Worn Out

I've been pretty out of it this week. I told Chad I felt one of three possibilities may be happening.

     1. My 'bucket' (what I pour out of to do all the stuff I do) is empty.
     2. Hormonies were making me fuzzy and weird.
     3. Residual stroke effects (Dr said it would happen) could be causing fatigue.

Or what if it was a combination of all three? Or what if it's been allergies or I'm catching a cold? Or what if I was just being a wimp?

Bleh. That's it. Just Bleh.

Do you ever feel that way? I wish I could just go, go, go sometimes but I can't. And guess what...God knows I can't, that you can't, that he didn't create us to go, go go all the time.

Come to me all who labor and heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  ~Matthew 11:28 

Even youths will grow tired and weary, and young men will stumble and fall. ~Isaiah 40:30

For I will satisfy the weary soul. ~Jeremiah 31:25

My soul finds rest in God alone. ~Psalm 62:1 

Sometimes I just need rest for no explanation at all. It's difficult for me to admit, mostly because I may not have anything to show for what is zapping my energy. However, I'm continually needing to grow in the area of resting in Jesus. Reading a book that is just fun. Taking a nap in the middle of my day off. Skipping exercise for the day. Baking cookies to give to some friends. Rest.

A friend of my shared an excellent verse with me yesterday that encouraged my soul. I'm going to commit it to memory. Does anyone else need to meditate on this?

I, Daniel, was worn out. I lay exhausted for several days. Then I went about the king's business. ~Daniel 8:27 

Yes! Exactly! Worn out and lay exhausted for a few days. But then we get up and go about King Jesus' business.

I haven't been very productive in output this week. But I'm simply taking a break, getting ready to go about the King's business.

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What are you memorizing right now? What scripture is God using to speak to your heart lately? How are you feeling right now? Ready to go or needing rest? 

May your heart, mind, body, and soul find rest in Jesus! 

Apples, 25 Minutes, and Learning

Gosh. September 10th was my last post. That's a long time ago. I've written many blog posts in my head, but obviously they haven't gotten typed out. Some of the topics in my brain I want to share with you are quite heavy, so jumping into those with more than a month's hiatus seems wrong.

I need to finish the talking to your kids about sex series I started. I want to share with you what my job of being on staff at a church as a women's ministry leader looks like. I've been contemplating the gift that is Chad's teaching our church gets to enjoy every Sunday. It would be fun, but very weird to write something about that so that post may just stay in my head. But, to get back into the swing of things I decided to just tell you what I'm enjoying and learning lately. That should be easy enough.

Up first, Matt Reddman. Can I just say this man has been anointed to lead the global Church to worship Jesus? I mean, really. He is a gifted song writer and leader. I bet many of you can share several songs that he's written that have been used over the years within the Church. Take Heart of Worship, for instance. Or Blessed Be Your Name. Or Holy. In my opinion, his new album, Your Grace Finds Me, does not disappoint. I wasn't wowed the first time I listened, but as it's been on repeat in my vehicle I've grown to love it. The song This Beating Heart makes me so happy. When song writers use phrases like, "My soul, my soul sings for you," it speaks my language. "There's music within my soul, more than these flesh and bones I know." Yes! Exactly how I feel! If you like Matt Redman (and if you don't, don't tell me. Just keep your weirdness to yourself) buy the album. It's good.

Buy it HERE 

What else am I into? Honey Crisp Apples. This is the only time of year you can buy them, so I do. They are pricey, but I just love them. Apples are my favorite every day fruit. They are an easy, quick, filling, delicious snack. Gala apples are my go-to, but right now it's all about the Honey Crisp. My friend, Susan, introduced me to their deliciousness so I think about her every time I enjoy one. You should try it. Again, if you don't like them, don't tell me how weird you are. Ok?

Moving on...

Chad and I are currently leading Persevering in the Second Mile which is a 10-12 week leadership class. I love it. Investing in young leaders of our church excites and inspires me. Also, it challenges me to think deeply about how I'm growing in my skills and gifts to lead others.  One area in my life I'm currently mulling over is my schedule. Good leaders don't let others control their schedules. Uh-oh. This is a big area of needed growth in my life. It is difficult to write out how this needs to change without putting unnecessary burdens on others. I can say church details, meetings with a variety of people with a variety of life circumstances, and juggling my four busy kids' schedules often leaves me completely spent at the end of every day. My health is so much better, but it is still an area of concern which is difficult for myself, let alone others understand. One of my least favorite phrases to say or hear is "I'm exhausted." Most of the time when it is said it is spoken with tired exasperation like, "I'm sooooo exhaaaaauuusted." Ick. Makes me shiver. So instead of uttering those dreadful words, I'm asking God to direct my mind and heart towards Him, to lead me in my schedule, and to teach me to toil with His power at work within me which is so much better than trying to do it on my own. Understatement, much? 

