Good Gifts and a Giveaway

I've put off writing this post for awhile now. I had the idea and then everything flipped upside down and it just didn't seem cool to write about what I had been enjoying.

But, my birthday is this week, so this is my birthday gift to you all: Some things that bring me joy mixed with a pretty good giveaway that THREE people can win. Based on comments and entries in my past giveaways, the odds are truly in your favor so go ahead and participate.

Blooming flowers in our church building's courtyard. Oh how I miss gathering with my people. 

The truth is I've been pretty sad over the last five weeks. Can anyone relate? This sadness presses my body down and makes me feel tired most of the time. My daily prayer is that joy will outweigh the sadness and that I will cling to Jesus through Scripture, music, and being outside. Which leads me to the first thing I've been enjoying: The Psalms. I read a few each day and let the emotion, struggle, and God-focusedness wash over me. The words of each Psalm ring so, so true for our lives right now. I'm praying Psalm 20 for you, my friends:

 May the Lord answer you in the day of trouble!
    May the name of the God of Jacob protect you!
 May he send you help from the sanctuary
    and give you support from Zion!
 May he remember all your offerings
    and regard with favor your burnt sacrifices! Selah

 May he grant you your heart's desire
    and fulfill all your plans!
 May we shout for joy over your salvation,
    and in the name of our God set up our banners!
May the Lord fulfill all your petitions!

 Now I know that the Lord saves his anointed;
    he will answer him from his holy heaven
    with the saving might of his right hand.
 Some trust in chariots and some in horses,
    but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.

They collapse and fall,
    but we rise and stand upright.

O Lord, save the king!
    May he answer us when we call.

Amen! May we call on the Lord our God and may we faithfully wait for him. Don't make excuses to not seek him. We must open our Bibles whether we feel like it or not. He's all we truly have, so let's cling to him.

Worship music reorients my mind in good ways. There are two new albums I play over and over. They've been out for a couple of months now so maybe you've heard of them. I want to share anyway, just in case you haven't. And, please feel free to send me your favorite worship songs or albums. My friend, Sara, regularly sends me new music and I love it.

The first is Matt Redman's Let There Be Wonder. Here is the link to listen to it through your preferred streaming service. Funny story: I found myself humming one of the catchy songs on this album fairly regularly. It was always in my head, but I couldn't really learn the words because it is in Spanish. I asked Kyle to listen to it because I'm that annoying mom who is super proud of his language abilities so I push all Spanish stuff his way, especially if it is Jesus Spanish stuff. He looooves it, only he probably doesn't. One day I was listening to the whole album, focusing on each song so I could learn them and sing along. Guess what I discovered! The Spanish song is also in English! I had just never noticed. I'm so good at details, you know. Why I noticed the Spanish version and not the English, we shall never know the mysteries of my brain.

The next album I'd like to recommend is Shane & Shane's newest one, Hymns in the Round. Here it is on Apple Music and Spotify. Every song is excellent. We recently started singing Ancient of Days over our Sunday livestream gatherings. It's been an important song in my life for over a year now. Every word is a balm for my weary soul. If you aren't sure where 'Ancient of Days' comes from, what it means, or why it is important, please take time to read Daniel 7, specifically verses 13 and 14. We must keep Jesus our focus. His dominion is an everlasting dominion and his kingdom shall not be destroyed.

To be honest, the next thing I'd like to tell you about may be a little much for some of you. It's intense and needed for this generation which my intense, prophet heart loves, but it is no joke. Have you heard of or watched American Gospel? There are two movies and they are total butt kickers. If you are able to watch, prepare yourself. The first movie, Christ Alone, tears down America's love of prosperity. If you think you don't fall in this category, think again. Something in it will convict you. It certainly did for me. The second Movie, Christ Crucified, goes after all the ways American culture waters down the cross. If you want to know more about how to discern false teaching, this movie will help. It truly angered me how susceptible we all are to terrible teaching. Sound like a fun series to watch? Well, good isn't always fun. Sometimes good is also difficult. They are long movies, so it may take awhile to get through them, but as it turns out, we've got some time on our hands.

Now we enter the giveaway portion of this post. See what I did there? Made you read all that other stuff to get to the goods.

You all know I like books. I had my spring list ready to go, but to be honest, reading takes hard work for me these days. Sadness that leads to tiredness and reading takes focus so it isn't compelling right now. To top it off, I was reading Lore Ferguson Wilbert's new book, Handle with Care: How Jesus Redeems the Power of Touch in Life and Ministry when life flipped upside down. To read about touch in a time when we are not even supposed to be close to one another sucked, but I finished it. It was a good read and I look forward to healing hugs again. Here are the books on my spring list. I've read all but two and will start another one today.

I'm not going to link them all. You can easily find them where ever you purchase your books. 

