Because I Said So

One of my blog world pet peeves right now happens to be a very popular trend. It actually makes me cringe every time I see a Facebook post with four little words in the title. I couldn't put my finger on the specifics of why it bothered me so much until the last few days.

As I mentioned in my last post Chad and I are currently leading a group of up and coming leaders in Second Mile. Challenging a group to think deeply about different aspects of leadership always challenges me to rethink and relearn, as well as enjoy new ah-ha moments of leading others. One of the exercises we work through in the class is coming up with a list of our own personal core values. Friends, this is not an easy process. I've been working on my list for a couple of years now and it is finally coming together in a more satisfactory way. In fact, I'm ready to share my list with you. Just kidding. I'm definitely not at that point. But I will share one.

               Understanding

I so value understanding. The funny thing is I shared with the group last week that "self-awareness" was one of my values, but in just six short days it morphed into the more descriptive value of my life as "understanding."

Through the lens of truly understanding, I highly value

• knowing who I am, how I'm wired, how I process the world.
• when others truly know themselves and seek to be better.
• the background of those who are telling me stories.
• the history and context of someone who is hearing my story so that I can fit my words into their framework.
• the opinions of others. (This is a developing skill. Note I said understanding opinions, not agreeing with opinions.)   

A couple of passages in the Bible have been key in my heart and I didn't realize the connection until Sunday night. 

Psalm 119:33-34 

Teach me, O Lord, to follow your decrees that I may keep them to the end. Give me understanding, so I may keep your law and obey it with all my heart. 

Proverbs 18:2 

A fool finds no pleasure in understanding, but delights in airing her own opinion.

I've always been a person who wanted to know why. "Because I said so" continues to mean pretty much nothing to me, not because I'm rebellious, but because I value understanding. I want to understand and help my kids understand. I want others to understand. I want to understand the Bible so I can obey it with all my heart. Understanding bolsters my relationship with Jesus and my relationships with others. 

Before I get back to the pet peeve I mentioned earlier, I want to make a clarification so you can understand I don't mind if you've done this. There is no judgement from me to you. I only cringe when I see the posts because my heart to is see the whole picture, a response, an ability to understand. You've seen the posts. You've been stirred by them. You've even sided with some of them. 

An Open Letter To ________________. 

Dear celebrity, 

Dear politician,

Dear moms of younger children,

Dear moms of older children, 

Dear person I've never met and will probably never meet, 

Dear person I don't know how your day is going and you were really rude to me so I'm going to respond to you, 

Did you see me just get up on my little soap box just now? 

Dear lady on her soap box who should step on down from there, 

Please know I get the point of these letters. From my understanding (heehee) they are to make a directed point in an area of disagreement with something or someone we've encountered in our life. And let me just say even those of us who haven't actually written one out have possibly written them in our heads in one form or another. 

The problem to me is a lack of understanding, a lack of dialogue, a lack of response. The verse I mentioned above says that a fool doesn't try to understand, but only airs their opinion. I do not want to be a fool. 

Actually, I want to respond to others with understanding which is perceiving and comprehending. Understanding does not mean I have to agree with everything. But for me to be able to engage with love towards those around me, I want to understand. When I don't understand I find myself responding with fear or hate or apathy or annoyance or extremes. 

But even if I don't agree with a personal political preference, but work to understand someone's point of view, I can respond with dignity, directness, and diplomacy. 

Even if I don't agree with how someone can be so hateful on the road to another driver, I can seek to understand that maybe they are having a bad day or were raised with different manners than I was, and I can respond with dignity, compassion, and directness. 

Even if I don't agree with how someone in my community is dealing with a life situation, I can seek to understand their perspective and lovingly come along side to help, carry the load, bestow dignity. 

When we don't respond to the world with understanding, we set ourselves above others, we steal dignity which is part of being an image bearer of God, we lose our voice to the world around us, we look closed off and closed-minded. 

If you know me you know I have strong opinions. Understanding does not mean you forfeit the right to think and formulate opinions. On the contrary, understanding deepens your personal insight into the world around you as you lean heavily on God's word. Twenty years ago I naively began to ask God to give me understanding into His word and how it applies to the world. His faithfulness to sand paper away the edges of dogmatic opinion has led me to love Him more deeply which has led me to love others more deeply with a desire to understand. 

