Claw Foot Bathtubs and K Awards

Third grade ate my lunch. I spent my kindergarten through second grade years in a small school in the thriving metropolis of Kermit, TX, population 8,000 or so. My family was blessed enough to move into a bigger house across town (a whole mile or so) which meant I would have to transfer to the other elementary school, Purple Sage, aka Purple Prison. I don't know why the kids called it that because I'm sure it was a lovely school with lovely teachers, but I was convinced. I would begin the third grade in prison away from the friendships I had obviously worked diligently as a 5-7 year old to cultivate, and by cultivate, I mean sharing my crayons and chasing boys on the playground.

To be a little braggy, I was a top dog my first three years of school. I know for a fact I was one of Miss Lemon's favorite little first graders. She had an awesome claw foot bathtub full of pillows in her room, and if you got the most papers on the board for a week you could take your rest time in the tub. It was so fantastic. (Sometimes I wonder if she ever washed those pillows. Can anyone say head lice? *shudder*) I received so many awards my first grade year that she started coming up with new, exciting ways to treat me, such as drinking a coke out of the bottle while sitting in the school office. Let me tell you a first grader in 1980 felt pretty darn awesome with a reward like that.

I didn't, however, receive the title of teacher's pet in second grade. With Mrs. Riley probably no one did. We sat in rows and dared not utter a word. I'm convinced she's started me down the track of my fear/hatred of math. Let's just say she didn't really want to help me understand how parenthesis work in an equation, but that's for another story. However, in Kermit, TX in the 1980s at the end of every school year, teachers passed out these beautiful certificates called K Awards, and Mrs. Riley thought I deserved the best handwriting award plus a couple of other acknowledgments. In first grade, Miss Lemon gave me a stack of K Awards. So, in first and second grade my desire to achieve for recognition was born.

Can't you just imagine how funny and cute it must have been seeing me belt out "I AM A PROMISE" at the top of my lungs during the talent competition of the Miss Cinderella Pagent? I think my mom may be the only one on the planet that would defend how amazing I actually was.

2nd Grade, I think, but maybe 3rd grade based on the awesome pair of grown-up teeth that seem to be making their debut.

But, this surely is 3rd Grade, maybe. But that short suit... don't be jealous. 

Third grade, however, was a whole new playing field. "Thankfully" (kind of) I had a "friend" (kind of) from church in my class. Truth be told, I was pretty much jealous of her because I fully believed she could do everything better than me... roller skate, sing in our kids' choir, memorize bible verses, all the important little kid things. And "thankfully" she sat right in front of me in our row on the first day of third grade. She thought it would be a good idea to turn around and tell me all the things, and therefore, our teacher thought it would be a good idea to write our names on the board as a lesson to the whole class that chatty brats would not be tolerated. And I cried. I had never in all my life been in trouble in school. Purple Prison lived up to its name on the very first day of school.

In third grade, I struggled to make friends, didn't win any class competitions, rarely had a paper put on the board, peed my pants in class, and didn't receive a single K Award. I most definitely thought I deserved something. I mean, I had achieved in first and second grade. How could I have been so overlooked in third grade? It was a rough life for a 9 year old. The struggle was real, folks. Do not doubt it. 

Recently I was blessed with the opportunity to travel to Austin for the IF: Gathering. In the first session, one of the speakers prayed very strongly for God to speak to all of us, "to give us a word." Simultaneously in my heart, I was telling God that if he had something specific I would listen, but that he owed me nothing and I would be content to be in his presence. But do you know what he did for me? Gave to me in very specific, personal ways. He is a good, good Father. 

Throughout my life I've been a hard worker, sometimes for the sake of hard work and sometimes for the sake of what I could gain, whether an award or a friend or a pants size. But, God showed me during IF that through the years of my life, what seemed to be an independence or an indifference to people's response to me was actually a wall of protection I had built because of life's disappointments. 

You see, I believe it's all connected. What happened to us as children certainly affects how we interact with the world as adults. God showed me that as a nine year old I began to believe the lie that I was overlooked. One would think that something so seemingly insignificant wouldn't affect me, but one would be wrong. As God was gently revealing this to me, I saw glimpses of how I responded to situations in middle school, high school, college, and even now, of how I played off being "overlooked" like a cool cat. I had let a corner of my heart become hard and stoney. 

The ironic truth is that I am overlooked by people quite often. As God was working in my heart during one powerful song, he was revealing to me that through all the overlooking, I had begun to believe that he was also overlooking me in order to use other friends, other leaders, and other churches. Through his kindness he was breaking the chains on my life by whispering to me that I belong to him, he knows my name, he uses my gifts, he has me in the place he chose for me. 

