To Cherish and Care For, Part 2

Our little guy only lived with us for two weeks. He came, we unpacked, he went to his summer program, we swam a few times, cuddled often, my kids read to him constantly, and then he left. For some reason, God has given me the ability to have very difficult conversations with kids with grace and dignity. This was one of those times.  I had to be the one to break the news to him that he would be leaving our home to live in another state with someone he may or may not know.

This is the life of foster care. My family was so heavy-hearted when our little friend left, but not because we had grown attached to him or felt sad for ourselves. To look at my children and tell them that there was no way to know about his future was difficult. I'm grateful that they are experiencing real life ways to know and trust that God is sovereign and God is good even when we don't know the outcome of a given situation. Chad and I can tell them all the time, but for them to get to move head knowledge to experiential heart knowledge is invaluable.

You know, I had always had a plan for the size of my family. Before Chad and I were married, we thought we would have five kids, then we adopted Esther. Quickly, we decided four would be a nice number. After Kyle was born, three became our new ideal. God knew what we really needed and apparently He thought it would be really funny if we had twins...Morgan and Carah.  I cried for a month when I found out I was carrying twins because I was so afraid. I definitely did not think I had the qualifications or skills to parent four kids.  But, God is sovereign and God is good. He knew all along that we wouldn't be stopping at four.

One of the biggest reasons I drug my feet in getting back into foster care is a fear of how many children I will actually end up with.  God has graciously given Chad and I a way with kids. I'm not the person that kids run to for fun, silly voices, cute games, or treats from my purse, but our home is a place kids can find secure love, consistent boundaries, attention, affection, and appropriate discipline. As much as I'm afraid to admit it, I have a feeling we will have countless kids come through our home. God has not shown this to me to be His plan, but I believe He has asked me to surrender to His will for our family. I'm terrified that I will be the old woman who had so many kids she didn't know what to do. (Hopefully, I won't have to live in a shoe.)

For now, we are keeping our placement open for a young boy. We are praying God will allow us to adopt a boy at some point. Our family will keep believing that God has a sovereign plan for our family and that He is completely good.

Please know that saying God is good does not mean that I think he will give us a life of ease and comfort. His goodness means that He wants us to become more like Christ who gave himself up for us. He doesn't promise that our lives will be easy, exactly like we hoped or planned, or that we will get what we think we deserve for all the great things we think we are doing. His goodness includes giving us joy, hope, peace, never abandoning us, and mostly pointing us to Himself where we find ultimate satisfaction.

More thoughts are coming...

To Cherish and Care For, Part 1

Almost 5 years ago, God abruptly brought four beautiful girls into our home. Naively, we agreed to keep them with us for a few months. We were told it would be three to six months of time spent in our home and lives. Almost two years later, they were finely allowed to go live with an aunt in another state.

When they came to live with us, Chad and I were not licensed foster parents. (We became licensed a few months later.) To be completely honest, the thought of being a foster parent had never occurred to me. In that season of my life if you would have asked me to become a foster parent, I more than likely would have laughed in your face, told you kids just aren't my thing, and chuckled at your absurdity for days to come. This is probably the reason God chose to drop the four precious girls in my lap instead of asking me to take steps on my own.  My thick skull often requires unavoidable obedience.  

When the girls left our family, they took with them pieces of our hearts. My own four kids still regularly talk about and pray for them.  All six of us were forever changed. I knew for certain that I could not keep them forever, yet at the same time my heart was so downcast and broken when they left. The dualistic nature of my heart in the entire process of fostering them was astounding.  I would long to love and protect them while at the same time, long for our lives to be back to "normal." When they were finally in their new home, I boldly spoke that I was out. Done. Finished. Foster care wasn't my cup of tea. We told our foster care specialist that we would only be helping other foster families by providing respite which in my mind provided a needed service and required very minimal from me. 

Three years have past with many foster kids coming in and out of our home so their permanent foster families could take a short break. Respite was something I cherished during our time with the girls, so I was happy to help foster families in this way. 

Last October God put it on Chad's heart to take our church through the book of James. Over and over Chad talked about caring for those in distress... widows, immigrants, the poor, and orphans. My heart was stirred once again for foster care, but I was forcefully shoving it out of my mind. My excuse list exceeded all rational thought, but the basis of my denial was fear. 

The two years with the girls required almost everything I had. It was overwhelming, exhausting, heartbreaking, time-consuming. Feelings of fear of neglecting my own children plagued me. I didn't have the capacity to do anything but parent eight children. Our days were masterfully ordered like a boot-camp, and inwardly, all I had to give to God was my tears. During the book of James, Chad revealed to me that he had been thinking that we should open up our home again for a foster child. The confirmation that God had stirred the same conviction in both our hearts without us talking about it was timely and poignant. Our children had been asking for months if we could take in a young foster boy, and now God had showed his intent to Chad and me. 

Our placement was open for almost six months with no word of a child coming to live with us. The spring semester was so difficult because of life and ministry. Often if felt like the plates we were holding were starting to crumble because they were too full. I questioned often how in the world I could care for a needy child in the midst of all the chaos. God in His sovereignty knew we couldn't.  Because of the feelings of doubt swirling in my heart and mind, I really prayed about whether or not we should be doing this. Three weeks ago I specifically asked God to make clear whether or not he wanted us to keep our home open for foster kids. In less than a week we got a call for a five year old boy that needed a home immediately. I would say that was a fast, clear answer! 

