my nice life.

What this means is every time I see a political advertisement I'm nauseous and struggle to believe any of them. When I receive phone calls or fliers from people who call themselves Christians I resent being told if I really love Jesus I will vote a certain way. Change in our country is so needed, but we are so polarized and selfish, change seems impossible.

What this means is I long to have deep conversations about church and leadership and affecting change in our city, but I wonder if people will be scared away by the intensity of hopes and dreams. Leadership is challenging, uplifting, exciting, but can also be confusing, difficult, and lonely.

What this means is as I pass people on the street, or talk to old women in store parking lots, or workout with friends in my spinning class, or see women and children without homes, or know there are children who need parents my heart is overwhelmed and the only words that come to my mind are "Oh Jesus. We all so need your help."

I trust and believe this heaviness is for a season. I'm praying it will lift soon. I will continue to ask God to teach me and lead my heart to know the difference between human passions and opportunities, and His passions and opportunities.

Psalm 94:18-19 

When I thought, "My foot slips," your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up.
When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul

11 important comments so far. What are your thoughts?

Cole said...

I know exactly how you feel. Exactly. Thanks for sharing!

Unknown said...

Wow! You just blogged my life! Feeling exactly the same way but about other things. To not have words, you expressed my feelings well. Thanks, Angel! You always encourage and inspire me.

Alysa said...

Would you quit stealing my thoughts??? :) Seriously, in the same boat right now. It's easy for all of this to become paralyzing...or for me to want to jump up and do everything whether it's what God wants me to do or not...Love you.

Crystal said...

I think multi-tasking, even emotionally/mentally, with all the issues surrounding us on personal and public levels, just is really exhausting for women. This is when I know must get still and find out what God is asking me to do and intentionally let go of the other things. sometimes envisioning myself handing Jes-us these burdens is helpful. That is where the things I cannot personally solve belong.
Hugs and Hope you are made to lie beside still waters for a season!

Unknown said...

I think I've felt a little how you feel... Sometimes I feel guilty about not mourning problems that I see. During those times I think I have a lot of energy to put towards taking physical steps. Other times I am paralyzed by all that I see, and those times are for lots of praying.

On a political note, I took the Vote Smart quiz the other day, and agree less than 50% of the time with all current presidential candidates. It was disheartening.

grey rose (they/them) said...

yes. me too.
praying for you, dear angel!
so grateful for how the lord is using you.

Angela DeSoto said...

Your authenticity is so refreshing, and I love that. But what I love even more is your continued commitment to take all your burdens, large or small, with humility, to Jesus. I love that you mentioned the human passions/opportunities we have vs HIS passions/opportunities we have. That is such a great reminder of how to approach those intense situations or causes that can weigh on us so heavily.

Anonymous said...

Angel....praying that the Lord will give you a calm quietness in the midst of a swirling, frustrating world! Isn't it good to know His our weakness HE is made strong!?

Frank Viola said...

This is a good word. We need to be educated and reminded about the seasonal nature of the Christian life. God created seasons in nature for more reasons than one. Thanks!


Psalm 115:1

angie on maui said...

Despite the heavy season you are in, this is such a beautifully written post; you've expressed yourself in a way that I can completely understand and relate to. I admire you for being able to articulate such intimate thoughts so eloquently!

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. xoxo

(PS: we watched that same documentary and were so infuriated...such a disgrace)

Rahel Berhe said...

I want to say I'm sorry your heart has been heavy, but I know that if it is from the Lord then it is good. All I kept thinking about as I read this was how beautiful your heart is for even pondering these things that so many people look past. I am thankful to be under you and Chad's leadership and influence through Second Mile.

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