The Daily Battle

He did not do many mighty works among them because of their unbelief. Matthew 13:58

These words have chased me for the last few years. Three years ago I began to ask God to increase my faith, teach me not just to believe in Him, but to believe Him. Like so many people who pray that prayer, I did not know what the cost of asking for more faith would mean for me. Soon after begging God for more faith, my family and I faced a health situation that would require me to quiet my fears, trust Him with my family, and take a year sabbatical to heal and to learn to just be with God.

I learned good, rich lessons of resting, and being with Jesus, of trusting Him, obeying Him in the day to day walk of life.  But, let me be honest with you, as the time between that sweet rest grows, there are more and more days when I wonder if I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, wondering if I should be doing more. The funny thing is I know what I'm passionate about, investing in women and teaching them to do the same. I love telling people about Jesus and experiencing life transformation with them. But sometimes. Oh those sometimes. Sometimes I wonder if I am enough, if there is more, if I 'm missing something.

Yesterday Jennie Allen started the If: Gathering by challenging us with faith. There was so much passion and urgency erupting out of her. As she talked of Joshua and Caleb's faith the story was building in my heart again, am I doing what I should be doing or is there more? And then the answer came.

This faith, this life, our lives are to be spent for the Gospel, for the souls of men!

"We are at war and the prize is faith! There is nothing more damaging to hell! If God is real then let's go take the land. It isn't in the measure of our faith. It is in the measure of our immeasurable God!" -Jennie Allen

Friends, this is the stuff of daily living! This is not only the big adventure to do big things in the eyes of people. It is opening your mouth to your co-worker, your classmate, your roommate, your mom, your brother, those with whom you are in contact every day. Every normal, mundane day of your life is the actual battle!

I often believe the lie that my life is small, but I am living out my faith with my family and church in Tucson, AZ where 90% of the people are unchurched. Another level of freedom came to me during Jennie's message yesterday. The battle is for the souls of the people in my every day life. In head knowledge I know this truth. Now I'm asking God to make it a reality in the experiential knowledge of my soul. If I am not willing to fight the daily battle then I am no true warrior. Ann Voskamp summed it up at the end of the night perfectly for me as she led us in confession. Forgive me for wanting a calling bigger than my character.

Jesus, help me, help us be faithful with the few. Help me battle in the everyday. Let my character run deep. Let me long for you so much more than I long to do work for you.

Increase our faith. Please do many mighty works among us because our faith pleases you!

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What challenges your faith? Who do you need to tell about Jesus? Have you considered the measure of your character compared to the calling you desire? 

May rich blessings of faith grow in your heart as you do what He's asked you to do! 

Standing My Ground :: A Confession

Over a month ago I wrote this post about prayer. At first the stats showed that no one was really interested in reading it. However, thanks to several Second Mile community group leaders and a few others that have shared my words, it has grown to one of my most read posts.

I've been silent on this blog since I hit the publish button on that last entry. The week before Easter I led the prayer time during 2M's gathering on Sunday afternoon. A fire in my belly to urge the church to pray compelled me to speak boldly to my friends. Hopefully, my words were mixed with love and the fire I felt didn't just turn me into a dragon. Sometimes that happens, too. It's usually not pretty.

After our gathering two of my good friends came to encourage me. I told them that I was feeling like a better version of my pre-stroke self. Energized, focused, excited, hopeful, passionate, clear-headed were all adjectives I would have used that evening.

But I did not brace myself.

When I was in college and newly walking with Jesus, the words "spiritual warfare" were thrown around like a hot potato. Every bad day or rough interpersonal interaction found blame with the enemy. One could often hear among my social circle, "I'm really under attack right now," or "Oh, I'll pray for you. It sounds like Satan is attacking you." Every. Bad. Day. For reals. That's a little much, don't you think? Over the last twenty years I've come to realize that sometimes I'm just grouchy, or I wasn't responsible, or that "the enemy" isn't everywhere all the time and probably doesn't care much about what I'm doing. The real humbling stinger came when I realized there was no need for a spiritual attack if I wasn't doing anything for Jesus that Satan wouldn't like. Why would he waste his time on a spiritual time waster? Ouch.

Don't be shocked, but for many years in my late twenties and thirties I swung to the other extreme in spiritual warfare by thinking God's enemy and his minions couldn't care less about me. I was convinced they were busy torturing true soldiers of God like Billy Graham, the Pope, or Beth Moore. If any unexplained difficulty popped up in my life, I blamed my own sin or assumed God was using difficulties to sharpen and chastise me (which, by the way, can very often be true). If anyone mentioned to me that I may be "under attack" I could easily justify why I thought it was a bogus idea.

Lately I've been pondering spiritual warfare because after I wrote a blog about praying, asked the church to pray, witnessed people surrendering their lives to Jesus, and more whole-heartedly than ever in my life committed to pressing into telling people about God's unfailing love things have been a little out of whack, a little crazy, and a lot discouraging. All of this has forced me to look once again to the fact that spiritual warfare exists, that there is an enemy who prowls around like a roaring lion, that our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the "spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places." 

Over the last week I began to privately brace myself in this epic battle we face. The first step was to admit that Ephesians 6 is a very real passage with very real purpose and importance. I'm reading it and meditating on it. I've also picked up three books that are good for this season of my life.

Spiritual Warfare for Women by Leighann McCoy -- Why a book geared towards women? Well, duh, I'm a woman. But more than that, the description talked about how warfare for women can often look like extreme discouragement and the desire to quit and give up. Bingo. That almost perfectly describes my emotions over the last month. She also wrote that a primary way to do good battle is to memorize scripture. If you know me, you know that sold me.