The great thing about a blog post like this is it only creates more questions for me. How does understanding differ from agreement? How can you seek to understand in split second scenarios without passing judgement? At what point does seeking to understand become a hinderance to action? 

What about you? Have you thought about understanding the world around you on a micro and macro scale? To you, what is the link between understanding and dignity? 

Share you thoughts with us. Send me an email if you want more discussion on this topic. I will work to seek understanding in your thoughts and questions. 

Apples, 25 Minutes, and Learning

Gosh. September 10th was my last post. That's a long time ago. I've written many blog posts in my head, but obviously they haven't gotten typed out. Some of the topics in my brain I want to share with you are quite heavy, so jumping into those with more than a month's hiatus seems wrong.

I need to finish the talking to your kids about sex series I started. I want to share with you what my job of being on staff at a church as a women's ministry leader looks like. I've been contemplating the gift that is Chad's teaching our church gets to enjoy every Sunday. It would be fun, but very weird to write something about that so that post may just stay in my head. But, to get back into the swing of things I decided to just tell you what I'm enjoying and learning lately. That should be easy enough.

Up first, Matt Reddman. Can I just say this man has been anointed to lead the global Church to worship Jesus? I mean, really. He is a gifted song writer and leader. I bet many of you can share several songs that he's written that have been used over the years within the Church. Take Heart of Worship, for instance. Or Blessed Be Your Name. Or Holy. In my opinion, his new album, Your Grace Finds Me, does not disappoint. I wasn't wowed the first time I listened, but as it's been on repeat in my vehicle I've grown to love it. The song This Beating Heart makes me so happy. When song writers use phrases like, "My soul, my soul sings for you," it speaks my language. "There's music within my soul, more than these flesh and bones I know." Yes! Exactly how I feel! If you like Matt Redman (and if you don't, don't tell me. Just keep your weirdness to yourself) buy the album. It's good.

Buy it HERE 

What else am I into? Honey Crisp Apples. This is the only time of year you can buy them, so I do. They are pricey, but I just love them. Apples are my favorite every day fruit. They are an easy, quick, filling, delicious snack. Gala apples are my go-to, but right now it's all about the Honey Crisp. My friend, Susan, introduced me to their deliciousness so I think about her every time I enjoy one. You should try it. Again, if you don't like them, don't tell me how weird you are. Ok?

Moving on...

Chad and I are currently leading Persevering in the Second Mile which is a 10-12 week leadership class. I love it. Investing in young leaders of our church excites and inspires me. Also, it challenges me to think deeply about how I'm growing in my skills and gifts to lead others.  One area in my life I'm currently mulling over is my schedule. Good leaders don't let others control their schedules. Uh-oh. This is a big area of needed growth in my life. It is difficult to write out how this needs to change without putting unnecessary burdens on others. I can say church details, meetings with a variety of people with a variety of life circumstances, and juggling my four busy kids' schedules often leaves me completely spent at the end of every day. My health is so much better, but it is still an area of concern which is difficult for myself, let alone others understand. One of my least favorite phrases to say or hear is "I'm exhausted." Most of the time when it is said it is spoken with tired exasperation like, "I'm sooooo exhaaaaauuusted." Ick. Makes me shiver. So instead of uttering those dreadful words, I'm asking God to direct my mind and heart towards Him, to lead me in my schedule, and to teach me to toil with His power at work within me which is so much better than trying to do it on my own. Understatement, much? 

In all of this learning to order my schedule, I know taking care of myself is very important. Another thing I'm totally into right now is Shaun T's T25. Man, oh, man. I have obliques right now! I can't even believe it myself! I am planking my way into feeling great! T25 has helped me get rid of the excuse of not having enough time. It is a hard hitting, 25 minute, core-focused, two month workout system. If you need something new to shake up your current exercise, look into this. One word of caution, you will get addicted to the fact that it is only 25 minutes. I'm not sure I will be able to go back to the hour long work-outs I used to do. I can find 25 minutes in just about every day (except yesterday.) Ha!  

Order it HERE 

A few more random things I love...  Morgan and Carah singing songs over and over and over from their school play that's coming in December, roasted vegetables, Chad's persistence in many areas of life, pumpkin displays at all the grocery stores, hearing my kids constantly ask about that annoying fox, watching Esther get excited about college, Instagram, Kyle dressing up for Fashion Disaster Day at school, Second Mile meeting in a new location, a denim shirt I purchased at Ross, and YOU.