Please know I haven't been walking around for the past 33 years trying my hardest not to be overlooked. The rotten fruit of this lie recently showed up in my life by way of a discontentment in wondering if I was doing enough or even if I was enough. I found myself constantly looking to the left and to the right to see what others were doing, and to see if anyone was looking at me. It was exhausting, and most definitely robbed me of contentment and joy. What he showed me that day in Austin is that he is enough. Now I've known this in my head for years. With my hands lifted high I could honestly and loudly sing all the songs telling him that he was enough for me. But the beauty of rich, God-revealed living is that he not only wants us to know his truths in our heads, he wants us to experience them in our lives. Through the power of his Spirit, he was moving this grace from my head to my heart, so I could live it, believe it, and proclaim it. Such sweet relief.   

To wrap up the weekend at IF, we each wrote our step of faith (where and what) to show how we would respond to what God spoke to our hearts. I wrote: My place is Tucson, and my step is to believe that I'm not overlooked and to lead my people with as much love as I can give. Honestly, I think I've been loving them strongly for a really long time. But, I also know that I've reserved the stoney part of my heart for self-preservation for when someone leaves, or gives harsh critique, or chooses someone else over me. And guess what! People will leave. I will receive harsh critique. Others will be chosen over me. But as much as I know I would not overlook my children for someone else, I know God doesn't overlook me. And as much as I know my children aren't meant to do everything all the time, I know God does not mean for me to take on responsibility that he hasn't given me. And as much as I want my children to find their niche and be filled with such great joy while maintaining soft, pliable hearts, God wants me to love where I'm serving, love the gifts he's given me to use, and to allow him to mold and make my heart more and more like his. 

Interestingly enough, when I returned to Tucson, I heard from my women that I love to lead, that they missed me. They, too, wrote on rocks while engaging in the simulcast of IF, and they left their pile of rocks on my desk which was a beautiful display of their love for me. I use the words on their rocks to pray for them by asking God to give them strength, perseverance, and joy as they take their faith steps. 

Friends, even if the people around us, people we think should see us, people we long to know can't seem to even remember our names, God never ever overlooks his children. He doesn't seek to give us a job or a platform or a best friend or a spouse or the perfect house to prove he remembers us. He has already given Jesus and his Spirit to prove that we've not been overlooked. He is fully available to us. We no longer need to look to the left or to the right to see what others are doing or to see if they are looking at us. We only need to look to straight ahead to the face of God. 

So, if you made it this far, congratulations! This lengthy thing is more like a chapter of a book than a blog post. Thanks for hanging with me until the end. As a reward (ha, see what I did there?) I'm doing a little give away. To enter all you have to do is leave a comment. Answer one of the following questions and then at the end of the week, I'll draw someone's name. 

I'm giving away Donald Miller's new book Scary Close. It is so, so good. I read it in a couple of days, and if you know my slow reading abilities that should tell you how good it is! Mr. Miller will challenge you in your ideas of vulnerability and relationships. I thoroughly enjoyed this book and I will read it again.

Leave comment to enter because you want this book. I promise.  

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What have you been learning lately? Did anything I shared resonate with you? In what ways do you see you are God's beloved? In what ways have you seen the connectedness of your life? 

Many blessings in your faith steps! 

Self-awareness for Selflessness

At Second Mile we are making our way through Exodus. This week Chad taught through Exodus 18 when Moses listened to every problem every day from sun up to sun down. His father-in-law told him he would burn out and should raise up leaders to help carry the load. You can read the account here.

Many great points were made (a totally unbiased opinion, of course), but one continues to ring through my brain. In speaking of serving in leadership Chad said, "You can't be selfless unless you are aware of self."

I mentioned my purpose statement as a mom in the last post I wrote. I've also written purpose statements as a wife and as the ministry leader of Moxie. Along with these statements, I've cultivated a list of personal values, traits, qualities, characteristics that mold and shape who I am and that mold and shape what draws me to certain people. Those of you that know me won't be surprised to know that self-awareness is a value on my list. 

Self-awareness to me means knowing my strengths, weaknesses, gifts, personality, being aware of the setting I'm in, who is around, how I'm impacting any given situation. It means taking care of my body, my mind, my spirit. I value this in myself and in others. I find myself frustrated with others who are not willing to learn and grow in their self-awareness. 

As it turns out, serving selflessly in an unholy way comes easily to my personality type. If you read up on the Myers Briggs personality type ENFJ** you will read in almost every paragraph "seeks to please others" or "puts others needs above their own." In fact, personality page has labeled ENFJ's as The Givers. I like it. It's a good title. Except when I'm all gived out. 

Often I work and work and work to give selflessly to the detriment of myself. Selfless means without yourself which means something or Someone must be working through you. Often when I think of serving selflessly, I feel as if it means sacrifice personally, work until you drop, meet with whoever needs to meet whenever they need to meet. But, actually, this is the most selfish way I can serve my family and friends.