In all of this learning to order my schedule, I know taking care of myself is very important. Another thing I'm totally into right now is Shaun T's T25. Man, oh, man. I have obliques right now! I can't even believe it myself! I am planking my way into feeling great! T25 has helped me get rid of the excuse of not having enough time. It is a hard hitting, 25 minute, core-focused, two month workout system. If you need something new to shake up your current exercise, look into this. One word of caution, you will get addicted to the fact that it is only 25 minutes. I'm not sure I will be able to go back to the hour long work-outs I used to do. I can find 25 minutes in just about every day (except yesterday.) Ha!  

Order it HERE 

A few more random things I love...  Morgan and Carah singing songs over and over and over from their school play that's coming in December, roasted vegetables, Chad's persistence in many areas of life, pumpkin displays at all the grocery stores, hearing my kids constantly ask about that annoying fox, watching Esther get excited about college, Instagram, Kyle dressing up for Fashion Disaster Day at school, Second Mile meeting in a new location, a denim shirt I purchased at Ross, and YOU.

What are you into these days? Please don't be shy. Share something with us. Influence us to be into it, too. 

Not as Hole-y as I Used to Be

I haven't updated you on my health lately because it has been difficult to know where to start. Many times I've started to write an update only to sit and stare at the screen. Today I am willing myself to get it done, so I better just jump in and skip anymore intro fluff. 

Many of you know that the cardiologist found a PFO (a hole) in my heart that allowed a clot to sneak through and cause the stroke. Skipping over a bunch of details, last Monday (February 25th) I had a procedure done to close the hole.

The procedure usually takes two to three hours, but it only took the doctor 40 minutes to plug the hole. He and his team used a catheter through my femoral vein to reach my heart. He told Chad the catheter went straight to the hole and he didn't have to search for it. We attribute this to all of the prayers being spoken on my behalf. Thank you!

This short animated video will give you an idea of what the doctor did to my heart. 

So now I have a titanium and nickel "device" in my heart that plugs the hole. God made our bodies so extraordinary that my heart will basically incorporate the piece of metal and heal around it. Strange. Can I feel it? Why, yes. Yes, I can. But, I actually can't. I just think I can because I'm weird/hyper-sensitive like that. Each time I "feel" it, I tell myself over and over, "You're fine. You can't feel it. You're just a freak." 

Recovering from this procedure is no stress or strain and rest for a couple of weeks. The doctors said I can return to normal activity in 14 days. So, next Monday I'm going to go out and run stadiums and sprints. Anyone want to join me? 

Just kidding. I'm so not doing that.

Actually, one of the most interesting parts of this health journey I'm on is to continue to learn to listen to my body and balance what each doctor tells me. The cardiologist is only speaking his suggestions for my activity level based on my heart. The neurologist is only speaking his suggestions for my activity level based on my brain. Neither doctor considers other parts of my body that may need rest and/or healing, so it's up to me (and Chad) to combine each doctor's wisdom to decipher what is best for me and our family. 

Even though my heart is on the mend, my brain still has some reconnections to make. The neurologist told me to expect about two years. I've got six months down, just a few more to go. Chad has been more free with me lately in relating ways he sees differences in how I interact with the world. He is so careful in what he shares with me because he knows I can't help the differences. He doesn't want to burden me with things I can't change. I'm grateful for his protection. My stubborn pride often wants to demand the information, but my respect and trust of him allows me to choose to simply believe that it is not the burden for me to bare at this time. Thank you for your continued patience as my brain takes its sweet old time fixing itself. I'm continuing to learn, trust, wait, pray... 

My family and I have been so supported by you in this process. Prayer, gifts, meals, and money are a few of the ways you have supported us. My love for my community continues to grow because of the love you've shown us. Thank you for loving us! We love you, too!

John 13:34-35 

A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another. 

Like a Tree :: An Update

A few months ago Chad asked me to write up some thoughts highlighting what I've learned so far in this health journey. I re-read it this morning and it encouraged me to press into Jesus and renew focus. January has been a rough month. I thought I had geared myself up to make it all the way to the 31st, but Sunday I fell short. It was a rough day realizing I still needed to be strong enough to make it another week, but felt completely empty with no reserves. 

Sometimes when I face difficulties I read back through my journals or even this blog to remind myself of all that God has done in my life. He is faithful. Even though my heart is prone to wander, He never ever wanders. I may forget, but His memory is perfect. 

This is what I wrote for Chad to read during one of his Sunday messages. I hope it encourages you as it encouraged me. 

In the beginning I was overwhelmed with fear and questions. Before we knew it was a stroke, my mind would run away with so many what ifs. While we were waiting for the initial diagnosis, God continuously brought 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 to my heart. Be joyful always, pray continuously, give thanks in all circumstances for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. I would consider myself a fairly thankful person, but suddenly I was challenged with being thankful in a scary life circumstance in which I had no idea of the outcome. My heart was overwhelmed with thankfulness for Chad and my kids, but God was challenging me with more. Could I be thankful that He was taking me through such a trial? As He has so perfectly planned, being deeply thankful that He was giving me this opportunity to more fully trust Him was the one of the main ways He brought peace to my heart through the anxiety. On many occasions since August 16th when the stroke occurred, I have spoken out loud to God, "Thank you for this opportunity to trust you more fully." This isn't a casual "Oh, thank you for this day" type prayer. This is deep in my heart, through prayer, tears, and often fear, "Thank you, thank you, thank you for your faithfulness, for your provision, for your steadfast love, that your eyes are ever upon me, that you are trustworthy, that the outcome of this does not change who you are, that you desire to mold me and shape me to be more like Christ."

I've questioned myself so many times over the last three months (now five) wondering where I am rooted. In my marriage? In being a mom? In ministering to women? In physical and emotional strength? All of these wonderful things in my life are so good…they are the beautiful marbles in the glass jar of my life, but I sometimes wonder if I'm just coasting on a big fat head full of just puffed up knowledge. Over the last three months Jeremiah 17:7-8 has become a passage that I continuously pray in my heart, out loud, in my dreams, when I can't focus on conversations, when I am afraid, when I'm sitting in doctors offices, when I am too tired to engage, when I wonder what my new normal will be. “Blessed is the man {or woman} whose trust is in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes, its leaves are always green. It has no worry in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”  I so want my confidence to be in Jesus! I don't want to trust in what is seen because it is only temporary. God has deepened my trust in Him in a way that my words can't convey. He is growing me to be rooted, built up, and established in Him...like a tree. 

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His mercies truly are new to me every morning. I pray I continue to grow my my ability and understanding of accepting and resting in His sweet mercies. 

A quick update on my health: I was referred to a specialist in Phoenix. Chad and I are both very pleased with him. He spent about 45 minutes discussing and reviewing everything with us. He is fairly certain the stroke-causing problem originated with a hole in my heart. When Chad shared this news on Sunday with our church, I heard audible winces. Don't worry. It isn't a huge gaping whole (some may argue otherwise), but a tiny spot that you could make with your pen. I will have two tests on January 29th to confirm or reject the doctors suspicions.

The other relief I received from the doctor was his validation of my symptoms. I've struggled much over the last five months wondering if I was crazy, making symptoms up, being a baby. He confirmed that what happened to me was significant, difficult, and real. He said my brain will take one to two years to heal and that the healing process is very active in the first six months, that I'm still in the middle of the fastest healing and most noticeable symptoms. I felt relieved and validated. 

My family and I continue to appreciate your support and prayers. The journey is a strange one to be facing as a young-ish woman. I always thought strokes were for old people! I still sometimes pause to wonder why in the world I had a stroke. But, I do know that it did happen, I trust God, and we choose to move forward with Him. Thank you for walking this journey with us! 

Surprises in Starbucks

I have a serious case of brain block. To be honest, I'm struggling in the land of ambiguity, therefore I feel as if the self-preservation practice of not thinking has overtaken me.

As you know, after many tests, scans, pokes, and prods it was determined I had a stroke in August. My doctor referred me to a neurologist that I've seen a few times. He ordered more tests and scans to determine the cause of my stroke. During my last visit with him, he crossed his arms, leaned against the cabinet and said there seemed to be no known cause, that because of my age and the location of the stroke in my brain, he was concerned and wanted to send me to a specialist in Phoenix so another set of eyes could look over all my charts and information. That was over a month ago.

I've called the Phoenix doctor's assistant once or twice a week since then, but he is "still looking at my charts" whatever that means. Apparently, he isn't thinking about my brain as much as I am.

So I wait.

The waiting game is like a roller coaster for me. Sometimes it creates an out of sight out of mind attitude. I act like I didn't have a stroke, don't take my baby aspirin, and pack my schedule full of meetings and activities. This foolishness results in increased symptoms such as tears, headaches, and difficulty in speaking. Clearly, ignoring reality isn't a great practice for me.

Sometimes in the waiting game, I over think everything that has happened. I research online to find answers about having a stroke as a 39 year old woman in the right temporal lobe of the brain. You will not be surprised to know there is some scary information on the internet! I believe that being an advocate and educating myself is wise. I believe researching without a foundation of knowledge and an actual diagnosis is unwise and can lead to fear.