I'm giving away two copies of Beth Moore's Chasing Vines and one copy of Audacious, also written by her (which is out of stock so bonus for you). Both are excellent books, compelling, deep, and easy to read.

If you win a book you will also receive a $25 gift card to Lovely Enterprises or Why I Love Where I Live. If you are from Tucson, you already know and love Why I Love Where I Live. I'm always happy to support them as they continue to inspire people to love the city I so dearly love. Lovely Enterprises is associated with Jesus Said Love in Waco, Tx. They seek to change the lives of people impacted by the commercial sex industry. I'm wearing my new favorite shirt from their shop in this photo:

Lovely Enterprises Shop

It's my birthday month, so this is my gift to three happy winners. You will each win a book plus one $25 gift card to your choice of Lovely Enterprises or WILWIL. All you have to do is comment on this post, on Facebook, or on Instagram. Tell me something you are enjoying during these days. That's it. I'll choose the winners sometime next week.

Thanks for reading. As you all know, it is a weird, weird time in our world. In my opinion, there is no better time to be lifting our faces to Jesus, waiting on him, and making our gratitude lists. What are you thankful for today?

Deeper Still :: The Glory of Christmas

This year I asked God to give me fresh insight and deeper wisdom into the glory of Christmas. Many people know Christmas brings me joy, but only a few people truly see my giddy, overwhelmed heart and tears as I contemplate the awe and beauty of it all.

In the Old Testament God set forth his law for people to understand his holiness, for people to know how to approach him, and for people to pay for their transgressions through sacrifice. He mercifully revealed himself and showed his people that he is gracious, slow to anger, abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness. (Exodus 34:6) But to approach him took great care, ceremony, and permission. His presence was shown in a pillar of fire, or on a mountain, or so magnificent that one had to hide in a cleft of a rock and only see God's back because his presence was too rich, holy, and glorious for human consumption. He was and is good, but to approach him demanded sacrifice. *

Enters Jesus, a human, a baby, made for relationship.

Everything that was known about God changed the moment Jesus was conceived in Mary. Can you imagine the God of the universe in the womb of a young woman? He entered through a family line lowly enough to show his availability to everyone. The details and order of the prophecy and lineage for God to be born into the world at the perfect moment: profound.

It is difficult for me to fathom the radical shift in God's availability to humanity through relationship with Jesus. He meets me in my questions of doubt, and lovingly guides me to truth through his word. During Christmas I imagine myself worshipping a baby in a barn. He is the same God shining in glory on the mountain with Moses. As a baby he's defenseless, and yet that tiny baby came to crush the yoke of slavery and injustice with power and might on the cross. A thrill of hope, joy to the world, Word of the Father now in flesh appearing. Christmas, Emmanuel, God with us.

This week I read an important aspect of the birth of Christ that I had never heard, or at least had never paid attention to. Leviticus 25 maps out a significant detail of the law of Sabbath. It describes the Year of Jubilee, the last year of the seventh period of seven years, the forty-ninth year. "In that year, all slaves were to be freed and all debts were to be forgiven; all the land and all the people were to have rest from their weariness and from their burdens. The seventh seven, the Sabbath of Sabbaths." **

Matthew 1:17 says, "So all the generations from Abraham to David were fourteen generations, and from David to the deportation to Babylon fourteen generations, and from the deportation to Babylon to the Christ fourteen generations." This makes Jesus the beginning of the seventh seven, the Sabbath of Sabbaths, the True Jubilee! All true rest comes from Jesus Christ. He frees the slaves! Through him all debts are forgiven! He came to earth to have relationship with us, to allow us to rest in his love, mercy, and grace. He came as a baby so he could endure all the human pain and suffering we endure, to take it all to the cross, to show us he is indeed with us and for us. The seventh seven! The detail in scripture to show the Deity of Jesus is truly miraculous. My soul longs to know more.

To be sure, I love my family's Christmas traditions. Baking, decorating, hosting, all things red and green. My house feels cozy, warm, and lovely. I enjoy hearing my kids laugh and play as they work to solve the year's 1000 piece puzzle. These aspects of Christmas fill my heart. But I know they are temporary. As the years go by, the laughter will quiet, the decorations will fade, and the warmth in my home may grow cold. Of course I imagine I will deeply grieve the loss of days gone by as I'm sure many older people do, but O God, please allow my prayer to remain the same:

Give me fresh insight and deeper wisdom into the glory of Christmas. Keep my eyes away from worthless things, preserve my life according to your word. Fix my gaze on the eternal, not on the temporary. Allow my soul to feel your worth above all things. (Proverbs 2:3-5, Psalm 119:37, 2 Corinthians 4:18, Luke 2:19)

Merry Christmas isn't just a greeting for me. When I say Merry Christmas to you, it is as if I'm praying a short, small prayer for you, whether you want it or not. May God show himself to you this season no matter where you are... someone who doesn't believe, someone who is all alone, someone who is in a personal season of winter, someone filled with hope and joy, someone filled with despair, someone neck deep in doubt, someone who wears a Santa hat everyday, someone who hates me, someone who loves me... The prayer is the same: Merry Christmas, Emmanuel, God with us. Show yourself fresh and new, deeper still, the way you did in a stable in Bethlehem so long ago.

