Empty to Full :: Lessons from Romans 8

People often declare "I'm so glad such and such year is over" or "Such and such year was the worst year yet." I'm not one to proclaim such extremes because every given year has victories, defeats, joys, and heartaches. This is my disclaimer as I head into sharing how God used January 2020 to fill me up after the emptying that was 2019.

I would never give details as to why I ended 2019 depleted, but I can say God stretched me through ministering to others in both brutal and beautiful ways. As many of you have heard, I studied Isaiah last year. (Hopefully soon I can muster the courage to write about some of what I learned through the study.) I'm confident God equipped me to do what he asked me to do by meeting me in the depths of Isaiah. He truly strengthened me with his power in my inner being through his Holy Spirit (Ephesians 3:16). Nevertheless, December arrived and my heart was heavy and sad. There were no reasons/words to explain the sadness. It just blanketed my heart. So I read Scripture about Christ coming once and Scripture about Christ coming again. His promised return was the hope I clung to through the jingle jangle holiday noise. I looked to the change of the decade with trepidation and leaky eyes. 2020 would prove 15 years of leading Second Mile, 25 years of marriage, and would usher in an empty nest.

Separately, Chad and I both felt prompted to set aside the month of January for some intensive spiritual emptying and replenishing. I floundered a bit after studying Isaiah, my head spinning, some of the dust settling, and not exactly sure what next step to take. I tried to work through a Bible study by a famous author and it only annoyed me (because of me, not because of the study). I looked into some other in depth book studies but felt frustrated and overwhelmed. In desperately needing something for my soul, I gave up all the "I shoulds" and simply read a few Psalms and Romans 8 every single day. (If you aren't familiar with Romans 8, stop right now, go open your Bible or click on the link and read it.) I knew it was a meaty, beautiful, redemptive chapter, but I couldn't have known how God would use it to completely revive my weak, depleted self.

My current Bible study tools 

May what God showed me through these January lessons from Romans 8 encourage you. Do not compare your own journey to mine. It pushes me to pursue God when others around me tell me how and what they are learning. My motives are to humbly strengthen your faith as I show you how God strengthened mine.

As January began, I didn't know what or how to pray for myself. He showed me that it didn't matter, that not only was the Holy Spirit interceding for me (vs 26), but Christ himself is at the right hand of God interceding for me (vs 34). Immediately he put me at ease that he knew exactly what I needed and was praying on my behalf.

One reason I couldn't escape the exhaustion of the last year is because I replayed conversations, events, and situations over and over in my mind, sometimes through prayer, but often simply because my brain was stuck. Through verses 1-8 he showed me how I had set my mind on things of this world and on things of the flesh. He very clearly says to do so is death. There is no life in dwelling on what I cannot understand or change. In the kindness of God he rebuked me, led me to confession and repentance, and reminded me that to set my mind on the Spirit is life and peace (vs 6). Prayerfully with God's help, this verse will forever be written on my heart. When I start to despair about the past or the future, he brings this verse to mind and leads me to life in Christ which is peace. Thank you, Jesus.

He reminded me of how secure I am in Christ. He reminded me that to be led by the Holy Spirit is to prove that my adoption by him is secure (vs 14). When the Bible speaks of a follower of Jesus being secured in his eternal family because of adoption, it resonates with me because adoption is momentous in my earthly family. But the passage goes on to say because we are adopted we can cry out to our Father (vs 15). Through a little more study, I learned the word 'cry' (krazo) means to scream, to cry aloud. This isn't a soft little whimper. This is a guttural "I NEED HELP, DAD!" He knew I cried out in this way many times last year and then he met me in the moment of reading this passage to hear my deep cry for restoration. I've continued to find healing from shame concerning emotion. The Holy Spirit removed yet another layer of shame as he invited me to cry aloud to him because I'm his daughter.

And then, the whole next section bolstered my understanding of deep guttural groaning for God! Our sufferings are not worth comparing to the glory that will be revealed to us (vs 18). What a promise! Then he says creation groans for Christ's return (vs 22), we groan for his return so that our bodies can be redeemed which means no more suffering (vs 24), and that the Holy Spirt himself groans as he intercedes for us (vs 26). I can't even express how these words describe how I felt over the last year, how I groaned for an end to suffering and for his return over and over. I can hardly make it through a song about Christ's return without tears streaming down my face. But then he reminded me through verses 24 and 25, that as his adopted kids, we hope for his return, but we hope for it with patience. Groaning through grumbling and complaining is entirely and completely different than groaning with longing and expectation. The line is easily seen and crossed when my disgust and discontentment is woefully disguised as hope. My God-focused hope is displayed through groaning that longs for God's glory in the whole world, for God to make all things new, for God to wipe away every single tear, for God to end suffering forever SO THAT every knee will bow in worship and WE WILL enjoy our one, true, holy, righteous, loving Lord God forever and ever. Come quickly, Jesus, and we wait for you with patience.

There is more I could share, but the final lesson I want to explain is the most personal. As I stated above, this is a big year for Chad and me: 15 years at Second Mile, 25 years of marriage, and launching our last two kids resulting in an empty nest. One of my main strengths is that I'm a very present person which enhances my relational abilities. I don't dwell on the past and I don't look to the future; I'm mostly fully present. Sounds lovely, doesn't it? What this means in real life is it is difficult to see myself in future circumstances. The short story is for more than 20 years, I've been very present with my kids. I would say being their mom is some of the best of who I am. Yes, I know I won't stop being their mom when they leave home, but it does change. I can easily see with Kyle and Esther that our relationship has only gotten better, and I'm believing the same will be true for Morgan and Carah. I'm not afraid of it. My fears come out in the very practical thoughts of what will I do? As I stated earlier, I am present. I can't see myself in the future without the daily grind of caring for my kids. My heart feels squished when I try to envision it. It's vulnerable to tell you I've asked God to speak to me through his Word about this for many months now. On one of the last days of this emptying and filling Romans 8 process, he answered my prayers in the simplest, most beautiful ways in a passage I've read probably a thousand times (literally). "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?" At this point in the month, my heart was FULL of God's love. He met me, healed me, replenished me, rejuvenated me, and refilled my emptiness. He then whispered to my heart that nothing will separate me... things present OR things to come. The same love that I'm experiencing in the present moment is the same love that will carry me in all things future. It truly is such a simple idea, one church kids hear in Sunday school. But, he so lovingly answered my prayer to speak to me through Scripture and not my own knowledge about launching my kids. He will uphold me because I am secure in the steadfast, unfailing love of God. The sure-footing of his love will ground me as Chad and I launch our last two kids. Simple and still profound. He is good and his Word is living and active.