Sometimes in the waiting game, I avoid good things like blogging, reading books, thinking deeply about theology and how God is active in our world. Honestly, I think (ha) if I would engage in these activities I love, I may find some relief from ambiguity.

But, I'm afraid.

I'm afraid if I move on that I may forget something bad happened to me this summer.

I'm afraid if I move on my community will expect me to be the way I used to be, able to keep up with all of life's demands.

I'm afraid if I move on I will actually discover that I've just been being a baby.

I'm afraid if I move on I will never know any answers as to why I had a stroke in the first place and that there might actually be an answer AND if there is an answer we don't know about I'm afraid it may happen again.

I'm afraid if I move on and try to start reading deep books or have deep conversations I will be confronted with one of my worst fears that my brain has changed too much and I'm not smart enough remember or to keep up.

I'm afraid if I keep typing out all these fears I didn't know I even had I will be bawling my eyes out right in the middle of this Starbucks. The other patrons may feel awkward. Good news: I'm not afraid to be awkward. I'm a natural at awkwardness, but I should be considerate of others.

Oh fear, you suck. I can rationalize that you are irrational, but isn't that the point of most fears? Well, up yours! I am moving on, but not like you tell me I should by ignoring reality, researching to the point of fear, or sitting on the floor with my hands over my head hoping nothing else falls on me.

I'm taking Chad's and Lauren's advice in remembering that intensity is not the point. Daily devotion and consistency is the point. I know these truths in my brain, but once again, life circumstances are requiring me to move what was once easily lived out into a deeper, more experiential place in my heart and mind.

To live this out, I will try to read a couple of paragraphs of A Glorious Ruin by Tullian Tchividjian  (Thanks, Alysa) three or four times a week. My goal/hope is to blog five times this December. To many of you that may not seem like much, but these are a big goals for me as blogging and reading are much more difficult than they used to be.

I will take my baby aspirin every day. I will continue to go on my morning walks and go to yoga class once a week. I will not overdo it in meeting with people, but I will have a few meetings each week.

The most difficult goal is to talk with a few friends about what I'm really processing concerning this dumb stroke. Ugh. This one is a hard one because being the overly intuitive person that I am, I often wrongly intuit that I'm bothering people. I know, I know. It's silly, but I'm a sinner and have wrong thinking sometimes. Thank goodness for Jesus' grace and the gentleness of friends.

I appreciate some of you are gearing yourself up to "hold me accountable." While I appreciate the offer, I think this public confession will be all the accountability I need. If all of the people that love me start asking if I'm reading every day I may punch someone in the face with harsh words and then you will feel sad and rejected and then I will have to apologize and then you'll wonder if I really love Jesus, so maybe just encourage and pray?? Is that fair? It's not that I don't need accountablity. It's just that I don't need it from all of you.

Whew. This blog post was a shock. I set out to write about why traditions are important to me and ended up telling you about some ickiness in my heart. I guess the good news is I have still have another topic to write about!

Jumbled, Confused, and Strong

I haven't posted anything for a few weeks. If you know me personally or you've read any other posts you probably know why I've been kind of quiet.

Chad and I are still visiting doctors so I can get poked and prodded as doctors try to figure out why I randomly had a stroke one day. So far, all my systems have checked out beautifully which is a very good thing.

My heart? Great. My blood? Excellent. My arteries? Clear and flowing. One more test to check the smaller blood vessels in my brain. I wonder why they couldn't check the smaller ones when they checked the larger ones, but who am I to question a neurologist? I planned lessons about leaves for children in college. (No offense to all you fantastic amazing teachers out there.)

After this final test when they tell me the small blood vessels in my brain are also perfectly fine (which is, of course, what we are praying) we will move forward with a cryptogenic stroke diagnosis which basically means I randomly had a stroke one day. More about that when it becomes the actual diagnosis...

As for my quietness in blogging, my brain hurts. I mean, I can tell you exactly where my stroke occurred because when I think for a long time on a subject, or review my memory packet for too long, or engage in intense conversations, or plan four sessions on Titus 3 for a women's retreat my right temporal lobe throbs. So, in order to avoid pain in my brain, I avoid this blog.

The thing is I love this blog. It is a convenient tool to use with the women of Second Mile I am blessed to lead. A few people I've met though out life read my thoughts which humbles and excites me. It has also become a conduit for relationships with women I would have never "met" apart from this crazy internet land. When I'm not blogging I feel somewhat voiceless in these areas.