Thank you, Jesus, for coming.

He has come, he is here, he will return.

What does Christmas mean to you? Have you pondered the Incarnation? Believing in the resurrected Christ begins with believing God came to earth as a baby. How does this affect you personally? What are one or two things you can do to capture the wonder of Christmas this year? 



*Do yourself a favor. Go back and click the links to the passages in Exodus. Marvel and be amazed at the glory of God and how different relationship is with him because he sent his Son, Jesus Christ to earth. Ponder, mediate, engage your heart and mind in the glory of Christmas.

**Tim Keller's new book Hidden Christmas, page 38

A Beautiful Mysterious Cycle

I do not cease to give thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers.  Ephesians 1:16

Therefore, as you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in him, rooted and built up in him, and strengthen in the faith, just as you were taught, overflowing with thanksgiving.  Colossians 2:6-7

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.  1 Thessalonians 5:18

A little over a month ago, I taught about some verses in Ephesians chapter one at Retreat de Moxie. On my knees, I begged and begged God to do deep, rich work in the lives of the women with whom I would journey to the mountain. Now, I imagine him smiling at me while I prayed, whispering, "Just wait until you see the deep, rich work I'm doing in your life, dear one." 

During the retreat the theme "Continually thankful, continually prayerful" came up over and over again. I can't begin to express what these words have come to mean to me. 

The one who offers thanksgiving as his sacrifice glorifies me. The one who orders his way rightly I will show the salvation of God!  Psalm 50:23

I've questioned the meaning of thanksgiving as a sacrifice since I memorized the verse over a year ago. What could it mean? How is being thankful sacrificial? Sacrifice means to give something up that you especially want to keep. What would it look like in my life to be sacrificially thankful in order to glorify God? 

Bitterness, envy, and selfish ambition sometimes taunt me. James 3 uses these words to describe the wisdom of the world that is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. Comparison, hurt feelings by not being considered the way I hope to in friendships, frustrations as a leader, or even simply wanting to be included rob me of experiencing wisdom that "comes from above." 

As the Holy Spirit worked in my heart over the last few months, I'm experientially learning deep in my guts that thankfulness increases wisdom. 

          Wisdom in how I respond in relationships.

          Wisdom in keeping my gaze on Jesus and not on the world. 

          Wisdom in joy as I journey this life. 

          Wisdom in thankfulness as I pray for anything and everything that pops into my mind.

Wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.  James 3:17 

Offering thanksgiving consistently, sincerely, and continually teaches me to give up to God what I hold most dear. Thanking God for my family reminds my soul they are his. Being thankful for the ability to run, cook, host, mentor, and do all I love to do reminds me that he created me and I belong to him. Offering thanksgiving for the people in my life, the people I pass day to day, the bagger at the grocery store who talks with me each time he sees me reminds me God loves people more than my mind can fathom. Thanking God for the times of great difficulty in my life reminds me he works through adversity to make me like his Son. 

The sacrifice of thankfulness continues to acknowledge all we have is his. He gives to us out of his goodness. He takes from us out of his goodness. When we are thankful it is an act of acknowledging apart from him, we have no good thing. And then, all he gives to us, we freely sacrifice back to him as a worshipful act of thanksgiving. It's a beautiful, mysterious cycle that glorifies God. 

Is it beginning to make sense? Are we thankful for the sake of gaining our own warm fuzzies or are we thankful in order to testify to his benevolence in our lives and our sacrifice of all things we hold dear to follow him? 

In my experience these few months, as I've been more thankful, prayer has increased. As gratitude increases contentment increases. As appreciativeness grows I'm more open to reason, full of mercy and good fruit. When contented thanksgiving fills my heart, I feel peaceable and gentle. The fruit of his Spirit increases, and bitterness, envy, and selfish ambition in my life decrease. 

Thankfulness grows, prayer grows. Prayer grows, thankfulness grows. And the fruit I didn't anticipate in all of this is wisdom from above which is "first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere."

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How are you growing in thankfulness? When you find yourself frustrated with someone or something would you be willing to try to spend a moment being thankful instead of hurt? In what ways have you grown in your ability to be continually thankful and continually prayerful? 

I'm so thankful for you, dear one. It blesses me richly when you read my words. 

Static Stories Die

A few months ago my good friend, John DeSoto, preached a message at Second Mile about the power of story. As an Emmy award winning camera man, he continues to cultivate his craft of story telling, mostly through video. John's temperament is gentle, compelling, warm, and engaging. When I'm around him I find myself calm and content. His videos of the story of people's lives create the same calm, content response in my heart and mind. Here is one of my favorite examples:

ADVENT 01_HOPE from John DeSoto on Vimeo.