Through the emptying process of January, emptying of fatigue, of expectation, of myself, God faithfully filled me back up, with his love, his presence, and his Word. I'm ready for what's next, but not because I'm confident to achieve anything for or through myself, but because my confidence is in Christ. May he continue to establish and strengthen our faith and cause us to overflow with gratitude. I will never ever stop telling you that God faithfully uses his Word in our lives. Do not give up. Keep reading. You will reap a harvest if you do not give up.

Tripping around the Sun

The gray wings above my temples continue to spread like no one cares. But secretly I care. Some days they look like wisdom to me and some days they look like the dirty pigeons that hang out on my fence I want to pop with a BB gun.

The laugh lines around my eyes prove I'm experientially learning what it means to be clothed with strength and dignity and to laugh without fear of the future. Last year I didn't feel much like laughing, but the depth of learning that took place in my heart certainly wrapped my drooping shoulders in unknown strength. Maybe the gray wings and laugh lines visibly expose the depth of dignity God sows into my life with each trip around the sun. 

The photos in this post were taken on the various hikes I took over this last year. 

Thankfully and humbly, God wired me to perceive the needs of others. Sometimes he even allows me to see ways in which I can help. My love for God and for people runs like a raging river. In times past, I've been able to stay on the Holy Spirit raft with a few trusted people who help me navigate the relational rapids. Unbeknownst to me, my raft had taken on too much water of meeting all the needs of all the people in all the world. 

Last year at this time I bailed out of the flooding raft with an angry vengeance. Expectations plagued me. Of myself. Of family's. Of other people's, perceived and/or real. Even of God's, or at least, the case I had built on his behalf. 

Words can't express the suffocation I felt. (I know some of you know the feeling.) Not only could I not meet all the expectations, I resented everyone, who I believed, thought I was failing. 

My false perceptions were thick, but what kept me under water was my inability to perceive they were false. 

I couldn't keep up with Chad's ministry pace.  

I couldn't help women understand God's love for them, let alone my love for them. 

I couldn't change people's wrong perceptions of me in "having it all together."  

I couldn't meet my own expectations of what I thought I should be able to do. 

I couldn't even meet your expectations, whoever you are. Believe me, I thought about it. 

All the things I knew to do in "counseling" myself seemed to fail.  

In a last ditch effort to gain some perspective so that I didn't torch my life and all my relationships, I went to see an actual counselor. I spent much of the year pouring over scripture, asking God to help me believe. I hiked many miles in solitude and silence, pondering expectations, shoulds, woulds, and coulds. Chad and I had long, crucial conversations. I forced myself to bail water out of my raft, and in humility, gave a bucket to a few people because I needed help. 

It actually began to work. Honestly, I was shocked because I had tried to fix it all by myself, but couldn't... the ugly, revolving door of self-expectations. But, He didn't lie when he told us that he will be faithful to complete the work started in us. What a relief! 

Through pruning and abiding in Christ, my 43rd year of life took me on a journey to a deeper understanding of what I already knew to be true. I am finitely finite, unable to meet my own or other's expectations. To walk in it is freeing. To trust the people closest to me when they say their expectations of me are to love God, to laugh, and to have fun with them: Easy. To let go of the expectations people have of me that I can't meet is also freeing, but it is a difficult choice I continually ask God to help me make. 

I've discovered a few things: 

Chad doesn't want me to keep up with his ministry pace, whatever that means. He wants me to love God with my whole heart and to be his companion. He cheers for me as we live out our lives side by side. He's secure so he never feels threatened by me when I'm full throttle zealous and passionate. He's kind and compassionate so he encourages me to rest, disengage, and even take naps. We make a crazy good team. 

I can't take women by the face and force them to look at Jesus' love. It may surprise you but this is an ineffective strategy for mentoring and discipleship. I can point to scripture, but I can't make anyone read it. I can tell you I love you and I'm doing the best I know how, but it may still hurt us both from time to time. Whether or not women I lead allow me to fail sometimes is not mine to hold. Because I'm surely going to fail, but it doesn't mean I don't love. 

I can't make anyone believe or accept my apologies when I screw up as a leader. I can't make people stay and work out relational reconciliation. All I can do is walk humbly, love wholly, and apologize when necessary. People's expectations can be fair and unfair, but I can't bend either way. I must keep on my raft with scripture, truth, and love. Right, wrong, or crazy. I will be all three on any given day. It's not about me or you. 

Here is one of the hardest lessons of all for me: It's not always my fault. Do you know how easy it is for me to get out of conflict by simply taking the blame so we can move on? I'm asking God to grow true humility in me which means getting rid of the false humility of being the relational doormat. 

The heavens declaring the glory of God. Psalm 19

The deeper sense of strength and dignity with which I am starting out my 44th year feels content, joyful, and hopeful. My gray wings and laugh lines point to a journey up some serious mountains. I have a better understanding of who I am. God truly wired me to intuit people's emotions, needs, and sometimes even their motives. I'm grateful for this gift. With this gift, I'm surrendering with greater trust that he is the Need Meeter, the Life Fixer, the People Lover. I'm a jar of clay that carries around his all surpassing power in my life through the Holy Spirit. I used to say that I know it is his power and not mine. After this year, I know this more fully. I'm believing next year I'll know it even more. And the next year. And the next year. And the next year... 

I laugh at the days to come with courage. 

With each trip around the sun, deeper still, faith, hope, and love. 

The sky above proclaiming his handiwork. Psalm 19 

 What are you learning? How are you being pruned as you abide? What is your favorite passage of scripture right now? Can you guess mine?

The End of a Season

To be jolted out of my sleep when the pitch black night still lingered didn't surprise me even though the clock glared, "4:00am." When you set aside a significant amount of time to pray and fast strange things happen. I shivered with deep cold in my bones all week. My sleep had been restless. My muscles ached. But, my soul was still and listening.

Deep, resonating conviction thickened the atmosphere of the room, so I sat up and dangled my legs over the edge of the bed to listen. 

Immediately I knew my time on the Cord of Hope giving team was over. 

Have you ever fought a battle for so long that you actually gave up fighting? Within minutes of quiet listening, God established a resolved ordinance in my guts, and showed me how tired my soul had become through 11 years of visiting clubs and leading this ministry. 

"The time is now, Angel. Let it go." 

"But what if..." 

"What ifs are not yours to carry." 

Relief came instantaneously as I thought about releasing the going, releasing the burden, releasing the chaos. And then relief gave way to conviction. 

"You've been carrying such darkness in your heart and mind, Angel." 

"I know. I'm so tired and I don't know how to make it all go away." 

"Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective." 

Tears streamed down my face as the Spirit of God used his own written word to ask me to share my deepest struggles with a friend who would pray over me. I so hoped he would give me someone who would/could just fix my brokenness, but all he asked me to do was confess so she could lay hands on me and pray. Recently I read that communal confession is a forgotten discipline. We go through the motions of confessing our sin to God, but we find no freedom because we are really only confessing to ourselves. True confession and repentance brings heart change. Isolated confession always allows for an out. Communal confession allows for prayer, accountability, and true healing. In a moment, God took knowledge which had puffed up my head, and asked me to work out authentic faith through action. 

