Talking Sex :: The Littles

If you missed it, I decided to write a series on talking to kids about sex. After this post and this post, I received more than a few emails which led to good, hard, expectant, and hopeful conversations about personal growth and healing. I appreciate when people think deeply through their own lives to discover God's very best intentions of making them more like His Son. Thank you for being such thoughtful friends. I'm praying for you as you learn, grow, and heal.

Psalm 139:23-24

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. 

As we journey more into this process, please continue to be mindful to journey through your own story. It is naive and ignorant to think your own life in this area will not affect your kids' lives in this area. We are to steward them with diligence, faithfulness, attentiveness, wisdom, and with much, much prayer.

Kids are not dumb. They are observant, funny, talkative, little sponges building who they are and what they will think about life with each and every interaction they have with the world around them. Whether we actively value the foundation laying process of their lives or not, they will build, grow, learn, mature.

Below are a few thoughts on talking with young kids about these important topics.

Thought One 
One of the successes Chad and I have had in this area with our kids is to not freak out, tease, or ignore their actions or questions.

When Kyle approached us as a young kindergartener and inquired, "What does f@*$ mean, mommy?" Well, we may have freaked out a little because as we sat in shock he said it about five more times. Finally, Chad was able to calmly talk to him about choosing wise words as we speak. He answered Kyle's innocent question appropriately. Knowing our kids is so important in these times. Kyle has always been a word guy. He soaks up language, was hearing a new word in school, and wanted to know what it meant. It is not over simplifying to state that taking time to converse with Kyle in that moment built security in him to know he could come to us with his next question. Believe me when I say his questions have only grown in depth and complexity through the years.

Meet their questions with gentleness and respect. Think through the age of the child asking. What can they handle in your response?

Seven years ago one of our dear family friends was about to give birth. Kyle and Esther had been very excited and interested in the arrival of a new baby to our community. At lunch a couple of weeks before our friend's due date, they decided to question me about how the baby would make its arrival.

Esther asked, "Mom, how will the baby come out?"

Being skilled in diplomacy, I responded, "(Our friend) will go to the hospital and the doctor will get the baby."

She asked, "But how will the baby come out?"

I simply stated, "The doctor will help her, and then the baby will be here."

Not satisfied Kyle chimed in, "But how will the baby come out of her stomach?"

"Kyle. Esther. Are you sure you want to know?"

"YES!!"

I started a very basic explanation and almost immediately their hands flew over their ears and they yelled, "No more! Stop talking! That's terrible!"

The next time they saw my friend, they approached her to give her a warning about what she was about to endure. My little community loving kids were willing to brave a difficult conversation for the sake of their friend.

Again, age appropriate answers. I didn't jump immediately into directly answering their questions. I gave them enough information to satisfy their need for knowledge of the situation. As a parent you must decide who you want answering your kids' questions. I don't know about you, but I want Chad and I to be the people they trust most in the world with their precious questions. Of course there are other people in their lives, but Chad and I ultimately are the ones responsible, especially in this sensitive topic.

Thought Two
Not overreacting about body parts is so fundamental in giving them security. Professionals generally state we should teach our kids proper names for their parts. I agree. But, because my family is a bunch of goofs, we also use all the other funny words. We are not a proper bunch. A few years ago a couple of my kids asked what the lady part was called. Their response was, "That sounds a lot like Virginia!" Why, yes it does, and it henceforth shall be called. My response? I laughed! We all laughed. Because it was funny. Teaching them is so much easier if you allow yourself to laugh. But, here is the key. I did not laugh at them. I made sure they knew that I thought they were brilliant and funny, not stupid for what they said. There is a huge wide world of difference. We laugh with our kids in these moments, never ever ever at them. That will build sexual insecurity faster than you can say Virginia.

But, we must make sure we are balanced. We cannot always make jokes about our bodies or we stop taking the special nature of ourselves seriously. We cannot always be so serious, or we dry up and blow away like dust because we are so boring. Roll with the style of your family. We all cackle like a bunch of middle schoolers (oh wait, half of us are middle schoolers) whenever the words balls or wiener show up in life. Every single time. It's weird. And I don't think it is unholy. Above all, honor God even in your humor. (And yes, those words show up more often than you think.)

For the most part in our home, we call body parts "privates." This is intentional. The word private means belonging to an individual person, restricted use. Yes. Exactly. "Private" does not conjure up shame. We've spoken to our kids that God made us beautifully, perfectly, intentionally, and there are certain parts He made that only belong to ourselves. "Private" means no one else touches, takes a peak, or has access to. We've talked with our kids at length about protecting what is private in life, not just body parts, so they have a healthy understanding of the word. Again, their is no shame associated with who they are, male or female, God created each.

Thought Three 
Chad and I want to treat each other with respect and dignity, especially in front of our kids, to show them Chad does not view me as an object and I do not view him as a taker. There is no groping in our home. Neither of us ever objectify other men or women. My kids have never heard Chad comment on a woman's body parts. He is a kind man who desires to teach our daughters they deserve to be treated as treasures. He is a strong man that desires to teach our son to see women as image bearers of God, not objects.