One sentence from John's message endures in my mind:

"Change is fundamental in stories. If things go static, the story dies."

I'm constantly a walking paradox, and in this instance the truth of my inward battle rings true. On one hand, the thought of a life, a family, a church that lacks movement and vitality makes me nauseous. Stagnant water stinks, therefore, I believe a stagnant life also stinks. On the other hand, I often balk at change because of fear of the unknown or lack of control it creates. But, at the end of the day would I rather swim in a mirky, green, smelly pond or a beautiful, clear, fresh water oasis?

The answer should be obvious, but the truth is I often desire to choose the stagnant life.

As my family grows and changes, the unknown freaks me out as I obsess about the future.

As my relationships grow and change, insecurity rears its ugly head.

As my marriage grows and changes, difficulties in learning to communicate effectively challenges me to my core.

As my church grows and changes, fear of 'can we even keep up with it all' overwhelms me.

I know I'm not alone in these sentiments. Change is so very difficult for some of us. It threatens our sense of belonging, our entitlements to how we've always done things, our desire to be in the know, and our perceived importance and rank.

But, thanks be to God he did not leave me as he found me.

Philippians 1:6 

Be confident of this that he who who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion unit the day of Christ Jesus. 

Isaiah 43:19 

Behold, I am doing a new thing, now it springs forth. Do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wildness and streams in the desert. 

1 Corinthians 6:11 

But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ by the Spirit of our God. 

He calms my soul in the midst of great change as I rest in the fact that he never changes, He is the same yesterday, today, and forever, and he never changes his mind.

Rest assured, dear ones, change is good. If relationships and circumstances go static, the story dies. Let's link arms and celebrate change in each other's lives as it is the goodness of God working and acting in us to make us more like Jesus. Let it be so of me!

Here is an incomplete list of good, difficult, refining changes happening in and around me:

• My kids are growing more and more independent.
• Kyle is about to be driving.
• Esther no longer lives under my roof.
• Our house is in constant renovation.
• Chad and I have been married for 20 years and our communication, especially in conflict, provides opportunity for growth.
• Friends move away.
• New friends come into my life.
• Old friends leave my life.
• Second Mile is growing in people, in responsibility, and in depth.
• Second Mile has its own building which provides great change in so many areas.
• Learning to lead in the big picture and not only in relationships stretches me.

The list could go on, as I'm sure your list of life changes could, too. And, by all means, my heart and soul eagerly hope for the fresh waters of change, but the weakness of my heart and flesh often jump in the murky waters of sameness.  Our only hope is to trust God who wills and acts in our lives according to his good purpose.

"Change is fundamental in stories. If things go static, the story dies."

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How do you deal with change? Do you embrace it or flee? How do you train yourself to get out of the stagnant waters and embrace fresh water? What changes are you facing now, personal or otherwise? What character trait of God do you cling to in times of change? 

Comments are my love language so feel free to jump in and add your two cents and/or answer one or more of the questions. 

Many blessings to you as God brings change in your life to help you depend on him more deeply! 

Sweet Contentment

I'm a little late to the Bob Goff party. But, from what I know about Bob after hearing him speak, meeting him a couple of times at the IF: Gathering, and reading his book, I don't think he would like me saying, "The Bob Goff party," and then I think he would tell me I'm right on time.

Many of my friends have read Love Does, and they've told me how much they enjoyed it. But, I'm not sure I would have been able to say, "I enjoyed it" if Bob hadn't wrapped it up beautifully in the end. It was an easy read concerning his style of writing. His stories made me want to turn each page. The way he strings words together creates beautifully organized whimsey. But, I have to say the actual content was getting to me, stirring me up a bit, making me ask the question I often ask myself: What in the heck am I doing with my life?!?

Jumping on planes to teach his kids about leadership and friendship, inviting John Ashcroft to be part of changing lives, starting schools in another country, freeing children from wrongful imprisonment, and so many other cool things. Bob Goff has been a busy man! Now don't get me wrong, it is apparent he is a humble leader and an excellent story teller. He would never have written these anecdotes to guilt anyone into doing anything. He simply wrote out some beautiful life experiences to challenge us all to love people like Jesus loves people.

But, I have a problem. I've written about it so many times on this blog. Reading books by people who are changing the world in huge ways, or watching a TED talk by Gary Haugen, International Justice Mission's president, or reading biographies of people like William Wilberforce creates a fuzziness in my heart, and I start to lose focus on what God has asked me to do. I even had a teary conversation with Chad about it at lunch today. I say things like, "If violence is the cause of poverty, what in the world can I do/am I doing to help break the chains of oppression??" Chad is so patient with me and my passion.

Tonight as I finished the last chapter of Love Does, my heart beat the words in my chest, "What do I do now?"