I was blessed over this past weekend in that Retreat de Moxie gave me the opportunity to use my voice with 47 lovely ladies. I spoke on Titus 3, challenging the women with reminders of how to treat people, who we were before Christ, that we are saved by His generous kindness and love, and how we should treat one another. The passage continues to play over and over in my mind. My prayer is it is playing over and over in their minds, too.

To be honest, this weekend took everything I had. The sports mantra "leave it all on the field" popped into my head several times during the retreat. After each session I went to my little closet that my sweet friends transformed into my room and laid on my air mattress and let the tears stream. Don't worry, friends. It's mostly stroke symptomatic. However, there was also emotion stemming from desiring my old brain back. I didn't want to have to lay down. I wanted to talk with everyone, to hear what each person was processing, to stay up late and laugh, but physically I just couldn't.

As I would lay there and pray, 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 became more personal than it had ever been.

There was given me a thorn in my flesh (in my brain). Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it from me (probably more like 30 times.) But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in all kinds of weaknesses." Therefore, in the quiet moments in my closet I chose to be thankful for this new weakness which allowed me to depend on Jesus in a way I never had. In my weakness, I pray he used my words to challenge the women and glorify Himself.   (Paraphrased and made personal)

After the third and last session on Saturday evening, I sat down and turned my heart towards Jesus to thank him for letting me speak to His daughters. I confessed to Him that I felt like it was the worst teaching I had ever spoken in my ministry years, that it was jumbled and confusing because my brain felt jumbled and confused, but asked that He would use it anyway. I confessed my feelings to some friends and they told me my assessment was wrong. Isn't the Spirit funny that way? When I felt my absolute weakest, He made something good for His people to hear.

"Remind the people...Titus 3" 

Thank you, Moxie ladies, for letting me lead you during the retreat. Your prayers helped to lift and carry me. You all make me so happy.

Thank you, friends, for continuing to love and support me during this weird time. I often tell myself what I'm going through could be much worse in order to gain perspective, but perspective does not diminish the fact that my brain has changed and this is difficult.

My hope is to continue to write on this blog. I'm pretending it is good therapy to help the re-wiring of my brain progress a little faster. Don't you agree?

Retreat de Moxie friends. Photo taken by the lovely Monique. 

A New Season

Sometimes a person can coast for awhile with light heartedness, smiles, and ease. These times are a sweet season of peace from the One who restores us with an extended sabbath for our bodies and our souls.

Sometimes a person must tighten up their boot straps, focus a little harder, furrow their brow a little deeper, and lean heavily on the Cornerstone for support, wisdom, and the ability to persevere. These times can often be a season of sweet sifting by the One who molds us through trials which hopefully produce the sweet fruit of dependance on the Sustainer of Life. 

As the sovereign God has seen fit, I've found myself in a season which demands a deeper dependance on Jesus. 

There have been days when fear knocked on my heart all day long. Taking my thoughts captive and submitting them to Jesus felt like I was doing mental squats with heavy weight and my mind fatigued at the end of the day. When fear would sometimes overtake my desire to trust in God, panic and anxiety stepped in to wreak havoc in my heart. The Spirit of God liberates me from these fears through the power of His word. 

Whom have I in heaven but you and the earth has nothing I desire besides you? My heart and my flesh may fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26

My heart and my flesh may fail, but God you are my strength. Thank you. 

Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18  

Be joyful and pray! Thank you, Jesus, for this opportunity to depend on you more fully. 

There have been days when self-centeredness tempted me to decorate for a pity party to throw in my own honor. Fighting the battle to look to Christ and care for others, even if only through prayer, took focus and determination. Sometimes I just sat right on down on the party bench, cut myself a big piece of pity cake, and held a few helium balloons shaped like my sad, weepy head. Jesus gently reminded me of His work in my life to make me more like Himself. 

What is more I consider everything a lost compared to the surpassing power of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord for whose sake I have lost all things. Phil 3:8-9

Nothing compares to knowing you, my Jesus. 

Do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering as though something strange were happening to you, but rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ that you may be overjoyed when His glory is revealed. 1 Pet 4:19-20 

This is for your glory, God. I won't be surprised by this trial, but I will focus on you. 

There have been days where it is difficult to focus, where I cannot find words, noise agitates my nerves, when my head just hurts. The temptation to believe the lie that I'm weak or even worse, faking, entices my thoughts. But, what is so bad about being weak? Struggling through strength vs. weakness are often ponderings of my heart. When I wonder about being the helper I want to be for Chad, He answers. When I wonder about investing in my kids, He answers. When I wonder about mentoring women, He answers. When I wonder about leading a retreat for the women I love so dearly, He answers. 

...there was given me a thorn in my flesh...Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it from me, but He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness so that Christ's power may rest on me...For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:7:10

I can more fully rely on You in my weakness. You are deepening my experiential understanding of allowing You to work and move and minister to, in, and through me by the power of your Spirit. Thank you. 