What about your heart, attitude, or home? How will the way you respond to the opposite sex influence how your kids respond? Does how you treat your spouse in public and in your home demonstrate love, respect, and dignity? Does how you look at people around you teach your kids that humans bear the image of God?

It is important to remember the difference between groping and affection. Showing your kids that you love each other through physical touch is also important. Holding hands, cuddling, a sweet kiss show kids that the love mom and dad have for each other is different than the love they have for anyone else. They will find security in the love you have for each other. Building security in your home shapes the security they will know in Christ.

Thought Four 
This one may be extreme for some of you, but I am speaking from experience here. Don't let your kids play too long by themselves or unattended with friends. Keep bedroom doors open when they have company. Check on them. Observe what they are playing. Ask them about their conversations. Don't interrogate them, but be interested in their thoughts, friendships, imaginations. Too much can happen to our kids when they are left alone. Know where they are, who they are with, and who they are talking to in your home, when you are out and about, enjoying the hospitality of others, and even at church.

Pray over them as the play. Ask God to give them pure thoughts. Pray that at the very least they will not be followers into areas they know are wrong, and also pray bold prayers that they will lead peers into good conversations and play time. From the beginning of parenting, I've begged God to not allow my kids to be given to rebellion and that each child would to desire to please Chad and me which would ultimately lead to their desire to please Him.

Final Thought for Today
Honestly, I could keep going on these thoughts. The more I write the more I want to tell you. Do you have any thoughts or questions about what I brought up in this post? I would love to know where you are in this journey.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought with a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

Sex Talk :: First Things First

If you want your kids to grow up with the healthiest possible view on their own sexuality, you better have a healthy view of your own sexuality. Have you thought about that? How can I teach my kids something about who they are if I have no idea who I am?

If I want to teach Esther to drive a stick shift, then I must know how to drive a stick shift.

If I want impart my baking skills to Morgan and Carah, then I should know how to make delicious cookies.

If I want Kyle to excel in his crazy difficult school studies, then I better get him a tutor. Ha!

Of course all of my kids can learn wonderful skills without my influence, and they do! But when it comes to their view on sexuality, Chad and I want to be their main teachers and influences. I will not leave it to chance, others, or their own exploration. They are too valuable. Becoming the best teacher for them in this area is not an option.

As I shared in my last post, I had some personal work to do in my view of myself. I felt shrouded in shame and because of the unfortunate and unintended message of the church, I felt liked damaged goods. Thankfully, I experienced God's all-sufficient grace to me at a very young age. Some of the first healing he spoke into my life was through a perfect white rose in a beautiful rose garden. His words brought comfort, whispering to my heart that he saw me as pure as the rose I held in my hands. The difficulty came in the years of struggle, confession, and mind re-wiring of forgiving myself. Looking back I can see all the work sown into finding freedom and health enabled me to speak freely, openly, healthily about sex to my kids.

Each of us has a story in this area. The personal discernment of your own thoughts is a great place to start. Are you aware? Have you thought through your own upbringing and exposure to sex? Did your family talk about it? How? Openly? Discreetly? With confidence? With purity? What is your view on modesty? How did this view form? Are you comfortable in your own skin? Do you know about brain development in children and adolescents and how to talk to them with age appropriateness in these areas? Are you a question asker not only of others, but also of yourself? Think. I mean, thiiiink about these questions and others deeply, for your sake, for your kids' sake, and for the glory of God.

Once you've established a healthy growing desire to learn and mature with your family, you're all set. Notice I did not say, "Once you've got it all figured out you can start having conversations." Friends, I learn new ways of communicating deep things to my kids all the time. A good parent is not someone who is the perfect expert at everything. A good parent is someone who is on a journey of learning and growing to impart truth, wisdom, and understanding to your children. Knowing the difference is freedom.

It frees you to say, "I'm sorry, child."
To say, "That is a great question and I do not know the answer, but I will find out."
To say, "You are going through some whacky changes that I do not understand, but I will research to see what I can learn and not hold these changes against you or make fun of you or punish you out of my frustration."
To say, "I don't want you to behave in this way because it is destructive towards you and those around you. I want the very best for you."
To say, "I love you. I'm not the expert, but I'm your parent and God entrusted you to me to steward to the best of my ability and the best means I will read, study, pray, learn, grow with you."

As you journey in sharing very deep concepts with your kids, check your heart to make sure you've wrestled these very deep concepts for yourself. First things first! It is the same idea we hear on airplanes whenever we fly. "Please put on your oxygen mask before you assist those around you." Fresh oxygen gives you the perspective and ability to help. If you are still breathing in wrong thinking and ideas of sexuality, you will be unable to help your kids develop and grow with extreme health in these areas. Note: This is why the questions above are so very important. You do not have to have a story like mine to have an unhealthy view on sex. If you know nothing of biblical sexuality, but try to teach someone about it, aren't you trying to put on their oxygen mask before you've taken care of your own? Come to a place of ease, peace, beauty, healing, contentment in these topics so that you can communicate with your family without fear, prudishness, inappropriate humor, ignorance, or scientifically wrong information.