So yes, we do have a foster son right now. In fact, our house has three extra kids because we are keeping two sweet girls for the week for respite care. However, let me be clear. None of this is exciting, happy, adventurous, wonderful, or makes us good people or heroes. In difficult circumstances, finding the words to say often eludes us as humans. I get that. Please don't feel like you can't voice your feelings about what we are doing, but please, at the same time remember what it is that we are doing. 

Innocent children are abused, neglected, rejected. People who don't know how to take care of humans have babies. Lest we become judgmental, people who do not have the means to take care of humans have babies. Many foster children's birth parents love them deeply, but they don't have skills, education, or money to care for them. 

People often ask me how we do it. How do we take them in? How do we let them go? How do we deal with their vast issues? How do we not despise their parents? How do we let our own kids be exposed to such difficult things? How do we balance the schedules? How? How? How?  

Psalm 84:5-7 talks about all of us being on pilgrimage, a journey. It says that as we pass through the Valley of Baca (of tears) it will become a place of springs and autumn rains. God gives strength to strength for each part of the journey. The strength we need for today is different than the strength we need for tomorrow because we don't know what tomorrow holds. 

That's it really. God's perfect grace gives my family the desire and ability to care for children in distress because it is what he has asked us to do. When it is time for them to leave our home we weep, but we also realize our pain is small compared to the pain they've experienced. When they act out in strange ways because of their abuse, we give boundaries and lots and lots of hugs and cuddles. When we are tempted to despise their abusers, we remember that abuse is often a generational issue, that people need education, financial help, to be loved themselves, that we also struggle with anger and bitterness and Christ works in our lives to enable us to love deeply. When I worry about my own children, I remember that they aren't really mine, but God's and He uses them to teach me deep, profound things about how to love those in distress. When I fret about overwhelming schedules, God gives us the strength to accomplish the important, and grace to not dwell on the unimportant. When I'm emotionally spent and struggling through deep fear, He reminds me that He is in control, that His faithfulness is great, and His mercies are new each and every morning.

The word foster means to promote growth or development, to bring up, to cherish or care for.  Proverbs 31:8-9 says, "Speak up for those who cannot speak up for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly. Defend the rights of the poor and needy." More and more it is becoming the desire of my heart to defend those who are destitute, the poor and needy. For now, God has asked the Haynes family to speak up and defend abused children in Tucson. As He empowers us to, we will promote growth, develop, bring up, cherish, care for, and love kids that come to live in our home. Make no mistake. This endeavor is not an easy one. This week has required much dependance on the One who develops, cherishes, cares for, and loves me and my family. I pray that we are reflecting Christ in authentic and tangible ways to the precious children that have come into our home over the last five years. Only God knows the impact He has on their lives through our family. Only God knows the impact He has on our lives through each child.  

To Blog or To Live

I've thought a lot about this whole blogging venture. One of the main questions on my brain has been, "Why am I just now starting?" From somewhere in the back, dusty part of my brain, I remembered posting on a blog called Walking the Second Mile. If I remember correctly, and there's a good chance I don't, Chad and I started blogging when we first moved to Tucson to start Second Mile. We thought it would be a good way to keep people informed about our exciting new journey. I think we wrote about the church, Cord of Hope, Chad's job at Starbucks, and family.

So what happened?

Four beautiful girls were added to our family for almost two years. My whole world was turned upside down, tossed around, kicked a few times, and completely overtaken with parenting.

I think about these beauties often, but lately, they've been on my mind more than ever. It was the most difficult season of my life to date. Parenting my own four children is hard enough. Taking on four more was more than I bargained for. My time was regimented in a way that allowed me to get things done with efficiency and survival. Tasks like blogging were not only taken off the to-do list, but forgotten they were even on a list.

It would be so beautiful and spiritual if I could say in a sweet pious voice, "Ah, they taught me so much about God, love, beauty, mercy, patience." But that would be a big fat fake lie. I did learn about all those things, but it wasn't sweet and pious. It was down and dirty, in the mud. The kind of learning that is painful and pulls so much inner muck to the surface. I learned about my selfishness. I discovered what an angry person I was, and not angry about what happened to the girls... just plain ole angry. I was obedient to what God had asked us to do, but it was often a pouty, temper tantrum obedience. And, learning to ask for help. Ugh. Talk about difficult!

Thankfully, his mercy and grace walked me through it all. His voice was often crystal clear in rebuking me and in encouraging me. He brought so much inner healing to my heart in releasing me from deep seeded anger. He put me in a situation that I wouldn't have survived had I not asked for help. In putting aside the ministry to women that I longed to be part of, he showed me new lived out truth in James 1:27. "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after widows and orphans in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."

It's true that I'm not a long term blogger with full archives and a wonderful internet history. However, in a conversation I recently had with my wise adopted oldest child, she enlightened me by sharing that she believes she, Kyle, Morgan, and Carah have been given the gift of hospitality because they can easily take foster kids into their space, love them, help take care of them, and share with them with a Spirit-filled ease. If the opportunity presents itself, I believe they would adopt another child into our home with grace and love. These lessons were learned by living out the title of our original blog and not just writing about it.

So, it's true. I'm getting a late start in the blog world, but my family is right where we belong in the race God has mapped out for us.