There have been days I have wanted to tell all of you what is going on in my life and other days I didn't want to tell a soul. Truth be told, I don't know the whys to the what just yet. However, I don't want to be a stinker and leave you to speculate. 

A few weeks ago, I had an incident before teaching my spin class. I had no idea what was happening because I am 39 and in excellent health. Because it didn't even occur to me I could be suffering from something significant, I taught my class. Now I have tangible proof that I am one tough, stubborn lady! 

After many tests and long days of waiting, it was determined that I had a moderate stroke. I do not have a single risk factor which has led the neurologist to refer me to a cardiologist to do some tests on my heart. We don't know why it happened. Very intelligent doctors will be working to figure out if there is a problem and the needed solutions. 

In the global scheme of things, this is small. People deal with unimaginable life circumstances every day. I've asked God to enable me to set my mind on things above where Christ is seated at His right hand, to teach me to pray for all kinds of people I personally know and do not know.

On a personal level, this is heavy. I'm taking a sabbatical from meeting with women. I'm going to need to allow my brain time to heal and rewire. Through all of this it has been thoroughly revealed that I have many amazing people in my life. I am prayed for, loved, and supported by you. The creative ways that people are supporting my family and me blesses me. 

The great God I worship has been gracious to me through His word which is alive and active in my very own heart.

Through this journey I pray I will depend on His grace that enables me to trust Him with all my heart, to not lean on my own understanding (which is pretty much no understanding), to acknowledge Him in all my ways, and to trust that He will make my paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6).

 He is faithful. 

Going Public Part 2 :: The Practical Side

The response I've received from Going Public Part 1 has been different than any post I've written. Some of you have emailed, called, texted, stopped me at church to thank me for my vulnerability, and share where you are in the "I deserve" journey. I've also noticed that food and exercise posts touch a nerve. In the church we often side step being honest with one another about health, finances, and sex. Interestingly enough, those three areas often ruin people.

Several of you asked me to share my eating and exercise plan, so I'm going to do that. Please remember, this is my story. Some of the principles can be true for almost anyone, but what worked for me was the conviction God brought into my life which led to desiring to change for His glory above my own. He is so gracious and giving that I, too, benefit from this change in my body.

First, exercise. Chad and I used Insanity. The name does not do the ridiculousness of the workout justice. At the end of one of the workouts, Shaun T. says, "That *beep* is bananas, yo." He ain't lying! I would never recommend someone who is just starting to exercise to use this plan. However, I've been teaching fitness classes for almost 12 years. My body was so plateaued and I had no desire to figure out a new plan on my own. Insanity seriously kicked my butt in major ways six days a week. If you are just starting, go for a walk. Meet a friend and do something active. Get moving.

Second, food. My friend repeatedly told me good eating is 90% of fitness. On some level, I agreed with what she said, but now I've experientially learned this to be true. You see, I hurt myself three weeks ago and I've only been able to do two spin classes a week. Guess what. I've still lost three pounds. That's where I want to say, "That *beep* is bananas, yo." Paying attention to calories and quality of food helps me feel good. I'm moving food out of the focus of my mouth, stomach, and mind. It does not consume me they way it has in the past.

Here are some examples of what I eat.

Almost every day I eat one cup of cooked oatmeal with 1/4 cup nonfat or rice milk with 2 tablespoons of chopped pecans. No sugar. You get used to it and start to enjoy it. I promise. By the way, last week the doctor told me I had the lowest bad cholesterol levels he had ever seen. I'm convinced it's all in the oatmeal.

Every once in a while, Chad and I will make ourselves omelettes with two eggs, some turkey or chicken, tons of broccoli, mushrooms, red bell peppers, and salsa. So, so good.

I have a snack in the morning and afternoon. 12 almonds OR a piece of fruit OR a nonfat chai from Starbucks because I love it OR carrots and a couple of tablespoons of hummus OR popcorn. It doesn't matter to me what my snack is as long as it is a normal serving, real food (no processed stuff), and filling.

Chad also makes smoothies. Sometimes we drink them as snacks, but when we are in a hurry because of kid sports or meetings we use them as meals. For both of us, he adds one cup Greek yogurt, a banana, a cup of frozen berries, a huge handful of spinach or kale. He experiments with ingredients, and most of the time, it's tasty. Sometimes he adds a little peanut butter and/or honey. He adds some ice and blends it all up in our normal blender. Good stuff.