Bob Goff must have known I would ask that question, and in the second sentence of the epilogue he said he would be asking the same thing if he finished reading a book like this one. And then he told me to figure out the next step, and then do that. Do you know that is the exact same thing I heard at the IF: Gathering in February? My big picture mind and heart can so easily get lost in the forest, meanwhile, I need to remember I've been on a rigorous, beautiful hike in the trees investing in women for quite sometime. I would like to believe I've learned great things about loving people the way Jesus loves people on this hike he's mapped out for me. It's funny really. In reading/watching great work like this, my heart and mind swell with zeal, passion, and fervor for charging the hill. And then God whispers in my ear, "Keep going, don't quit, take the next step." These sweet words destroy the let down from the potential lies I tell myself I'm not doing enough. Instead, I'm given sweet contentment and direction.

"However, I consider my own life worth nothing to me, if only I can finish the 

race and complete the task the Lord Jesus given me, the task of testifying to the gospel 

of God's grace." Acts 20:24 

I've got some big direction at this point. Bob said the next step is as easy as a phone call, an email, or just showing up and then things will start happening. That's what I'm going to do. And good news! One next step is to get this book into your hands. Isn't it fun to read a book that is easy to read, yet is full of rich content? So, I'm giving a copy away. If you already have this book, but would like to win one to give to a friend, feel free to enter. (I actually purchased the second book for my pal, Andrew Ling, who so very much reminds me of Bob Goff. But Andrew has been at the Bob Goff party for awhile, so I'm giving a copy away in honor of Andrew. I think he would want you to read this good stuff.)

To enter, leave a comment about a next step God is asking of you in your journey of faith. Be specific or broad, but make sure it isn't too 'Christian-y'. I want to hear your real words from your real heart. I'll draw a winner in a week or so.

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In what ways are you being challenged to put action to your love for people? What is the next step you will be taking in your faith journey? Do you plan to read this book? Do you want to win this book? Leave some comment love. 

Many blessings to you as you pour out the love of Christ on those you encounter today! 

Grace in Progress

Pain is the stuff of learning. It either beckons you to your bed to hide, pushes you to the middle of the ring to fight, or forces you to your knees to surrender. It's easy for me to write all about the beauty and wonder of 2013, but when I look back I also see circumstances that caused me to hide or to fight and eventually, to surrender.

To read wistfully chipper blog posts, look at artfully crafted photos on Instagram, and see perfectly crafted confabulation in friends Facebook feeds often leads me down the ugly road of comparison. Many years ago a friend shared a story of well-respected women who became embittered toward each other because of comparison that led to competition. Ultimately, God brought sweet redemption through grace in teaching them to run their own race, to keep their gaze fixed on Him alone, to encourage one another in the race He had set before them.

If you've been around me at all, you will know this has become a life motto for me.

"RUN YOUR OWN RACE" percolates it's way through so many of my conversations, or teaching times, or admonishments to the women I'm allowed to lead. I say it to myself as a mantra whenever the green-eyed ugly sin monster of envy creeps its way into my heart.

Do you not know that in a race only one runner gets a prize? Run in such way as to get the prize.  1 Corinthians 9:23 

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Hebrews 12:1 

My last blog post was full of loveliness, wasn't it? So full of beauty, healing, and peace. Each story is true and full of hope and light and love. I'm thankful beyond thankful for each experience. The lump in my throat as I ponder each moment testifies to gratefulness that overwhelms me.

I summed it up to say the year left me feeling "more grounded, self-aware, reliant on Jesus." Because it was tied to the end of all that peaceful beauty, the implication was those sweet stories took me to that point.

Yes, they definitely had a hand in my feelings of peace and contentedness.

Yes, they definitely leave me in awe of God's continued grace to me through joyful circumstances.

Yes, they definitely speak to only half the story of what God has used in my life that sometimes makes me want to hide, fight, and hopefully, eventually, surrender.

Friends, His grace to me over this last year was also demonstrated through pain and heartache. So many of the lessons are still fresh and raw.

Through 2013 God gave me opportunity after opportunity to be more grounded in who He has made me to be, to stop trying to meet all the needs all the time, to know that He is a God who delights in kindness, justice, and righteousness on the earth. A forced sabbatical left me alone most days until September. To be alone with my thoughts, sin, and grief was terrifying much of the time. To see people around me still struggling and not be allowed to help caused me to question my identity like never before. To see people heal and grow without me caused me to question my value like never before. Through tears, prayer, and trust in His refining through fire, I grew to know that my grounding is in the Rock that is higher than I. 

My soul finds rest in God alone. My salvation comes from Him. He alone is my Rock and my Salvation. He is my Fortress. I will never be shaken. Psalm 62:1-2 

Again, through God's grace, self-awareness came by way of truly seeing how much pain my sin causes the Spirit and my people. Oh, but grace. My heart swells to know that as I become more aware of the ugliness of my heart, it can never outpace the depths of His grace. I'm more aware than ever that apart from Him I have no good thing.