Is it a huge assignment? Yes. Absolutely. But, look around! Look at what the world is telling our sons and daughters about their bodies! I will take the assignment and do all the extra credit I can to give my kids the view that they are fearfully and wonderfully made, that God has purposed them to worship Him with their bodies, that He has called them to live a pure life that pleases him.  

Some of you may want to ask me if I may be over-thinking all of this a bit. Well, yes. I am. That's the story of my life. But, I hear on a fairly consistent basis what great kids I have...God's grace, prayer,  intentionality, and over-thinking, my friends.

Do any of the above questions resonate with you? Do you have a close friend or confidant with whom you can discuss these ideas? Have you considered seeking biblical counseling for areas you may feel stuck in your own healing process? If first things first is true, what is the first (or next) thing you need to do to continue to walk towards health in talking with your kids about sex?

Talking Sex :: A New Series

I walked blindly past my family who sat in the living room. Sitting on my bed, staring at the wall while a tune from the top ten radio songs of 1988 filled the silence. Maybe it was George Michael's Faith.

"But I've got to think twice, Before I give my heart away, And I know all the games you play, Because I play them too...Cause you gotta have faith, faith, faith."

My heart longed to be noticed, to be valued, to be loved. The year was filled with personal turmoil. My friends had changed their minds about being my friends. I had unknowingly made some bitter enemies who worked tirelessly for my demise. An older boy pretending to be a man continued to force his way into my space, my regrets.

But this boy was different. I talked on the phone with him late into the night almost every night, hidden under my covers to disguise my disobedience. He shared his dreams and his dark thoughts with me. I felt noticed, valued, loved. Because I assumed I was so utterly alone and despised by all who knew me, the attention he gave me was intoxicating. If I couldn't be physically smashed by the alcohol I consumed on the weekends, then I created space to be under his influence in my emotions. His urges for more than I was willing to give him were flattering at first and easy to deny.

But now I sat numb in my room. My life was changed. I was a lonely, shattered girl pretending to be a woman.

This journey towards exploration and confusion started with kids in our neighborhood when I was in primary school. They had magazines full of nakedness and we all drank it in. I saw perfectly sculpted women and believed beauty to outward, manipulative, sexual. My thoughts sunk to levels that I had no ability to understand. These thoughts plagued me and followed me into desperate places. Sexuality became soap operas and magazines which were left to the interpretation of me and my childhood friends which only grew into what a boy would want, what I was strong enough to deny, and how long I could manipulate and avoid the reputation of being one of those girls, even though I already knew I could be the leader of those girls.

As I became a mom I found myself begging God for purity over my sweet new baby girl. My motive for her purity and her future siblings was based in fear, not in holiness. I longed for my precious treasures to escape the pain and work of walking towards health and wholeness in their sexuality. As the years have gone by, my motives in desiring to raise them up in the way of Jesus so they can walk in freedom and know for sure that they are noticed, valued, loved have matured.

I'm sure you've thought about the sinking sand of sexual turmoil that surrounds our children. Do you realize they are constantly bombarded in ways that make my childhood temptations look small? Commercials, store fronts, jokes, the internet, magazines at grocery store checkout lines, and peers at baseball, drama club, or school speak of situations and scenarios their young minds have no capacity to translate.

Speaking of the culture and world around us, 2 Peter 2:14 says, "They have eyes full of adultery, insatiable for sin. They entice unsteady souls. They have hearts trained in greed." On Sunday Chad taught about this verse. He explained to us that Peter warned that culture looks at every woman considering them as a candidate for adultery. I wanted to puke and weep all at the same time, thinking through my own story and all I've sown into my own kids to protect them from such heart break.

Most of you know I am passionate about raising up my kids to honor God, to walk in freedom, to know they are purposed to act justly, love mercy, and to walk humbly with Jesus. They are treasures God gave Chad and me to steward, so I strive to steward with action and intentionality. I pray, read, research, talk with others, and seek to understand so we can parent them to the glory of God. This most definitely includes discussing sex and sexuality with each of them. These discussions continue to grow and mature through each new stage and situation my kids face. I draw from the Spirit in my life, my own experiences, and helpful resources to do the very best I can to point to health and Jesus with each question and concern they have.

I've wanted to write a specific series about talking to kids about sex for awhile. The message Chad preached coupled with the age of my family spurred me to action. While I'm not sure how many posts I will write, I am sure this is necessary and some of you have asked me to do it.

Thanks be to God that He makes all things new. He continues to speak His love and value over my life. He loves me, of that I am sure. He makes beautiful things out of us, doesn't He?

These guys? They slay me. They are so worth the effort!  

If you have specific questions you would like me to address in this series, please leave a comment or send me an email.