Lunch and dinner I eat 4 ounces of a lean protein and as many vegetables as I can eat. I cut out pastas and breads. In the beginning I thought I was going to die without them, but I honestly feel better now that I'm not eating it anymore. Sometimes I will have a sandwich with one piece of bread or a sandwich from Subway minus mayo. Sometimes I will overfill my plate with raw veggies and eat them with hummus or salsa. Salsa has a lot of salt, but I make my own and decided it was ok for me. If I want to eat it, I google calories and nutritional value first and then make a decision.

I only drink tea and water. Chad drinks coffee, but I haven't grown up enough yet to have acquired the taste. Like I mentioned above, I will have a my beloved Starbucks chai, but it counts as a snack, not a beverage.

Also, Chad and I have done a lot of google searches on our favorite restaurants. Did you know a Chipotle salad sans dressing with beans, fajita veggies, beef, and salsa is only 400 calories? So delicious. Did you know that Kung Pao Chicken with all those great vegetables and fresh chicken at Pei Wei has 960 calories not including the rice? Sheesh! That's crazy and way too many calories for one meal! I really do google everything I may want to eat at any given restaurant. I've found the real food places and happily skip the others.

This is important:

I'm not a food freak. If someone has us over for dinner and serves a big cheesy pasta casserole I will eat it, love it, cherish the hospitality. If our family needs a break, I will order a pizza and eat some. If I'm at a party and someone made a cake, I will have a small piece. I'm not obsessive about this. As a family, we are making conscious decisions about what we put in our mouths, but we still live with freedom.

Before you start thinking, "I could never do that" let me remind you that the first month and maybe longer, I threw temper tantrums. I hated the smoothies Chad made with Greek yogurt, spinach, and berries. They were so sour and gross. They needed sugar! One time we were out of spinach so he added cauliflower. I was so annoyed I could hardly look at him. But, my tastebuds have changed. They aren't spoiled little bumps any more. I love our smoothies. It takes time to retrain your taste buds and your brain. You can do it.

If you have any questions, feel free to contact me or leave a comment. This isn't an inspiring blog post where you can hear Chariots of Fire playing in the background. It is practical. It is a glimpse of how Chad and I have changed our entitlement issues with food. It is a window into my weird little world.

I look forward to hearing from some of you!

Going Public

On January 1st I weighed the most I've ever weighed, had just purchased the biggest pants I've ever owned, and felt the grossest I've ever felt. I knew how to hide all the extra I had accumulated, so some of you may be doubting my assessment. Or, some of you knew and never told me. We had a pact! You were supposed to tell me.

In the fall I went through a book with a group of people titled The Character of Leadership. Self-control was a character trait we read about and discussed. The author shared an example from his own life about his eating being out of control and to master it, he fasted regularly. As I read the short paragraph, I felt drenched in the heaviness of the Spirit's conviction. I knew that my lack of self-control manifested itself in my entitled attitude towards food.

I deserved a Diet Dr Pepper in the afternoon because I had spent so much time carpooling kids all over town.

I deserved french fries at Chick-fil-a because I worked hard in spinning.

I deserved ice cream at the end of the night because I had so many meetings during the day.

I deserved peanut M&Ms because the stress of Second Mile was heavy.

I deserved pasta, bread, refined whatever because I was a good cook and should get to eat what I made.

I deserved, I deserved, I deserved. 

Ironically, "I deserve" is one of my least favorite phrases in the English language and I was abusing it daily without even recognizing my growing, ugly self-entitlement.

Through the last two weeks of December I devised a plan. My heart's desire was to surrender my will and I asked God to increase the fruit of self-control in my life. Chad and I also planned to put one of our Christmas gifts to good work. A good friend of ours said, "Merry Christmas, chubbies! Here is Insanity for you!" Just kidding. She would never say that, but we had shared our desires for health with her and she bought the program for us as a very generous gift.

We exercised our butts off.  Literally. Jumping, kicking, squatting, sweating, crying. So, so hard. I never made it through an entire workout without taking significant breaks. But Chad and I went for it. But, to be honest, this wasn't my struggle. I've always enjoyed exercise. It was difficult to be sure, but not as much as the changes I was making in my eating.

As food was my idol of choice, breaking myself from its grip became painful. I threw a temper tantrum or two. I felt hungry. I was annoyed. I didn't want to measure out portions. I just wanted something salty and crunchy or gooey and sweet. Essentially I was struggling to break my will and focus where my dependence should have been. Stress very often sent me to the refrigerator and not to my knees in prayer.

The change had to be radical. This may not be true for some of you. Remember this is my story. Some of you may need faithful, gradual change. In my life gradual leads to attention deficit. I needed to go all out.

My mantra for many years has been "moderation is the key!" I've discovered this is such a lie! Saying I could enjoy something in moderation was another way of disguising my entitlement. I've since learned that wisdom is the key. Even in eating.