Last year I humiliated myself with extreme emotional reactions. I said hurtful, cutting words to people I love and that love me. I yelled at my kids too many times. I scoffed at the pain of others. I ignored the Spirit's beckons for time in His word. I hid lazily to avoid dealing with life and loneliness. But in the depths of His great love, through seeing all the muck of my heart I became more and more and more aware of grace, that I cannot run full steam ahead to gain his favor, that I cannot earn his love through working harder, that I cannot work hard on behalf of those I love, trying to convince them to run harder, faster, longer in order to know more of God's grace to them.

One of my favorite worships songs says this: "What else can I do but worship? What else can I do but bow? Because all I really long for is you, all I really need, Lord, is you." Yes. Self awareness that leads to much, much God-awareness.

My need for reliance on Jesus came in the form of having too much time alone and then was lit like a fire in the form of jumping with both feet right back into the lions den of relationships . True, ugly confession: In my younger years of ministry I unknowingly believed that I had something to do with people's heart change. It wasn't that I wanted credit for what God was doing in their life, I just believed that if I said no, or didn't speak up, or didn't meet "just one more time" I would fail the person, or worse, fail God.

The gospel I preached was faith through grace. The gospel I lived was work, work, work, plea, plea, plea, carry, carry, carry, and then hopefully, if God is pleased, faith and change happened.

I'm exhausted even just typing out that strategy.

After sabbatical the painful reality of the depths of pain people endure hit me right square in the face. My eyes were black for a couple of months if you didn't notice. As I sat and cried with people, or worked to point people to Jesus, or begged God in prayer on their behalf to change it all, I began to feel the load of work, work, work, plea, plea, plea, carry, carry, carry. The gifts, groundedness and self-awareness, shined the light on the lie of my old strategy. Reliance on Jesus rose to the surface as my greatest need. His grace brought me through many dangers, toils, and snares, not my own work. I'm continually facing the choice of relying on my own work ethic, or my own ideas of right and wrong, or my own desire to see change in the world around me OR relying on the fact that His grace will lead me, hold me, sustain me. The more I believe this for myself, the more I believe this great treasure for those around me.

Asking about my top moments of 2013 brings a smile to my face and a tranquil sigh from my lips. Pure beauty. Asking about my most painful moments of 2013 brings a deeper, thoughtful look to my face and a deeper, longer sigh from my soul. So many of these moments aren't moments at all. They are on-going, still fleshing themselves out, still a grace in progress.

If there was any part of my last blog post that caused your heart to wonder about the pain you may be experiencing in your own life, please know it was a only a window into my life and home. Pain is the stuff of learning. The value of my pain is neither greater nor lesser than others. It is simply my own race, the one God has mapped out for me. And through His great grace I want to run it with perseverance, groundedness, self-awareness, and complete reliance on Jesus.


How are you learning to rely on Jesus? If you don't rely on Him, on what or whom do you rely? What is one thing you've learned about yourself and/or God over the last year? Share your thoughts if you'd like.

Hole-y Orange Focused Lady Time

The memorable moments of 2013 have been a consistent point of conversation in my house over the last two weeks. Our friends, Matt and Susie, asked us to dinner one Sunday after Second Mile's gathering and engaged our family in great discussion. Susie asked everyone to name the top moments of the year. We all participated, but the beauty of the question came in the days to follow. It led me into some great reflection and introspection which forced my kids into reflection and introspection. It's kind of a fun tool of torture to make them talk about all sorts of things. I'm pretty sure they don't mind.

As you may have noticed blogging isn't necessarily my friend anymore. I'm not sure what the problem is other than lack of motivation and material. I recently googled blog topics and one of the ideas was "What celebrity would you invite for dinner and what would you serve?" Seriously? People actually read that stuff? In my book that's a big fat WHO CARES?! All this to say, I've had this post rolling around in my brain and decided to force myself to type it out. And guess what... I already have another idea for my next blog post that will include a give away, so you won't want to miss out.  (I haven't forgotten that I need to complete this series. I will. I promise.) 

I cannot rank these moments. They are important in 2013 for different reasons. If you attend Second Mile, Chad shared some of these same events. If you would like to listen to a great message to catapult you into reflecting you can watch it here or just listen here.  

Less Hole-y

As we started 2013 we were still very much in the dark of why I had a stroke. I met with both a neurologist and a cardiologist in Tucson that could find no reasons for what had happened to me. Thankfully, my Tucson neurologist was humble enough to share with us that he felt like he was missing something and wanted us to see a stroke specialist neurologist in Phoenix. It took longer than I wanted to have an appointment with him, but once he examined me and all my records he was convinced that I had a hole in my heart and that the first cardiologist missed it. This neuro doctor was also able to explain the process of healing my brain would take. It was a huge relief to hear his words and look at the graph he drew. When I asked him if certain issues I was experiencing were symptoms he responded by reassuring me that anything I was now experiencing that I did not experience pre-stroke was a symptom and that I was not crazy. I felt like I had the "big fat you're crazy giant" kicked off my shoulders and out of my thoughts. It was a tremendous relief, but at the same time a reality check that I was indeed dealing with real symptoms.  

As you know the cardiologist did find a hole in my heart and it was patched in February. I like to say that it is an adamantium patch, but it's really just nickel and titanium. Having my heart fixed is definitely a great point of 2013. All of the nightmares of recurring stroke instantly stopped. I had faith when I was awake to discipline myself not to worry, but apparently my subconscious was not faith-filled. 

Orange and Gray

When we bought our house we knew it needed some love in the form of updating. We chose to purchase a large home with the purpose of hospitality and family fun. Big and new was not an option for our budget, so big and 1970s fit the criteria. For most of 2012 we lived in a shell of a house. We couldn't hire out the work, so it had to be done as Chad had time to do it himself or enlist skillful friends to help. Mixed with all my health stuff meant renovating was slow going. In 2013 we (Chad mostly) finished a huge portion of what we were working on. It's not complete, but it is livable, comfortable, and enjoyable. We are at a great resting point until more time and money show up in our lives.

  

The Big 4-0 

Yep. I'm 40. People ask if it feels different and my answer is yes, but I think it has to do with multiple life circumstances coming together that has made me feel more grounded, more self-aware, more reliant on Jesus. Chad threw the most amazing masquerade bash ever. To see my friends and family dressed up, smiling at me, dancing, enjoying great food, and celebrating my life with me is something I will never ever forget. This 2013 highlight is most definitely a whole life highlight. It was amazing. If you want to remember or read about it for the first time you can read this post and this post.  

Focused Time

Our family took three significant trips together this year. We went to Disneyland right before my heart procedure. San Diego became one of our favorite places through a trip in July and another one in November. These times with my family recharged and refreshed me. Calling the trips a mere highlight doesn't do justice to how meaningful it was for us. I am so blessed to have four great kids that actually enjoy spending time with their dad and me. We are all a bit crazy which makes our time together joyful and goofy. The older they get the better our relationships. Each stage of maturity requires shifts and change, but Chad and I have committed to navigate the waters of family change with prayer and hope for healthy adult relationships with each of our children. Trips like these contribute to fulfilling our hopes for the future. 

Lady Time 

Retreat de Moxie challenged me greatly this year. More women attended than ever before. The 2012 retreat was a blur because of the health challenges I faced, so I felt fearful as this retreat approached. God blew my socks off with what he taught me through his word as I prepared each session. I was so hopeful it would translate as I shared my heart with my friends. In my opinion, the retreat was a great success because Jesus was lifted high, women drew closer to him, new friendships were made, and old friendships were deepened. Retreat de Moxie will probably be a highlight every year. 

I hope you've already spent time thinking through 2013. Looking back in a reflective way gives us an opportunity to be thankful for the blessings and the trials. We learn and grow emotionally and spiritually with each situation, relationship, experience we endure. My prayer for you is that you will allow God to reveal himself to you as you enter 2014. 

As for me, I'm trusting God for what he has in store for my family and me this year. I know it won't all be easy, but I believe if we allow him to carry us, guide us, mold us through this year we will be more like him as 2015 begins. 

LKM photography

What are some of your highlights from 2013? I would love to hear about something you experienced and/or learned over the last year.  

Is This Real Life?

Sometimes people will innocently tell me that they don't need an update on how I'm doing because they read my blog. Uh, say what?

That's somewhat terrifying. That would mean people may think that I'm pre-tty spectacular...amazing parent, memorizing scripture all the time, surviving this stroke stuff with outstanding positivity.

Ick.

To be honest, one of my fears in blog land is the fairy tale people can inadvertently or intentionally create about life. I believe blogs is to this generation as soap operas were to my mom's generation. If we aren't careful it can amount to countless hours of reading about making our homes magazine beautiful, or parenting like a magician, or how to be a holy Christian, or living more eco-fabulous, or feeling burdened to read more books, or how to change your fashion look to be trendy, fancy, modest, hottest...this list goes on for infinity.

Hear me on this. I am NOT saying, "Stop reading blogs." I AM saying, "Be wise and discerning."

Also, hear me on this. I am so far from perfect. This isn't a statement of false humility. I will admit that by the grace of God, I've grown in maturity, wisdom, and understanding through the years. However, when I talk to people further along in their life journey, I long to continue to grow and learn and change. I'm turning 40 in about a month, so I've been reflecting on this quite a bit which has given me the desire to confess some of my shortcomings to you in order to remind you that I'm just a plain lady that understands on some level what I've been redeemed from and I'm continuing to learn and grow in my understanding of what I've been redeemed for.