Many times as a leader I find myself in conversations I would rather not have... confrontation, a call to holiness, pointing out scripture people would rather ignore, and conflict for too many reasons. It sucks actually. One of my biggest fears as a leader is pride. I regularly struggle with the "who do I think I am" question. In order to combat this fear in my leadership, I consistently ask God to purify my life, my thoughts, my heart, and my actions. I ask him to teach me to obey his word, to be my main affection, to help me delight in him above all else. At 4:00 on a Thursday morning during the week of prayer and fasting, he showed up to answer my prayers. 

His kindness leads me to repentance. (Romans 2:3-5)

His law is perfect and revives my soul. (Psalm 19:7)

He strengthens me in my weariness. (Isaiah 40:29-31)

He illuminates the dark in me. (Psalm 139:11-12)

His forgiveness allows me to stand. (Psalm 130:3-4)

Friends, there are days I simply want to give up. It's all too hard. I want to go to work, come home, put on stretchy pants, turn on the tv, and zone out.  But, I know deep in my bones it wouldn't lead to the full life God wants for me and my family. 

May I count everything a loss compared to knowing Jesus more and more and more. May his name be lifted higher in my life every single day. May I point people to him through truth and love. When I have done everything I can to do to stand against that which seeks to destroy, may I still stand firm on Jesus, the name that is above every name.  

What about you? What or who is your greatest affection? What is the evidence of your claims? What are you learning and how do you plan to put it into action and not just puff up your head? 

The Shakes

The ache in this world overwhelms me. Scrolling through my go to news sources so often leaves me in tears.

I cried many times today as I thought of little Aylan losing his life in the Aegean Sea. I could hardly contain myself as I read the words of his father on how he tried to save them. Truthfully, I wished I was alone while I read so I could weep and pray for him unashamedly. Ann Voskamp stirred my heart with her words as she so often does. Please read her post.

What do we do? How can we move forward when it has been documented that Planned Parenthood is selling body parts of aborted humans? What does sleep look like when I close my eyes and see Aylan face down in the sand? What can we do to help the droves and droves of people being pushed out of their land by the vile and abhorrent ISIS? How can we walk around knowing children are continually sold and used for sex over and over and over? What do we do in our own country when black people and police officers are being gunned down almost daily and peace seems impossible?

I'm at a loss. My heart aches.

I've been teased that I'm a woman with a cause whether there is a cause or not. But, when I look around there is cause after cause after cause after cause after cause after cause...

The above list doesn't even include what is happening in the lives around me. Abused kids, women struggling to find worth, men full of shame and self-loathing, people isolating themselves, people oversharing in ways promoting potential harm they can't yet see.

Last week during musical worship, my dear friend led us to "sing out to God whatever is on your heart." The only thing that surfaced was a giant lump in my throat. All I could think is, "I only know a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of the pain in this world, but you know it all. How can you bear it, God?"

And today, I'm struggling. Why doesn't he come back? What is making him wait?

My faith shakes sometimes.

It's hard for me to believe while the world burns around me. But one thing age affords me is the ability to choose to press into Jesus even when I don't feel like it.

Even when my faith shakes, I choose to lift my hands high in surrender and worship.

Even when my faith shakes, I continue to beg him to hasten his return.

Even when my faith shakes, I go to my knees to groan for the relief of my fellow humans.

Even when my faith shakes, and I want to tuck and run, I stand my ground. And after I've done everything my small, finite self knows to do, I stand. (Ephesians 6:10-17)

And for the record, my life banner bears the name of Jesus. That probably surprises exactly no one.

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Do you struggle with the world around you? What do you do when you feel the weight of it all? What do you do when your faith shakes? What do you do to stand? 

If you are still memorizing scripture with us, feel free to post your verses here. I will be focusing on passages that I've memorized that speak of hope, faith, and soul rest. 

May God move us to active compassion and prayer!

Claw Foot Bathtubs and K Awards

Third grade ate my lunch. I spent my kindergarten through second grade years in a small school in the thriving metropolis of Kermit, TX, population 8,000 or so. My family was blessed enough to move into a bigger house across town (a whole mile or so) which meant I would have to transfer to the other elementary school, Purple Sage, aka Purple Prison. I don't know why the kids called it that because I'm sure it was a lovely school with lovely teachers, but I was convinced. I would begin the third grade in prison away from the friendships I had obviously worked diligently as a 5-7 year old to cultivate, and by cultivate, I mean sharing my crayons and chasing boys on the playground.

To be a little braggy, I was a top dog my first three years of school. I know for a fact I was one of Miss Lemon's favorite little first graders. She had an awesome claw foot bathtub full of pillows in her room, and if you got the most papers on the board for a week you could take your rest time in the tub. It was so fantastic. (Sometimes I wonder if she ever washed those pillows. Can anyone say head lice? *shudder*) I received so many awards my first grade year that she started coming up with new, exciting ways to treat me, such as drinking a coke out of the bottle while sitting in the school office. Let me tell you a first grader in 1980 felt pretty darn awesome with a reward like that.

I didn't, however, receive the title of teacher's pet in second grade. With Mrs. Riley probably no one did. We sat in rows and dared not utter a word. I'm convinced she's started me down the track of my fear/hatred of math. Let's just say she didn't really want to help me understand how parenthesis work in an equation, but that's for another story. However, in Kermit, TX in the 1980s at the end of every school year, teachers passed out these beautiful certificates called K Awards, and Mrs. Riley thought I deserved the best handwriting award plus a couple of other acknowledgments. In first grade, Miss Lemon gave me a stack of K Awards. So, in first and second grade my desire to achieve for recognition was born.

Can't you just imagine how funny and cute it must have been seeing me belt out "I AM A PROMISE" at the top of my lungs during the talent competition of the Miss Cinderella Pagent? I think my mom may be the only one on the planet that would defend how amazing I actually was.

2nd Grade, I think, but maybe 3rd grade based on the awesome pair of grown-up teeth that seem to be making their debut.

But, this surely is 3rd Grade, maybe. But that short suit... don't be jealous. 

Third grade, however, was a whole new playing field. "Thankfully" (kind of) I had a "friend" (kind of) from church in my class. Truth be told, I was pretty much jealous of her because I fully believed she could do everything better than me... roller skate, sing in our kids' choir, memorize bible verses, all the important little kid things. And "thankfully" she sat right in front of me in our row on the first day of third grade. She thought it would be a good idea to turn around and tell me all the things, and therefore, our teacher thought it would be a good idea to write our names on the board as a lesson to the whole class that chatty brats would not be tolerated. And I cried. I had never in all my life been in trouble in school. Purple Prison lived up to its name on the very first day of school.

In third grade, I struggled to make friends, didn't win any class competitions, rarely had a paper put on the board, peed my pants in class, and didn't receive a single K Award. I most definitely thought I deserved something. I mean, I had achieved in first and second grade. How could I have been so overlooked in third grade? It was a rough life for a 9 year old. The struggle was real, folks. Do not doubt it. 

Recently I was blessed with the opportunity to travel to Austin for the IF: Gathering. In the first session, one of the speakers prayed very strongly for God to speak to all of us, "to give us a word." Simultaneously in my heart, I was telling God that if he had something specific I would listen, but that he owed me nothing and I would be content to be in his presence. But do you know what he did for me? Gave to me in very specific, personal ways. He is a good, good Father. 

Throughout my life I've been a hard worker, sometimes for the sake of hard work and sometimes for the sake of what I could gain, whether an award or a friend or a pants size. But, God showed me during IF that through the years of my life, what seemed to be an independence or an indifference to people's response to me was actually a wall of protection I had built because of life's disappointments. 

You see, I believe it's all connected. What happened to us as children certainly affects how we interact with the world as adults. God showed me that as a nine year old I began to believe the lie that I was overlooked. One would think that something so seemingly insignificant wouldn't affect me, but one would be wrong. As God was gently revealing this to me, I saw glimpses of how I responded to situations in middle school, high school, college, and even now, of how I played off being "overlooked" like a cool cat. I had let a corner of my heart become hard and stoney. 

The ironic truth is that I am overlooked by people quite often. As God was working in my heart during one powerful song, he was revealing to me that through all the overlooking, I had begun to believe that he was also overlooking me in order to use other friends, other leaders, and other churches. Through his kindness he was breaking the chains on my life by whispering to me that I belong to him, he knows my name, he uses my gifts, he has me in the place he chose for me. 

Please know I haven't been walking around for the past 33 years trying my hardest not to be overlooked. The rotten fruit of this lie recently showed up in my life by way of a discontentment in wondering if I was doing enough or even if I was enough. I found myself constantly looking to the left and to the right to see what others were doing, and to see if anyone was looking at me. It was exhausting, and most definitely robbed me of contentment and joy. What he showed me that day in Austin is that he is enough. Now I've known this in my head for years. With my hands lifted high I could honestly and loudly sing all the songs telling him that he was enough for me. But the beauty of rich, God-revealed living is that he not only wants us to know his truths in our heads, he wants us to experience them in our lives. Through the power of his Spirit, he was moving this grace from my head to my heart, so I could live it, believe it, and proclaim it. Such sweet relief.   

To wrap up the weekend at IF, we each wrote our step of faith (where and what) to show how we would respond to what God spoke to our hearts. I wrote: My place is Tucson, and my step is to believe that I'm not overlooked and to lead my people with as much love as I can give. Honestly, I think I've been loving them strongly for a really long time. But, I also know that I've reserved the stoney part of my heart for self-preservation for when someone leaves, or gives harsh critique, or chooses someone else over me. And guess what! People will leave. I will receive harsh critique. Others will be chosen over me. But as much as I know I would not overlook my children for someone else, I know God doesn't overlook me. And as much as I know my children aren't meant to do everything all the time, I know God does not mean for me to take on responsibility that he hasn't given me. And as much as I want my children to find their niche and be filled with such great joy while maintaining soft, pliable hearts, God wants me to love where I'm serving, love the gifts he's given me to use, and to allow him to mold and make my heart more and more like his. 

Interestingly enough, when I returned to Tucson, I heard from my women that I love to lead, that they missed me. They, too, wrote on rocks while engaging in the simulcast of IF, and they left their pile of rocks on my desk which was a beautiful display of their love for me. I use the words on their rocks to pray for them by asking God to give them strength, perseverance, and joy as they take their faith steps. 

Friends, even if the people around us, people we think should see us, people we long to know can't seem to even remember our names, God never ever overlooks his children. He doesn't seek to give us a job or a platform or a best friend or a spouse or the perfect house to prove he remembers us. He has already given Jesus and his Spirit to prove that we've not been overlooked. He is fully available to us. We no longer need to look to the left or to the right to see what others are doing or to see if they are looking at us. We only need to look to straight ahead to the face of God. 

So, if you made it this far, congratulations! This lengthy thing is more like a chapter of a book than a blog post. Thanks for hanging with me until the end. As a reward (ha, see what I did there?) I'm doing a little give away. To enter all you have to do is leave a comment. Answer one of the following questions and then at the end of the week, I'll draw someone's name. 

I'm giving away Donald Miller's new book Scary Close. It is so, so good. I read it in a couple of days, and if you know my slow reading abilities that should tell you how good it is! Mr. Miller will challenge you in your ideas of vulnerability and relationships. I thoroughly enjoyed this book and I will read it again.

Leave comment to enter because you want this book. I promise.  

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What have you been learning lately? Did anything I shared resonate with you? In what ways do you see you are God's beloved? In what ways have you seen the connectedness of your life? 

Many blessings in your faith steps! 

Soul Care

Beautiful words filled my mind when the alarm went off this morning. 

I've spent this week wondering: Wondering why Alysa gave me her IF: Gathering ticket. Wondering what to expect. Wondering about the women in the IF Facebook groups. Wondering what God has for me. Wondering what to expect or even if I should have expectations. Wondering if God has something to teach me, show me, tell me. Wondering. 

Yesterday I focused on laying all the wonderings down. The God of the Universe owes me nothing. Jesus is enough. His presence in my life is a gift of His unfailing love. As I faded into sleep and whispered the dreamy prayers of my heart, I confessed to Jesus that the break from routine and sitting in His presence this weekend was enough for me.  

At 6:05 the alarm buzzed, and my mind was instantly full. 

"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I put my hope; my soul waits for the Lord, more than watchman wait for morning, more than watchman wait for morning." Psalm 130:5-6

"My soul finds rest in God alone. My salvation comes from Him." Ps 62:1

"My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods, with singing lips my mouth will praise you." Ps 63:3

Turns out my true desire for this weekend is to rest in Jesus, to have little to no responsibility, to just be with Him. The burden of expectations has been lifted.

I'm already breathing more deeply and slowly, enjoying the slowed rhythm of waiting. My soul rests and waits. He will satisfy me, not the music, not the speakers, not the women with whom I interact. I trust He will use those good things, but He doesn't need to. He is enough. 

On Being Present

I love that you can share ideas with a ton of people through the medium of blog posts. It's very cool and convenient. But at the same time, sometimes it leaves gaps in the story, advice, or overall picture of what is being typed out. To be honest, I enjoy the process of writing to share my heart, but I do not consider myself a writer per se. I'm a leader, an investor in people, a passionate prophet, and I use this blog to share my heart, however, my written words don't always flow naturally, and sometimes, a week or so later, I feel heavy at the thought of placing unintended burdens on people.

Last week I enjoyed the privilege of sharing a bit of parenting advice on my lovely friend Alysa's blog. I most certainly stand by the overall point that, for me, each stage of parenting has been better than the last. However, after more thought on this very subject I wanted to take the opportunity to add some clarification of what it has meant for me to be present through each season with my kids.

A definition of present that I'm quite fond of is "existing in the now." That's it. Pretty basic. It doesn't say loving every single minute, thriving always, knowing exactly what to do, or being overly positive or inauthentic about life's challenges. Being present is existing in the now. Shauna Niequist put it this way a few months ago: "Present over perfect." Yes, present as to not miss anything, but being present does not require rose colored glasses of fakeness or oblivion.

My overall hope of the post was to encourage parents to be present in the seasons of their kids' lives. However, a burden of day to day drudgery may have been hoisted onto the backs of moms who are currently struggling, and that is never ever my intention. Listen, I'm no perfect lady. Through the years there were late summer days that I just wanted/needed school to start, or night terrors or vomit explosions that led to sleepless nights that led to grouchy next day mom, or kids that wouldn't listen so I yelled my frustrations in their face to say "CAN ANYONE HEAR ME NOW?!"

Oh yes. So many sins I could list here, but that isn't the point. I've owned up to my mistakes with my kids and with my Jesus, so I'm able to move forward and trust that God is molding me through the process of parenting. Make no mistake. Parenting isn't only about you molding your kids. In fact, through parenting, my life is continually being molded by a gracious and direct God in unbelievably profound ways.

But here is what I really want to tell you about being present as a parent.

It's not about being in every moment of every day. Sometimes we get so caught up in keeping our heads down to do the work on the ground level that we forget to look up and see the trail, to gain our bearings from the sun and stars, and see the path ahead. Sometimes being present is about living in the day to day, taking it all in, caring for sickies or whiners, making memories, holding and cuddling. Sometimes being present is about keeping your parental vision of raising humans beings that love God and love others in focus so that you don't lose your way.

The times I struggle the most in parenting is when I've been neglecting taking care of my soul. Do you have the times that you are "so present" that you haven't showered, gotten out of the house and walked through an isle of breakable things without panicking, read a book, or talked to an adult? Those times for me shriveled my soul. Now, I've never been a proponent of "me time." Seriously. I cannot stand that phrase. Our culture is obsessed with self. But I am a very strong proponent of soul refreshing time.

Friends, one of the very best ways you can be present as a parent with your family is to care for your soul. What fills you? What breathes life into your weary bones? Do you even know? Are you willing to set time aside to just read for 10 minutes a day? Can you leave your child in their room so you can take a five minute shower? Do not just take care of your body through diet and exercise. Do not just take care of your mind through reading a good book or engaging in good conversation. Do not just take care of your heart through spending time in prayer or going out with friends.

Take care of your whole, entire person. Your soul.

Do not get bogged down in the external distractions of self, self, self. Look inward to see what you truly need, and then allow God to deal with your soul. Five to ten minutes a day of soul care will carry you through being present so that you can believe that each stage is better than the last.

For those of you that are in the trenches this is what soul care looks like for me then and now:

• exercise 4-5 days a week at a gym with childcare (glorious gym childcare. *sigh*)
• read 5-10 minutes a day, not to my kids, to myself
• meals at the table most nights when I had littles, 2-3 times a week currently
• showered when I wanted to, put my kids in their crib or room guilt free
• "Go play in your room without my direction or instruction. Just play."
• regular Bible study either by myself or with a group of friends -- so refreshing
• investment into others' lives so that I wasn't self-focused
• invited people over regularly and taught our kids that they weren't the center 
• adult music in my car -- the Wheels on the Bus can wait 
• deep breaths, eyes closed, whispered prayers of thankfulness and love

Oh this is such a short list. Soul care is deep, important work. I continue to learn about how important it is. (I'm currently reading a book on this topic. I'm only on chapter 3 and I love it so much, but feel the need to be responsible to read the whole thing before I recommend it. Stay tuned for more on this subject.) 

How do you care for your soul? Do you engage more in your external or internal life? What importance do you see in the balance of both internal and external when it comes to being present? Have you experienced that your current season with your kids is better than the last? Why or why not?  

Choosing to Believe :: Better Than the Last

As we walked out of the orphanage, tiny little arms clung to our necks like we were her only hope of survival in this strange outside world she just entered. Red taxis zoomed passed us blaring their horns as was the cultural expectation. The sultry air was thick, but mostly because of the weight of responsibility we took on that day. From this moment on, we vowed to be Mom and Dad, to care for, raise up, nurture, invest in, lay down our lives for this child and any other child God saw fit to put into our hearts and arms.

Today as we drove Kyle to his fourth day of ninth grade, he announced, "177 school days left in this year." My heart sank and all I could do was shush him.

In only 177 short days the sweet arms that so tightly gripped our necks will be walking across the high school graduation stage. Esther will wear her purple cap and gown over the lovely dress I'll probably have to beg her to wear. I imagine her guest list at the ceremony will be one of the largest of all the students because she so dearly loves the community of people that so dearly love her.

As all moms do, through the years I've received my fair share of advice, critiques, and future projections from friends and strangers about parenting. So many of the unnecessary and annoying comments pushed me to be a better mom, to be more present, to not fall into the ugliness that people projected onto me and my family. I wrote a guest post describing my philosophy concerning this for my lovely friend, Alysa. You can read it here if you would like more context for what I'm writing now.

In trying to be present, I honestly feel like I've done a great job not looking back, wishing for the old days or looking forward, longing for time to go faster or get easier. One of my parenting goals is to be present in my four kids' lives while raising them with vision and hope for their future. It has not always been easy, but like training muscles, I worked to train my heart and mind to be disciplined in each stage of parenting.

But currently I'm being challenged in this goal. You just read that there are only 177 days of school left! Esther will be graduating and forging her way in the world. I am so looking forward to watching it all unfold. She is determined, trustworthy, intelligent, loving, loyal, and dependable. God's plans for her probably do not include living at home forever so I can peek in her room at night to say a little prayer over her while she sleeps. It is for the best of everyone that our journey keeps moving forward.

I've never been afraid of any coming season for my kids. Sure, I've been completely ignorant of the next step, or nervous for kindergarten, or apprehensive about letting them gain more independence, but fear about the future has not been a plague to my heart.

But, friends, I'm struggling to remain present in this season knowing what is coming in the next season. It feels like as soon as Esther moves out, Kyle, Morgan, and Carah will move out a minute later. It freaks me out to the point of tears leaking out of my eyes in the most random times. Like now.