Boundaries for Leaders by Henry Cloud -- Over this last month I've found myself in very strange conflicts. Chad recently referred to me as the toilet plunger of the church because for whatever reason (sin, my need to grow in this area, the enemy taunting me in my weakness) people come to me to complain about Second Mile. Often they don't see themselves as complaining, but if I've heard a dozen people say what is not great with our church it starts to feel like complaining. I have to learn some boundaries, and not just in this area, but also with my phone, with other people's very real hardships, with people who are in need. You see, I'm a bleeding heart. I love people, hurt with them, want to help them. But, when a bleeding heart does not have good boundaries they actually end up bleeding out. That's no good. (Don't be offended if I use my new boundary skills on you. Be proud of me instead.)

Prayer: The Timeless Secret of High-Impact Leaders by Dave Earley -- I will not back down. You better believe I'm going to keep fighting. This book represents that even though I'm reading two others to help me personally in the fight, I will also be growing in my understanding of how to fight.

Books aren't the answer to how I'm bracing myself. Jesus is. He is my foundation. I'm praying and asking for relief from the burden of discouragement and the desire to run and hide.

Would you pray for my family, too? Leadership can be a lonely place. We are growing and learning, but it can be so tiring.

What about you? Are you growing and living a life that the spiritual world takes notice? Do you blame everything or nothing on Satan? What scripture do you most often go to in your time of need?

Seasons of Heaviness

For the last three or four months my head has been spinning with thoughts of foster care, adoption, Walmart, mommy wars, discipleship, 7, politics, church leadership, vacation, burn-out, obsessive habits in health just to name a few.

When I get in these unfortunate heavy brain places, confusion and lack of clarity sets in. It doesn't take long for me to be in a place that pondering becomes a burden that feels unshakeable and words won't come to express what weighs me down. Chad can see the wheels turning, but can't relate to why I can't stop them from turning. He is gracious and patient through these strange seasons.

This is also the reason for my lack of blogging. I just can't find the words. To be honest, sometimes the words are there, but more than likely I would offend many of you and that isn't the purpose of this blog. I have no desire to stir up controversy based on my opinions.

So here I sit. Waiting to get over myself. Asking God to teach me and lead my heart to know the difference between human passions and opportunities, and His passions and opportunities.

My dad once called me "a woman with a cause even if there isn't a cause to be had."

What this means is if I watch a documentary about how a major corporation builds itself on the backs of its employees and actually costs our country billions of dollars in hidden costs, I get angry. But there is no place for this anger to go.

What this means is if my family decides to close our foster care license for a season because the rest of our life is so overwhelming, I'm afraid to tell anyone because our city needs good foster homes and I feel like a failure saying, "I just can't do it right now, but I know fostering children is important."

What this means is when I read a book called 7 I struggle through sorting through the ways I may be wasting God's precious resources and feel so heavy hearted that I'm left paralyzed struggling through how do I not exploit the poor, yet at the same time live here with my big house, my nice clothes, my plentiful food, and my nice life.

What this means is every time I see a political advertisement I'm nauseous and struggle to believe any of them. When I receive phone calls or fliers from people who call themselves Christians I resent being told if I really love Jesus I will vote a certain way. Change in our country is so needed, but we are so polarized and selfish, change seems impossible.

What this means is I long to have deep conversations about church and leadership and affecting change in our city, but I wonder if people will be scared away by the intensity of hopes and dreams. Leadership is challenging, uplifting, exciting, but can also be confusing, difficult, and lonely.

What this means is as I pass people on the street, or talk to old women in store parking lots, or workout with friends in my spinning class, or see women and children without homes, or know there are children who need parents my heart is overwhelmed and the only words that come to my mind are "Oh Jesus. We all so need your help."

I trust and believe this heaviness is for a season. I'm praying it will lift soon. I will continue to ask God to teach me and lead my heart to know the difference between human passions and opportunities, and His passions and opportunities.

Psalm 94:18-19 

When I thought, "My foot slips," your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up.

When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul. 

A Different Kind of Week

Last week a friend asked me if I face spiritual warfare during the week of prayer. Based on past experiences, my response was the truth. Because of the intentionality in seeking Jesus, I had never felt like Satan had much room to mess with me during the extended time of fasting and prayer.

And then this week, the battle struck.

You know what, friends? This has been a fairly difficult week for me. Bad dreams, premonition type weirdness about family deaths, lies from my past as far back as High School. So strange. The battle is in not letting any of that junk take hold of me, but it has been frustrating to say the least. I was hoping for the exciting, joyful, face lifted to heaven type of prayer week. Instead it's been a groaning, jaw clenched, "Satan, you DLB, get out of my face" type week.  Through the power of the Spirit and not my own might, my focus continues to be with the topics my community is praying, as well as praying for individuals in my community.

Over the last year or so, God has been speaking to my heart about leadership. The leaders in my life that I have respected and trusted have been ones with a strong work ethic, the ability to go longer, harder, deeper; the ones that I knew if they were asking me to do something that they were out in front and would be there to the end with mental toughness and fortitude. They made the vision clear and gave me tools to be part of accomplishing the vision. In the times of following these great leaders, it never occurred to me the battle they were enduring on my behalf.

I am asking God to build mental toughness in me, to give me the ability to go longer, harder, deeper. I desire to communicate clearly, speak encouragement and challenge into the lives of those I lead, and to consistently and deeply pray for the people God puts into my life. But, above all of those desires, I really just want more of Jesus. I desire to live a life that points others to Him and not to myself.

Philippians 3:7:11

But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I now consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ...a righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings, becoming like Him in is death and so somehow to attain to the resurrection from the dead.

Psalm 73:25-26

Whom have I in heaven but you? And the earth has nothing I desire besides you. My heart and my flesh may fail, but my God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever!