Tripping around the Sun

The gray wings above my temples continue to spread like no one cares. But secretly I care. Some days they look like wisdom to me and some days they look like the dirty pigeons that hang out on my fence I want to pop with a BB gun.

The laugh lines around my eyes prove I'm experientially learning what it means to be clothed with strength and dignity and to laugh without fear of the future. Last year I didn't feel much like laughing, but the depth of learning that took place in my heart certainly wrapped my drooping shoulders in unknown strength. Maybe the gray wings and laugh lines visibly expose the depth of dignity God sows into my life with each trip around the sun. 

The photos in this post were taken on the various hikes I took over this last year. 

Thankfully and humbly, God wired me to perceive the needs of others. Sometimes he even allows me to see ways in which I can help. My love for God and for people runs like a raging river. In times past, I've been able to stay on the Holy Spirit raft with a few trusted people who help me navigate the relational rapids. Unbeknownst to me, my raft had taken on too much water of meeting all the needs of all the people in all the world. 

Last year at this time I bailed out of the flooding raft with an angry vengeance. Expectations plagued me. Of myself. Of family's. Of other people's, perceived and/or real. Even of God's, or at least, the case I had built on his behalf. 

Words can't express the suffocation I felt. (I know some of you know the feeling.) Not only could I not meet all the expectations, I resented everyone, who I believed, thought I was failing. 

My false perceptions were thick, but what kept me under water was my inability to perceive they were false. 

I couldn't keep up with Chad's ministry pace.  

I couldn't help women understand God's love for them, let alone my love for them. 

I couldn't change people's wrong perceptions of me in "having it all together."  

I couldn't meet my own expectations of what I thought I should be able to do. 

I couldn't even meet your expectations, whoever you are. Believe me, I thought about it. 

All the things I knew to do in "counseling" myself seemed to fail.  

In a last ditch effort to gain some perspective so that I didn't torch my life and all my relationships, I went to see an actual counselor. I spent much of the year pouring over scripture, asking God to help me believe. I hiked many miles in solitude and silence, pondering expectations, shoulds, woulds, and coulds. Chad and I had long, crucial conversations. I forced myself to bail water out of my raft, and in humility, gave a bucket to a few people because I needed help. 

It actually began to work. Honestly, I was shocked because I had tried to fix it all by myself, but couldn't... the ugly, revolving door of self-expectations. But, He didn't lie when he told us that he will be faithful to complete the work started in us. What a relief! 

Through pruning and abiding in Christ, my 43rd year of life took me on a journey to a deeper understanding of what I already knew to be true. I am finitely finite, unable to meet my own or other's expectations. To walk in it is freeing. To trust the people closest to me when they say their expectations of me are to love God, to laugh, and to have fun with them: Easy. To let go of the expectations people have of me that I can't meet is also freeing, but it is a difficult choice I continually ask God to help me make. 

I've discovered a few things: 

Chad doesn't want me to keep up with his ministry pace, whatever that means. He wants me to love God with my whole heart and to be his companion. He cheers for me as we live out our lives side by side. He's secure so he never feels threatened by me when I'm full throttle zealous and passionate. He's kind and compassionate so he encourages me to rest, disengage, and even take naps. We make a crazy good team. 

I can't take women by the face and force them to look at Jesus' love. It may surprise you but this is an ineffective strategy for mentoring and discipleship. I can point to scripture, but I can't make anyone read it. I can tell you I love you and I'm doing the best I know how, but it may still hurt us both from time to time. Whether or not women I lead allow me to fail sometimes is not mine to hold. Because I'm surely going to fail, but it doesn't mean I don't love. 

I can't make anyone believe or accept my apologies when I screw up as a leader. I can't make people stay and work out relational reconciliation. All I can do is walk humbly, love wholly, and apologize when necessary. People's expectations can be fair and unfair, but I can't bend either way. I must keep on my raft with scripture, truth, and love. Right, wrong, or crazy. I will be all three on any given day. It's not about me or you. 

Here is one of the hardest lessons of all for me: It's not always my fault. Do you know how easy it is for me to get out of conflict by simply taking the blame so we can move on? I'm asking God to grow true humility in me which means getting rid of the false humility of being the relational doormat. 

The heavens declaring the glory of God. Psalm 19

The deeper sense of strength and dignity with which I am starting out my 44th year feels content, joyful, and hopeful. My gray wings and laugh lines point to a journey up some serious mountains. I have a better understanding of who I am. God truly wired me to intuit people's emotions, needs, and sometimes even their motives. I'm grateful for this gift. With this gift, I'm surrendering with greater trust that he is the Need Meeter, the Life Fixer, the People Lover. I'm a jar of clay that carries around his all surpassing power in my life through the Holy Spirit. I used to say that I know it is his power and not mine. After this year, I know this more fully. I'm believing next year I'll know it even more. And the next year. And the next year. And the next year... 

I laugh at the days to come with courage. 

With each trip around the sun, deeper still, faith, hope, and love. 

The sky above proclaiming his handiwork. Psalm 19 

 What are you learning? How are you being pruned as you abide? What is your favorite passage of scripture right now? Can you guess mine?

Sweet Contentment

I'm a little late to the Bob Goff party. But, from what I know about Bob after hearing him speak, meeting him a couple of times at the IF: Gathering, and reading his book, I don't think he would like me saying, "The Bob Goff party," and then I think he would tell me I'm right on time.

Many of my friends have read Love Does, and they've told me how much they enjoyed it. But, I'm not sure I would have been able to say, "I enjoyed it" if Bob hadn't wrapped it up beautifully in the end. It was an easy read concerning his style of writing. His stories made me want to turn each page. The way he strings words together creates beautifully organized whimsey. But, I have to say the actual content was getting to me, stirring me up a bit, making me ask the question I often ask myself: What in the heck am I doing with my life?!?

Jumping on planes to teach his kids about leadership and friendship, inviting John Ashcroft to be part of changing lives, starting schools in another country, freeing children from wrongful imprisonment, and so many other cool things. Bob Goff has been a busy man! Now don't get me wrong, it is apparent he is a humble leader and an excellent story teller. He would never have written these anecdotes to guilt anyone into doing anything. He simply wrote out some beautiful life experiences to challenge us all to love people like Jesus loves people.

But, I have a problem. I've written about it so many times on this blog. Reading books by people who are changing the world in huge ways, or watching a TED talk by Gary Haugen, International Justice Mission's president, or reading biographies of people like William Wilberforce creates a fuzziness in my heart, and I start to lose focus on what God has asked me to do. I even had a teary conversation with Chad about it at lunch today. I say things like, "If violence is the cause of poverty, what in the world can I do/am I doing to help break the chains of oppression??" Chad is so patient with me and my passion.

Tonight as I finished the last chapter of Love Does, my heart beat the words in my chest, "What do I do now?"

Bob Goff must have known I would ask that question, and in the second sentence of the epilogue he said he would be asking the same thing if he finished reading a book like this one. And then he told me to figure out the next step, and then do that. Do you know that is the exact same thing I heard at the IF: Gathering in February? My big picture mind and heart can so easily get lost in the forest, meanwhile, I need to remember I've been on a rigorous, beautiful hike in the trees investing in women for quite sometime. I would like to believe I've learned great things about loving people the way Jesus loves people on this hike he's mapped out for me. It's funny really. In reading/watching great work like this, my heart and mind swell with zeal, passion, and fervor for charging the hill. And then God whispers in my ear, "Keep going, don't quit, take the next step." These sweet words destroy the let down from the potential lies I tell myself I'm not doing enough. Instead, I'm given sweet contentment and direction.

"However, I consider my own life worth nothing to me, if only I can finish the 

race and complete the task the Lord Jesus given me, the task of testifying to the gospel 

of God's grace." Acts 20:24 

I've got some big direction at this point. Bob said the next step is as easy as a phone call, an email, or just showing up and then things will start happening. That's what I'm going to do. And good news! One next step is to get this book into your hands. Isn't it fun to read a book that is easy to read, yet is full of rich content? So, I'm giving a copy away. If you already have this book, but would like to win one to give to a friend, feel free to enter. (I actually purchased the second book for my pal, Andrew Ling, who so very much reminds me of Bob Goff. But Andrew has been at the Bob Goff party for awhile, so I'm giving a copy away in honor of Andrew. I think he would want you to read this good stuff.)

To enter, leave a comment about a next step God is asking of you in your journey of faith. Be specific or broad, but make sure it isn't too 'Christian-y'. I want to hear your real words from your real heart. I'll draw a winner in a week or so.

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In what ways are you being challenged to put action to your love for people? What is the next step you will be taking in your faith journey? Do you plan to read this book? Do you want to win this book? Leave some comment love. 

Many blessings to you as you pour out the love of Christ on those you encounter today! 

Read the Signs

As someone who has been involved in some sort of ministry for almost twenty years, my heart and mind can swim for days in stories of real people's lives I've been privileged to hear. People who know me well tease me about having a "tell me everything" sign on my forehead. It's a gift and a curse. I continue to ask God to teach and enable me to love people well. It is impossible to love if you aren't willing to listen.

Second Mile has been in existence for almost ten years. Not to sound cliche, but it's hard to believe. Time flies. Just to emphasize the major life transition ten years can hold, when we moved to Tucson my kids were eight, four, and two years old. 

Then. Such sweet little cuties!

And now. They are still cuties, but not so little.

During those ten years, the flow of people coming in and out of our church has had its peaks and pits. When you see people who left their former church because of tremendous pain come back to reconcile and grow in a group of like-minded potential friends, my heart swells with thanksgiving that God provides more restitution chances than we deserve or can imagine. However, when people you love must move away because of passions, jobs, or adventure, your heart hurts because of the void they leave in your life and community. 