Confession: I'm afraid.

Redemption: God knows.

He is giving me scripture in each moment of heart-jarring future dread.  He is enabling me to choose to continue to be present and fully enjoy this stage, while choosing to believe each stage is better than the last. He is giving me moments with my family to savor all their "You're such a dork, Mom" grins while I make them stand in a circle and hold hands so I can look deeply into their faces and make a mental memory picture. He's filled my home with love, laughter, and hope for the future that overcomes my minutes of gasps as I realize Esther turns 18 in one month and I have gray hair and wrinkles.

They give me this look often. I have no idea why.

LKM Photography 

So do not fear, do not be dismayed. I will strengthen and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. ~ Isaiah 41:10

It will be ok. It will be so difficult to transition through these coming months and years, but so far God has provided experiential truth to my declaration that each season with my kids has been better than the last.

Where are you in journey, parenting or otherwise? Does being present come natural for you or does it take work? Do you look to the future with dread or with a better than the last mentality? Please share your comment love. 


P.S. Here is an interesting observation: Most of the people in my life don't have kids, have kids that are significantly younger than mine, or already have grandkids. I don't know very many people in my current stage. Please know that I'm raw in this area before you type out your comment or send me a message. You may not want my feisty response. I mentioned in an earlier paragraph that moms often receive advice, critiques, and future projections. I'm a little or a lot more straight forward with that kind of stuff than I used to be. But don't let this disclaimer deter you from sharing. 

In What Shall I Boast

My soul feels bound up today. Tears wait on the edge of my eye lids while the lump in my throat grows big enough to burst into yelling.

If God is real then...

I've struggled with this question since I first read about the IF: Gathering. The ability to answer the question for myself eluded me. By no means was it the intention of the leaders to create a question that would spark doubt, but for me, deep in my guts I questioned my own motives, years, purpose. All of the sudden I wondered. Too much.

The wondering birthed some unwelcomed cynicism in my heart. Several of my closest friends agreed together to engage with IF and to host a small group through Second Mile. As time grew closer to the event, I felt more and more unsettled. I blamed it on the ambiguity of the conference, the gathering, the whatever it was/is, but it was only today that I finally put my finger on the spot in my heart that birthed the cynicism.

Before I reveal that spot, I want to say I really loved IF. In the moments of each speaker, each song, each story, engaging with 20 or so dear women whom I greatly value, we were refreshed, refilled, reunified. We sang loud. We got on our knees together. We laughed. We shared deep parts of our hearts. I was continually reminded throughout the weekend that we are part of an extraordinary church that challenges one another, that retreats together, that shares life together, that longs for Tucson to know Jesus together. We often take for granted our courageous church. It was not lost on me that only a few short weeks earlier many of the women who gathered for IF had gone without food for an entire week in order to seek Jesus together as a community. These things have become normal to us. Refreshed from the week of prayer and fasting led beautifully into refreshment from the IF leaders who were used by God to speak to our hearts. Beautiful.

If God is real then...

For me, God is real. Was I supposed to still doubt? If I can believe he is more real, then will it change my life more? Will it help me do more? Will I have more insight? Will I then be able to do some crazy humongous thing that will receive Christian world-wide acclaim?

Cynicism. Darkness. Smallness.

It seemed to hide its identity from me until the first discussion time. I drew my question out of the pile available. "What is holding you back?" I asked my group to come back to me because I wasn't sure of the answer. As each woman answered her own question it became so very clear. I was cynical. I confessed to my friends, and said a prayer of repentance to Jesus, but oddly enough, the understanding of it all only became clear today.

When I was 18 I came to the place of realizing I didn't want to live my life without Jesus. The teenage years worked me over like a rag doll. Opting out of floppy limbs, a floppy heart, and a floppy mind, I went straight into battle mode. Praying, reading, learning, and growing in knowing and loving Jesus became an obsession. I wanted to do big things for God!

I went on trips, met with any leader who would talk to me, talked to strangers with passion while standing on tippy toes and smiling about how much he loves us, married a crazy, yet level-headed, passionate guy who also wanted to change the world. We went to another country, shared our love for God, met God-fearing people who showed us God was much bigger than the American God I had created in my mind, studied a language, adopted an amazing kid... all before I turned 25.

We returned to the States telling God we would serve him in specific ways, yet he took us on a completely different path, we had more kids, lived in other states, discipled college students, decided we should start a church with ten amazing friends... all before I was 30.

We began a church called Second Mile, labored with sweat and tears, we've given around 1500 gifts to strippers, parented eight kids, partnered with people who love Tucson, walked with women towards freedom...all before I was 40.

Doesn't it sound braggy? Oh, but I don't mean it to. I'm reminded of the passage that Paul shares all his accomplishments and then so beautifully says, "If I must boast, I boast in the things that show my weakness." In Galatians he says, "May I never boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ." Yes. Boast in Jesus.

The cynicism was birthed out of my own soul boasting. How could they ask me, a 40 year woman who has been trying to bust her butt to serve Jesus If God is real then...? Come on, people! Look what I've been doing the last twenty years? Who are you to ask me IF I am living as IF God is real? I. Am. Trying. Can't you see that?

Defeated. Disheartened to think I haven't been doing enough. Too exhausted to consider doing more. Unable to answer the questions of those I lead about what God would have us do.

The truth is I do believe God is real. I see his activity all around me. Sometimes by his grace I get up and join him. Sometimes because of my fear, or stubbornness, or ignorance I watch the marching go by without me.

If God is real then I will press into him in order to be more like him when I'm 41, when I'm 48, when I'm 50, when I'm 67, when I'm 70, when I'm nearing my finish line.

If God is real then he knows my cynicism and wants to right my heart towards his statutes and not toward selfish gain.

If God is real then I will not demand to be used by him, and I will get on my face and dwell his holy presence, delight in him as he sings over me, allow myself to just be.

If God is real then I will realize that Jesus didn't start his public ministry until he was 30 which means he waited 30. long. years to go big for his Father. We've only been in Tucson for not quite 10 years. Easter marks our tenth year of taking gifts to dancers in men's showclubs. Ten short years. Am I willing to wait for 30? If God is real then I will stay the course.

If God is real then my faith must believe that God is who he says he is! Faithful, merciful, kind, just, loving, good, unrelenting, pursuant, almighty, jealous, with us, I Am.

If God is real then I must believe I am who God says I am! Daughter, redeemed, beloved, forgiven, worshipper, entrusted with talents, co-heir, laborer, door holder for his kingdom.

If God is real then I must run my own race and not look towards other leaders and assume they don't know the trenches. My gaze must be fixed on the cross. Run my own race. Run my own race. Run my own race! Run well with my community, cheering one another on, sharpening each other as we go, carrying each other as we need, pointing each friend to Jesus.