Selflessness should come from time spent with Jesus in His word and in prayer. It should stem from asking Him to rid me of my flesh and fill me up with the Spirit. Selflessness comes from listening to God when He is telling me to rest or say no or push through. It is emptying myself of my self-serving, egotistical desires. Serving selflessly means I must be aware of myself in order to know what I need from the Spirit and to humbly wait on Him as He moves in and through me. In my case, selfless serving may mean taking a break, walking through a park, or taking a nap.

Which brings me back to Chads quote and my personal value of self-awareness. I have to be aware of myself to be able to serve selflessly. It sounds like paradox to me, but it is the truth. I can't give myself to the service of others if I'm spent or if I'm walking into a situation without time spent with Jesus. I can't selflessly serve my family if I had no boundaries in ministry throughout the day. Selfless serving will not happen in my marriage if I haven't allowed Jesus to meet the needs in my heart that only He can meet. No matter how much I desire Chad to meet those needs, He cannot. It is selfish and shows a lack of self-awareness to desire Chad or anyone to fill me up. 

What about you? How do you serve? Are you aware of yourself? Do you understand the difference between selfless serving through the Spirit and selfish serving from your own strength?  For you what does it look like to selflessly serve by being aware of yourself? Can you name a few ways you can more effectively serve others by being aware of yourself?

I will continue to ponder these concepts and evaluate different situations. The ultimate goal in serving is to point to Jesus. My hope and prayer is that He will continue to teach me who I am in Him so that I can run the race He's mapped out for me, but through His power and not my own. Ironically, I will be more able to function in His strength if I am self-aware. So strange, but so true.


**If you are interested in knowing more about who God created you to be, I can recommend a few tools. Email me at angel at secondmi dot org. 

Self Shmelf :: Character Change

My hobby job is instructing fitness classes. By hobby I mean that someone pays me to workout but not enough to buy groceries or school supplies. It forces me to exercise even when I don't want to, has allowed me to meet some really great people, and puts a little fun cash in my pocket.

During the time of fasting and prayer Second Mile had a couple of weeks ago, God used my Thursday morning spin class to really illustrate a not so great part of my heart. 

Because of my fast it seemed like a long time since the last meal I had eaten. My class starts at 9:15 which may seem early enough to many of you, but after waking up kids, getting breakfast, and taking them to school, it felt like I had already been up for a whole day. The hour or so before my class started I began to give myself "the talk." 

"You don't have to push yourself in class today. Just fake it. Don't be stubborn, Angel. It's ok if you are too physically weak to cycle at your normal pace. Practice mental toughness in not riding hard and don't be stubborn." 

But as soon as I clipped in my shoes and greeted the class my real battle began. 

Source

You see, I put high value in strength and work ethic. I don't tolerate excuses or laziness in myself. If others around me are working then I feel I should work, too. My parents did a wonderful job of teaching me to work hard because they are both diligent, hard working people. They taught my brothers and me to put our noses down and get the job done. 

In the spinning class, it was time for everyone to climb up our first pretend hill. (Spinning classes simulate a road ride through hills, flat roads, and sprints. So much fun!) I told the class to add some resistance, so naturally I added a little. I argued with myself with each push of the lever to go up the hill a little further. The conversation in my head shifted. 

"Don't be a baby, Angel. So, so weak. Lots of people in 2M are fasting and they are at work. Suck it up! Push that gear!" 

Straight into what I believe was the Spirit of God speaking truth...

"Angel, where do you find true strength? Is it not within your weakness? Are you trying to win the approval of your class or of yourself by proving what you can do? Rest in Jesus no matter what circumstances come your way." 

Literally, I would push a gear up and then bring it back, push a gear up, and then bring it back, over and over. 

By the end of the class I was emotionally spent and spiritually aware of the ugliness of my self-reliance. 

Self-reliance. Ugh. I'm so familiar with the struggle of what it means to fully rely on Jesus, fully rely on Chad, on my family, on my community. One definition of self-reliance is reliance on one's own capabilities, judgements, or resources, independence. I think since I was a little girl I've probably been saying, "I can do it by myself!" 

God has led me into a variety of circumstances that required me to press into Him: marriage, living in another country, having children, moving to Tucson, foster care, leading women. But, through the week of prayer I knew God was taking me to a deeper level of conviction to not let my reliance on Him and others be based on circumstances, but to be a change in my character. The thought of my obedience to Him being circumstantial makes me ill. Oh, Jesus, please refine my character! 

Now I am on a quest for scripture, wisdom, insight, understanding of taking relying on the Spirit of God to the depths of who I am. I want to know Christ and be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but a righteousness that comes from faith. I want to know that His power is made perfect in my weakness. I want His light to shine through me and not my own puny little cereal box prize flashlight. 

I know this will be a life long lessons, but I choose to surrender to His character refinement in my life. 

Source

What about you? Are there areas of your life that obedience to God is circumstantial? Is there something He has revealed to you in the last few weeks that will need character refinement? Don't push it away, but instead press into Jesus and allow Him to bring lasting change into your life.