Talking Sex :: A New Series

Monday, May 27, 2013  ::  

I walked blindly past my family who sat in the living room. Sitting on my bed, staring at the wall while a tune from the top ten radio songs of 1988 filled the silence. Maybe it was George Michael's Faith.

"But I've got to think twice, Before I give my heart away, And I know all the games you play, Because I play them too...Cause you gotta have faith, faith, faith."

My heart longed to be noticed, to be valued, to be loved. The year was filled with personal turmoil. My friends had changed their minds about being my friends. I had unknowingly made some bitter enemies who worked tirelessly for my demise. An older boy pretending to be a man continued to force his way into my space, my regrets.

But this boy was different. I talked on the phone with him late into the night almost every night, hidden under my covers to disguise my disobedience. He shared his dreams and his dark thoughts with me. I felt noticed, valued, loved. Because I assumed I was so utterly alone and despised by all who knew me, the attention he gave me was intoxicating. If I couldn't be physically smashed by the alcohol I consumed on the weekends, then I created space to be under his influence in my emotions. His urges for more than I was willing to give him were flattering at first and easy to deny.

But now I sat numb in my room. My life was changed. I was a lonely, shattered girl pretending to be a woman.

This journey towards exploration and confusion started with kids in our neighborhood when I was in primary school. They had magazines full of nakedness and we all drank it in. I saw perfectly sculpted women and believed beauty to outward, manipulative, sexual. My thoughts sunk to levels that I had no ability to understand. These thoughts plagued me and followed me into desperate places. Sexuality became soap operas and magazines which were left to the interpretation of me and my childhood friends which only grew into what a boy would want, what I was strong enough to deny, and how long I could manipulate and avoid the reputation of being one of those girls, even though I already knew I could be the leader of those girls.

As I became a mom I found myself begging God for purity over my sweet new baby girl. My motive for her purity and her future siblings was based in fear, not in holiness. I longed for my precious treasures to escape the pain and work of walking towards health and wholeness in their sexuality. As the years have gone by, my motives in desiring to raise them up in the way of Jesus so they can walk in freedom and know for sure that they are noticed, valued, loved have matured.

I'm sure you've thought about the sinking sand of sexual turmoil that surrounds our children. Do you realize they are constantly bombarded in ways that make my childhood temptations look small? Commercials, store fronts, jokes, the internet, magazines at grocery store checkout lines, and peers at baseball, drama club, or school speak of situations and scenarios their young minds have no capacity to translate.

Speaking of the culture and world around us, 2 Peter 2:14 says, "They have eyes full of adultery, insatiable for sin. They entice unsteady souls. They have hearts trained in greed." On Sunday Chad taught about this verse. He explained to us that Peter warned that culture looks at every woman considering them as a candidate for adultery. I wanted to puke and weep all at the same time, thinking through my own story and all I've sown into my own kids to protect them from such heart break.

Most of you know I am passionate about raising up my kids to honor God, to walk in freedom, to know they are purposed to act justly, love mercy, and to walk humbly with Jesus. They are treasures God gave Chad and me to steward, so I strive to steward with action and intentionality. I pray, read, research, talk with others, and seek to understand so we can parent them to the glory of God. This most definitely includes discussing sex and sexuality with each of them. These discussions continue to grow and mature through each new stage and situation my kids face. I draw from the Spirit in my life, my own experiences, and helpful resources to do the very best I can to point to health and Jesus with each question and concern they have.

I've wanted to write a specific series about talking to kids about sex for awhile. The message Chad preached coupled with the age of my family spurred me to action. While I'm not sure how many posts I will write, I am sure this is necessary and some of you have asked me to do it.

Thanks be to God that He makes all things new. He continues to speak His love and value over my life. He loves me, of that I am sure. He makes beautiful things out of us, doesn't He?

These guys? They slay me. They are so worth the effort!  

If you have specific questions you would like me to address in this series, please leave a comment or send me an email.

8 important comments so far. What are your thoughts?

Angela DeSoto said...

I know I already told you, but I am really glad you are putting these thoughts and experiences out there for is to glean from. With this convo getting only days away for Nevaeh and I, I am incredibly grateful I can learn from how you and Chad approached and continue to have this conversation with your kids.
Thank you for being so open and honest with your story. Love you!

Anonymous said...

Hi Angel,
It's been a while! I love my church here but I still miss Second Mile!!
Anyway, I'd be very interested in reading what you have to say. I am around children constantly and with the older ones I often run into questions that I answer with "You should talk to your mom or dad about that." However, some children don't feel like they can talk to their parents about it. Also, and I know this is a judgement, I feel like some parents don't give their children the "right" information.
Anyway, I'm more interested in having some idea of how to approach these conversations in a healthy manner for when I am a parent. Thanks!

Emily said...

I know the time when I will need this will come faster than I'd like. Can't wait to hear more. I don't even know what questions I'd have yet! Love you and your openness. :)

Emily said...

I know the time when I will need this will come faster than I'd like. Can't wait to hear more. I don't even know what questions I'd have yet! Love you and your openness. :)

psalm9567 said...

Angel, I think this topic is extremely relative in our day and age! My almost 14yo knows "stuff." Way more stuff than I did at that age. And we've talked a little, but I know I need to do more. Thanks for doing this. I think it's good to approach the topic Biblically (obviously), but also with our eyes opened to the culture and world view around us. Like you said, it's all about sexualization of women and girls. From clothing to car ads. Those things are great to talk about, tear apart, and then combat with Scripture. I look forward to reading more.

Unknown said...

I am so excited to read more about how you are approaching this subject with your kids! I would love to read about (and/or talk with you about) how and when you told them about your past. Especially since I've got a baby girl on the way its a fear that is creeping up on me. Thanks for your openness!

Sarah said...

I am extraordinarily excited about this! What an amazingly humble and honest and timely subject! Thank you for bringing to this to the forefront of discussion and making it safe! Thank you for your courage and your inspiration!

Monique said...

Thank you so much for being willing to broach this subject, for your openness and the depth of your sharing so that we can learn, seek, be encouraged and challenged. Sometimes it is hard to stay focused on the important priorities we have as parents. Other times we see our call clearly, but are merely overwhelmed by the task and don't even know where to start. Thank you for opening up the topic and sharing your experiences and thoughts.

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