Through the week of prayer, through IF, through so much soul searching this week, I've surrendered my cynicism. It is an ugly recurring theme in my heart. I'm asking God to remove it from my stoney heart through his kindness and grace and give me a heart of flesh that fully believes Him. He has mapped out a trail run for me that I fear has twists and turns, drops and rocks, and peaks and pits. As I keep my gaze on him I know he will make my path feel straight and narrow, secure, and enable me to keep both feet on the ground, rooted deep into the Rock that is higher than I.

Will you run with me? If God is real then he gave us to each other. He doesn't want us to run alone. I need you.

What is your If God is real then statement? Let's share together so that we may fix our gaze on Jesus, and together, boast in nothing but the cross.

Silly Head Reflections

The rain gently fell through the trees as I sat on the front porch enjoying the wet smell of the forest on a cool Sunday morning. My eyes were puffy from tears, restless sleep, and brain fatigue. My heart swelled with pleasure from watching women engage in worship, scripture, and community, but my spirit felt exposed and vulnerable after pouring out all I had thought through, written out, and prepared for leading up to the retreat.

Recounting the surprise stories that pop into my head as I speak and the words that come to mind during each session is always an interesting part of the retreat aftermath. Confusion and thought chaos often plague me even to the point of not being really sure what I said apart from the used pages of leftover notes I can hold and re-read. This past weekend I let it all hang out as I stood in front of 55 of my closest friends. They heard my heart and words, but they are given the responsibility to translate and apply. It feels freeing, yet eerily ambiguous. Should I clarify? Did it make sense? Did I point to Jesus? 

How in the world do preachers give of their hearts week after week after week? I've asked Chad several times. He just smiles at me like I'm a silly head. Maybe I am a silly head. Maybe if I was sharing week after week after week I would get used to the exposure or maybe not even think twice about it. Maybe. I'm not really interested in finding out. 

Retreat de Moxie is my favorite. The opportunity to speak to the women of my church, to challenge them, to know some of their stories, to make them laugh, and to watch them deal with Jesus blows me away. I love it. The truth be told I would love the opportunity to speak to women more often, but it hasn't been part of my life just yet. How do you do that anyway? "Hello. My name is Angel. You've never heard of me, but I want to speak to your group." Duh. Um, no? So I will take the opportunity year after year, as long as I feel okayed by Jesus, to speak at our women's retreat. And like I said in my last post, this is not some church lady, stereotypical, paper flower making, super sweet, mamsy-pamsy women's retreat. We get down to some serious Jesus business. Just like it should be. 

Thanks for the great photo, Angela! 

I took many hours scratching out notes through three significant passages of scripture. Today I tore the pages out of my notebook to put into the recycle and it felt a bit like when you cook Thanksgiving meal for hours and it only takes five minutes to eat. All the handwritten yellow pages turned into four neatly typed organized five to six point sessions. All the hours of study and writing turned into four one hour sessions. My prayer is that the thoughts and points will resonate with each woman who attended the retreat, that they will think of Mary and Martha differently than they ever have, that they will respond to Jesus as a disciple with a hearty welcome into the deep places of their lives.

I learned a few things over this retreat, too. In honor of my friend, Tori, I will share them with you in bullet format. 

• It is important to give women landmarks for major turns when giving directions, not just highway numbers. 
• The work of ministry is meeting people where they are...going with them...to where God wants them to be. 
• Jesus responds to us with compassion, insight, clarity, and enough. 
• If you bring an extra giant bag of peanut butter M&M's they will be gone in less than 24 hours. 
• Speaking about Jesus being the "I AM" will move women in powerful ways. 
• Jesus as the Resurrection and the Life is a foundational, profound, mystery of our faith! 
• 99% of women scream or squeak when they jump off a platform to zip line. 
• We do not always have the luxury of privacy in our faith. True that. 
• What Jesus has planned to do in our hearts is far greater than what he has planned to do in our circumstances! 
• If you accidentally say "sh*t" in a session when you mean to say "strips" your face will turn red and people will laugh. Loudly.  
• Mary and Martha weeping is not the same word used for Jesus weeping. "Jesus wept" is so misunderstood in the church.   
• Often we focus on what is rotting, decomposing, or being eaten by worms in our life instead of Jesus. 
• Our focus should be on Jesus, not our reputation or our own contrived ideas of justice.
• If you say something you want to clarify, if you truly love people and they know your heart, they will be extraordinarily gracious and loving towards you. 
• 55 women singing Oceans at the top of their lungs promotes huge giant goose bumps. 
• I still cry easily when my brain gets fatigued, but I'm doing way better than I was last year at this time. 

And finally

• You think you can love a group of people so much and then you get smacked up in the head with more love and loyalty that you could ever imagine. 

What are you thinking about these days? If you participated in Retreat de Moxie, what is one serious thing you learned and one funny thing you learned? Do you have any thoughts about any of my bullet points? Please share. You all know comments are my love language. 

Tears and Good Gifts

As I drove through the parking lot towards the exit, the lump in my throat turned into misty drops under my eyelids trying to sneak their way out. I chastised myself out loud.

"What in the world is wrong with you? You've been dropping kids off for their first day of school for 12 years now. They will be fine. Every year they are fine. And grow. And learn. And mature. And still love you through it all. Don't be a baby."

Of course, my straight forward pep talk to myself did not stop the tears. Within five minutes I was praying and daydreaming about each child in college trying to figure out how to buy groceries for themselves or not getting lost on the way to class because the university they attend will probably be humungous or wondering what their own unique way of expressing themselves in the world will look like or how many of their friends will I get to meet and cook for if they end up going to U of A?

All because school started again. Every year I have the same thoughts. Every year I pray the same prayers.

God, direct their hearts towards you.

Teach them to seek your glory and not their own. 

Help them to be path-makers and not path-takers. 

When difficulties come this year (and they always do), help them to look for you and what you want to teach them. Refine them. Give me grace and patience as you refine me by watching how you refine them. 

Make their faith in you their own, apart from Chad and me, but also because of what we've taught them. 

Teach them to ask questions and to know that you are not afraid or intimidated by any question they may have. 

During the summer my heart sometimes grows heavy with worry, over-active questions, concern for the hard worker I desire to be in my family and in my church. For years I've been somewhere between stay at home mom and working mom. My employment and ministry affords me the opportunity to be flexible and present in almost all of my kids' daily lives. Sometimes I feel exhausted, confused, and guilt-ridden.

Am I home enough with them? Did I leave them too long to meet with those women? Are they resentful of the work I do with the church? Are they able to be motivated when I'm not around to do something other than watch TV and bicker?