There have been a few times in the life of our church that someone has left Second Mile out of hurt or anger at us. I've definitely learned that not everyone can/will be happy with you all the time. Community is like a big mason jar full of grapes that has been shaken for about an hour, a big hot juicy mess of bruised individuals that bleed all over each other. In other ministry settings, I watched church staff people do back flips and hula hoop tricks trying to get people to stick around. We aren't in the back flip/hula hoop show biz, so when people find that they desire to leave we seek to have a good discussion, make every effort for peace, and hope for healing, restoration, and growth for them and for us. 

However, over the last few months there have been a couple of people not interested in engaging further in Second Mile for a reason that has burned my prophet heart right up. In searching for depth, they did not feel as if they could find it in the stories of the people of our church. 

On any given Sunday you can come and see people laughing, being goofy, crying with a friend, talking about their week, worshiping with arms straight up in the air, worshiping while sitting quietly with eyes open and heart bowed down. But did you know that you can not tell what a single person has been through or is going through by showing up at our gathering or even having coffee with a person a couple of times? To know a person, at the very least, it takes chitchat that builds in trust, time, patience, true interest in who they are, and vulnerability to share who you are.  

Jeff Foxworthy has a comedy sketch called Here's Your Sign. In it he makes fun of people who ask obvious questions or do dumb things and implies that life would be easier if people wore a stupid sign. Sad, but funny. 

I read an article several months ago that twisted the concept. What if we all wore signs that gave a small glimpse into our history or current situation? My assumption is we would be so much more gentle with people. When I'm talking with someone at the store that fusses at me, I try to not snap back because maybe their invisible sign says they deal with chronic pain. Or maybe the person who just won't return my phone call has a sign with the words, "My child has been up all night for the past week and I'm exhausted." Tragically, the signs so many people could be wearing would make someone like me groan and weep and pray because people's lives contain situations of unspeakable difficulty and pain.

But, here's the thing about all this sign talk. We don't get to know! We have no right to say, "Um, excuse me. You seem a little off today. Could you give me a hint to what you may be carrying today so that I can respond to you correctly?" Ridiculous, right? But can we as humans just assume that life is hard and people have been through crazy junk that would make our brows sweat and our stomachs turn if we truly knew what was or is on the plates of those we encounter?

So, to those of you who do not want to engage with our community or another community because people's stories aren't broken enough for you...
There will be no back flips from me for you to stick around today. I'm actually sorry for you. You are missing out on story after story after story of redemption among the lives of people that God cherishes. He does not measure what we've been through. He's actually looking for broken and contrite hearts (not lives) that desire to prove love for him through obedience. So maybe I don't have a story that the world would critique as movie worthy, but I know that I have been redeemed and my heart is to run after him, and that, my friend, pleases Him, so if it doesn't please you, take it up with Jesus.

To those of you whose signs would express emotional, physical, and/or spiritual pain...
Jesus knows you and loves you! When He walked the earth He encountered a woman at the well and He knew her story. He revealed to her that she could worship Him in freedom! The disciples that were with Him didn't get it. They couldn't read the sign. People will fail. Don't allow it to cultivate bitterness in your heart, but instead, let it turn your heart more and more and more towards Jesus.

To the people who call themselves followers of Jesus, but are unable or inept at reading signs...
Read the gospels every single day to study how the Man you claim to follow loves people. There are so many different kinds of people in the world. People who are happy, sad, funny, hurting, angry, cheer for a different team, dress opposite of what you would choose, vote differently than you (For the love! Can Christians please stop being so politically hateful?!), speak different languages, say terrible things to you at the store, flip you off on the highway, tell your kid they suck at sports, bosses who lead poorly, professors who grade unfairly, and on and on and on. Jesus loves them all so much, whether you are willing to or not. When we refuse to bestow dignity on people around us we are denying that they are made in the very image of the God we serve and love! If you don't believe me, take Him at His word. Here are some links for you. Matthew 5:43-48, John 13:34-35, Proverbs 31:8-9 (one of my favorites), Mark 12:30-31  LOVE! There is no excuse not to. Anything less is disobedience.

To those who seek to love well and pay attention to the lives of those whose paths you cross everyday and to those who want to live this way...
Keep up the good work. I know it pleases Jesus. You are living out the gospel. Ask Him to fill you up when kindness isn't returned to you by people you encounter. Ask Him to continue to give you insight in how to love like He loves.

Friends, if we can't point people to Jesus by how we treat them, speak to them, see that there is more to them than meets the eye, then we can't point people to Jesus at all. Pray for wisdom and read the signs.

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How do you pay attention to people around you and respond with love despite how they respond to you? Do you judge a book by its cover or do you seek to know the story? What can you do to love the people you encounter today in a way that honors Jesus? Who is difficult for you to love? What is one step you can take to remedy your lack of love for them?