Moderation says, "It's ok to have a bowl of ice cream every night if it is a small bowl." Wisdom says, "Read the labels. One half cup of that premium choice ice cream is 325 calories."

Moderation says, "Diet soda doesn't have calories." Wisdom says, "Do I really need all of those fake ingredients running through my body?"

Moderation says, "Vegetables are good for you." Wisdom says, "Eat as many vegetables as you can possibly pack into your gut." True statement.

"If any of you lacks wisdom he should ask God who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him." James 1:5 

"Wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure, then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere." James 3:17

It's the end of April. I've dropped a couple of sizes, my blood tests look wonderful, and I feel good. There are no before and after photos because the main point of this journey for me has not been about physical change as much as it has been about spiritual change. As I continue to pray for wisdom and self-control in the area of eating, I'm asking for real, lasting change.

"For the kingdom of heaven is not about eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit."  Romans 14:17

Let me encourage you to think through your own life. Do you have any "I deserve" areas that may need the attention of the Holy Spirit? If you do, would you be willing to ask God for wisdom in dealing with it? How are you refining your character to be more like Christ?

This journey is a personal one. But, I'm hoping going public with parts of it may inspire you to look deeply into your heart and allow the Spirit to bring about change that impacts not just your body, but your spirit as well.

**I've written Part 2 to Going Public if you are interested in reading the practical side of this life change. Please click over to read it if you would like more of the story.

Friends and Food

One of the most interesting culinary expansions for the Haynes family this year came from my friend, Alysa Bajenaru. She's a freaky food genius. Not only is she a great chef, but she's also a registered dietician, so the foods she teaches about are delicious and certainly nutritious.

Sweet potatoes...in Mexican food.  DEE-lish.

I've choked down the smashed up, gooey, sugary, marshmallow ick that so many people enjoy at Thanksgiving. Personally, I never liked the stuff. So, when Alysa used diced, sauteed sweet potatoes in her famous enchiladas, I scoffed. However, the spicy flavors of Mexican food mixed with the subtle sweetness of the potato works to combine flavor explosions in your mouth.

Now I use sweet potatoes sauteed in olive oil with chile powder, garlic, cumin seed, black pepper, and kosher salt in almost all Mexican dishes...enchiladas (rolled and stacked), burritos, nachos, tacos, stews... you name it.

Tonight we had nachos for dinner. The whole family loves this meal because each person can pile on exactly what they want. It was pretty basic tonight: Ground turkey, brown rice, pinto beans, sauteed sweet potato, cheese, guacamole, green chile salsa.  Sound good? It was.

This is Carah's plate.  She likes everything except the green chile. Her preference is traditional salsa which I also had on hand.

I opted for a healthier version and used fresh spinach for the base and crumbled a few chips on top for desired crunch.

I wanted to give you all a glimpse into my family's eating habits, make you drool a little, and possibly inspire you to try something new, but the point of this post is actually more purposeful.

My friend, Alysa, is knowledgable registered dietician who writes a great blog full of advice, delicious recipes, and pictures of her beautiful family. Her husband was on staff at Second Mile for a season, but took an exciting coaching job in the game of baseball that the whole Bajenaru family loves. Alysa was a vital part of Moxie (our women's ministry) and is sorely missed. She's a great wife, awesome mom, and wonderful friend. She was recently diagnosed with Celiac disease and seeks to live and eat in such a way to feel good and honor God with her attitude. I hope you will click over and check out her coolness!

Alysa, you are loved, missed, and valued. Thanks for sharing your life and knowledge with us. I hope you feel encouraged!

Linking up with Jami, the mastermind in encouraging us to encourage others. Thanks, Jami! 

All or Nothing Kinda Girl

I love to exercise. I love to sweat. I really love to make other people exercise and sweat. (Side note: I don't enjoy making people throw up when they work out. I'll leave that to my friend, Angela.)

Because I teach fitness classes four mornings a week, I assumed I was getting the work-out that I need. Turns out, during two of the classes I teach, I spend more time facilitating, checking form, and ensuring safety of the clients than actually exercising. This is actually my job, so it's no big deal, but then I'm left with a dilemma. Do I spend separate time getting the work-out that my body actually needs or do I just keep eating and pretend I'm working out?

Yesterday I decided to do my own thing, kick my own tail, plyometrics, core, cardio, sweat like it was the last time I would be able to exercise. Today.... I can't walk. Almost every single muscle in my whole body hurts.

Chad said that I'm an all or nothing kinda girl. I like to be sore, but this is ridiculous. I'm sure there is a lesson to be learned, but I don't care. I'm going to go jump around like a crazy girl again as soon as I get the chance. Doesn't that sound fun??