In parenting...

• I sometimes become very impatient with my teenagers who are age-appropriately seeking to "do it their own way." In some situations I revert back to the younger years of wanting them to just do what I said because I said to do it.
• One time I yelled right in Esther's face. It was horrible. 
• Lately, I've struggled to be nurturing and have even noticed myself recoiling from tender moments. 
• Often my kids try to get my attention but I'm completely spaced out, on my phone, or on my computer and don't hear them until they are frustrated. This is a big deficiency I'm working on. 

In ministry... 

• Sometimes I feel anxious before our Sunday gathering trying to remember personal ways to connect with women. 
• I've become so frustrated in my inability to memorize scripture that I haven't tried in awhile. 
• I compare myself with other bloggers wishing I had more followers or a broader influence. Gag. 
• I'm fearful that I will receive no new vision for leading the women of our church. 

In life...

• For the last few months I felt entitled to drink a Starbucks chai almost every day. I've given it up for now.
• Pride sometimes causes me to long to do "big things" for God, but I'm afraid my desires may be for my name's sake, not His. Sigh.
• Since I've been on sabbatical, I've battled comparison much...in my house, in my shape, in my effectiveness. It has been an exhausting fight. Even as an almost 40 year old I am still learning to take my thoughts captive. 
• For some strange irrational reason, I am dreading turning 40. Shiver. 

Well, there ya have it. Actually, you just have a little. I enjoy making people squirm in some awkwardness, but I don't want to overwhelm you with all my junk. Turns out Jesus is the only One grand, supreme, just, and forgiving enough to deal with all my junk.  

Friends, let's not live a facade. I hope you each have a few people in your life with whom you can be honest. If you don't, ask the Spirit of God to give you courage to truly share your heart, to give you trustworthy friends, to enable you to depend on others and allow others to depend on you. 

Let's also be wise as we look to all sorts of media to learn some amazing skills, recipes, and life tools. Ask God to give you security in Him, discernment with information, wisdom in scripture, and contentment with your own race.

Colossians 2:6-7

So then, just as you have received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and established in him, strengthened in the faith just as you were taught, overflowing with thankfulness. 

How do you respond to information you see, hear, or read? What tool do you use to filter information that comes into your heart, mind, and soul?

Do you ever compare yourself to those around you? What are the areas of your life that need attention and/or surrender to Jesus? What evidence from your life shows your security in Christ?

Who can you encourage today to run the race Jesus has marked out for them? Will you encourage yourself to run your own race?

Psalm 19:14

May the words of my mouth and the mediation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer. 

Moxie Memorizers

Our time together on Sunday night was so encouraging for me. Everyone had such bright excited eyes. I hope that you all have someone with whom you can share your scripture memory journey! Disciplines alone are good, but disciplines in community are better (except solitude, of course.)

I will be filling in a contextual whole in Ephesians 3 over the next two weeks. In college I memorized Ephesians 3:17-18. Later in life I added 19-21. Now I'm going back to add verse 16 and the first part of 17. That's right. I only memorized the second part of 17 the first time around. Why, you may ask? I have no idea.

Ephesians 3:16-17a

I pray out of his glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, (17) so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. 

I'm even going to re-write my verse 17 card to include the whole verse...if I can get over the nostalgia of the antique looking card. It was written in 1992, after all! That's almost as old as some of you!

One more thing. If you are participating in this journey with us, I would love to be able to encourage you through your comments by emailing you back. When you post a comment I essentially get an email from you in my inbox. Some of you have set up your accounts with your email address, some of you haven't so you are a "no-reply" commenter. If you would like to know what in the world I'm talking about please read this post at Bearing Fruit by Andee to learn more. Also, a long, long time ago one of my favorite bloggers wrote a post about how to fix your google profile to include your email address.  Leslie, if you remember when you wrote that post would you include the link in your memory verse comment? If you can't remember when you wrote it and find it later this week or so, I would love to add a link so I can help my friends. What do you think?

That may seem like a random tangent to a scripture memory post, but it isn't. I want the ability to be able to encourage each of you in your journeys. We are doing this together, friends. Hebrews 3:12-13 says, "See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. Encourage one another daily as long as it is called today so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness."

We often think of hearts hardened by sin's deceitfulness as deep dark hidden issues. I don't know about you, but my heart gets hard through laziness, apathy, procrastination. I appreciate the encouragement I receive through each of your comments on the scripture memory posts. I prevents my heart from hardening. It would be my joy to return the favor!

I'm asking two things this time around:

First and most importantly, post your verse. I LOVE reading what you are memorizing, praying for you, asking God to strengthen your resolve and deepen your relationship with Him.

Second, if you haven't already, sign up to follow. Include your email address, so I can return the love.

Ready? Go!