The same type of questions echo in my mind about my work. Do people understand that my family is my main priority? Am I giving enough time to meet and listen with women God has placed in my life? Why haven't I read more, written more, spoken more?

But then Jesus guides my heart to grow heavy with repentance, love, anticipation, thankfulness, and awe of the roles He has given me in this crazy life.

Whatever you do work at it with all your heart as if working for the Lord and not for men. 

Colossians 3:23

My motivation in all of this must be "working for the Lord." Did you notice how my worrisome questions are oh so self-centered? My worry, fret, and fear is often motivated from the not so pretty place of self.

The first day of school every year reminds me to surrender my selfish desires for my kids and to trust that he entrusted them to Chad and me to parent, to love, to guide, to teach. He asks me to believe that just as I claim Christ to be enough in my life, He is more than enough in theirs. He wants me to know His plans for each of their futures far exceeds my own limited ability to hope and dream for them. He knows how to give good gifts. 

And now I'm crying again.

Is This Real Life?

Sometimes people will innocently tell me that they don't need an update on how I'm doing because they read my blog. Uh, say what?

That's somewhat terrifying. That would mean people may think that I'm pre-tty spectacular...amazing parent, memorizing scripture all the time, surviving this stroke stuff with outstanding positivity.

Ick.

To be honest, one of my fears in blog land is the fairy tale people can inadvertently or intentionally create about life. I believe blogs is to this generation as soap operas were to my mom's generation. If we aren't careful it can amount to countless hours of reading about making our homes magazine beautiful, or parenting like a magician, or how to be a holy Christian, or living more eco-fabulous, or feeling burdened to read more books, or how to change your fashion look to be trendy, fancy, modest, hottest...this list goes on for infinity.

Hear me on this. I am NOT saying, "Stop reading blogs." I AM saying, "Be wise and discerning."

Also, hear me on this. I am so far from perfect. This isn't a statement of false humility. I will admit that by the grace of God, I've grown in maturity, wisdom, and understanding through the years. However, when I talk to people further along in their life journey, I long to continue to grow and learn and change. I'm turning 40 in about a month, so I've been reflecting on this quite a bit which has given me the desire to confess some of my shortcomings to you in order to remind you that I'm just a plain lady that understands on some level what I've been redeemed from and I'm continuing to learn and grow in my understanding of what I've been redeemed for.

In parenting...

• I sometimes become very impatient with my teenagers who are age-appropriately seeking to "do it their own way." In some situations I revert back to the younger years of wanting them to just do what I said because I said to do it.
• One time I yelled right in Esther's face. It was horrible. 
• Lately, I've struggled to be nurturing and have even noticed myself recoiling from tender moments. 
• Often my kids try to get my attention but I'm completely spaced out, on my phone, or on my computer and don't hear them until they are frustrated. This is a big deficiency I'm working on. 

In ministry... 

• Sometimes I feel anxious before our Sunday gathering trying to remember personal ways to connect with women. 
• I've become so frustrated in my inability to memorize scripture that I haven't tried in awhile. 
• I compare myself with other bloggers wishing I had more followers or a broader influence. Gag. 
• I'm fearful that I will receive no new vision for leading the women of our church. 

In life...

• For the last few months I felt entitled to drink a Starbucks chai almost every day. I've given it up for now.
• Pride sometimes causes me to long to do "big things" for God, but I'm afraid my desires may be for my name's sake, not His. Sigh.
• Since I've been on sabbatical, I've battled comparison much...in my house, in my shape, in my effectiveness. It has been an exhausting fight. Even as an almost 40 year old I am still learning to take my thoughts captive. 
• For some strange irrational reason, I am dreading turning 40. Shiver. 

Well, there ya have it. Actually, you just have a little. I enjoy making people squirm in some awkwardness, but I don't want to overwhelm you with all my junk. Turns out Jesus is the only One grand, supreme, just, and forgiving enough to deal with all my junk.  

Friends, let's not live a facade. I hope you each have a few people in your life with whom you can be honest. If you don't, ask the Spirit of God to give you courage to truly share your heart, to give you trustworthy friends, to enable you to depend on others and allow others to depend on you. 

Let's also be wise as we look to all sorts of media to learn some amazing skills, recipes, and life tools. Ask God to give you security in Him, discernment with information, wisdom in scripture, and contentment with your own race.

Colossians 2:6-7

So then, just as you have received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and established in him, strengthened in the faith just as you were taught, overflowing with thankfulness. 

How do you respond to information you see, hear, or read? What tool do you use to filter information that comes into your heart, mind, and soul?

Do you ever compare yourself to those around you? What are the areas of your life that need attention and/or surrender to Jesus? What evidence from your life shows your security in Christ?

Who can you encourage today to run the race Jesus has marked out for them? Will you encourage yourself to run your own race?

Psalm 19:14

May the words of my mouth and the mediation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer. 

Whose Race Do I Run?

True confession: Sometimes I get trapped in Comparison-ville.

It's true.

"Her kitchen is so pretty."

"That lady has the most amazing figure. I wonder how much she works-out. Oh great. She's probably a runner and I hate to run."

"I will never be able to fix my hair as well as she does."

Deeper still? 

"Her blog is amazing."

"How in the world did she gain so many followers so fast and how can I do that?"

"Of course she's guest blogging again. She's the guest blogger of the universe."

"Her pictures are perfect. Her kids are perfect. Her hair is perfect. She must be perfect."

Deeper still? 

"I must have sounded like an idiot when I prayed out loud just now."

"I wish I knew as much about the Bible as she knows."

"I should write some more profound stuff about God on my blog to keep up with all the other amazing bloggers in the entire world."

Ick. For reals. 

Lately, I've had to confess to Jesus the comparison in my heart. I've asked him to remind me of the roles of leadership he has given me and to increase the joy and delight in my heart as I serve Him.

On Saturday, I was having breakfast with a few friends and talked to them about how strange it is that I have 71 followers. A couple of them told me they always read my blog but they weren't official followers. I jokingly said, "Come on! Sign up!" Another friend asked why they needed to if they already read it regularly. I replied, "You don't. It's just to make me feel good." We all had a nice laugh.

In terms of the blog world, I started this blog to have more influence in the lives of the women of Moxie. Through my blog I'm able to communicate with the women of my church through a very convenient and frequent venue. I did not foresee that I would gain followers outside of my local ministry. To be honest, it's pretty cool. I enjoy reading and following other blogs. Of course I welcome more followers, I just want to make sure my motives are to glorify Jesus only.

Not myself.     Not my family.     Not Moxie.  

My encouragement and joy comes as I look to Jesus to find my significance, purpose, and contentment. Whether you are a blogger or not, wherever you have influence...school, job, home, the gym, the market...let's commit to one another to run our own race without comparison to the glory of Christ alone. Sound good? 

Throwing off what hinders and fixing my eyes on Him today!