What are you into these days? Please don't be shy. Share something with us. Influence us to be into it, too. 

Silly Head Reflections

The rain gently fell through the trees as I sat on the front porch enjoying the wet smell of the forest on a cool Sunday morning. My eyes were puffy from tears, restless sleep, and brain fatigue. My heart swelled with pleasure from watching women engage in worship, scripture, and community, but my spirit felt exposed and vulnerable after pouring out all I had thought through, written out, and prepared for leading up to the retreat.

Recounting the surprise stories that pop into my head as I speak and the words that come to mind during each session is always an interesting part of the retreat aftermath. Confusion and thought chaos often plague me even to the point of not being really sure what I said apart from the used pages of leftover notes I can hold and re-read. This past weekend I let it all hang out as I stood in front of 55 of my closest friends. They heard my heart and words, but they are given the responsibility to translate and apply. It feels freeing, yet eerily ambiguous. Should I clarify? Did it make sense? Did I point to Jesus? 

How in the world do preachers give of their hearts week after week after week? I've asked Chad several times. He just smiles at me like I'm a silly head. Maybe I am a silly head. Maybe if I was sharing week after week after week I would get used to the exposure or maybe not even think twice about it. Maybe. I'm not really interested in finding out. 

Retreat de Moxie is my favorite. The opportunity to speak to the women of my church, to challenge them, to know some of their stories, to make them laugh, and to watch them deal with Jesus blows me away. I love it. The truth be told I would love the opportunity to speak to women more often, but it hasn't been part of my life just yet. How do you do that anyway? "Hello. My name is Angel. You've never heard of me, but I want to speak to your group." Duh. Um, no? So I will take the opportunity year after year, as long as I feel okayed by Jesus, to speak at our women's retreat. And like I said in my last post, this is not some church lady, stereotypical, paper flower making, super sweet, mamsy-pamsy women's retreat. We get down to some serious Jesus business. Just like it should be. 

Thanks for the great photo, Angela! 

I took many hours scratching out notes through three significant passages of scripture. Today I tore the pages out of my notebook to put into the recycle and it felt a bit like when you cook Thanksgiving meal for hours and it only takes five minutes to eat. All the handwritten yellow pages turned into four neatly typed organized five to six point sessions. All the hours of study and writing turned into four one hour sessions. My prayer is that the thoughts and points will resonate with each woman who attended the retreat, that they will think of Mary and Martha differently than they ever have, that they will respond to Jesus as a disciple with a hearty welcome into the deep places of their lives.

I learned a few things over this retreat, too. In honor of my friend, Tori, I will share them with you in bullet format. 

• It is important to give women landmarks for major turns when giving directions, not just highway numbers. 
• The work of ministry is meeting people where they are...going with them...to where God wants them to be. 
• Jesus responds to us with compassion, insight, clarity, and enough. 
• If you bring an extra giant bag of peanut butter M&M's they will be gone in less than 24 hours. 
• Speaking about Jesus being the "I AM" will move women in powerful ways. 
• Jesus as the Resurrection and the Life is a foundational, profound, mystery of our faith! 
• 99% of women scream or squeak when they jump off a platform to zip line. 
• We do not always have the luxury of privacy in our faith. True that. 
• What Jesus has planned to do in our hearts is far greater than what he has planned to do in our circumstances! 
• If you accidentally say "sh*t" in a session when you mean to say "strips" your face will turn red and people will laugh. Loudly.  
• Mary and Martha weeping is not the same word used for Jesus weeping. "Jesus wept" is so misunderstood in the church.   
• Often we focus on what is rotting, decomposing, or being eaten by worms in our life instead of Jesus. 
• Our focus should be on Jesus, not our reputation or our own contrived ideas of justice.
• If you say something you want to clarify, if you truly love people and they know your heart, they will be extraordinarily gracious and loving towards you. 
• 55 women singing Oceans at the top of their lungs promotes huge giant goose bumps. 
• I still cry easily when my brain gets fatigued, but I'm doing way better than I was last year at this time. 

And finally

• You think you can love a group of people so much and then you get smacked up in the head with more love and loyalty that you could ever imagine. 

What are you thinking about these days? If you participated in Retreat de Moxie, what is one serious thing you learned and one funny thing you learned? Do you have any thoughts about any of my bullet points? Please share. You all know comments are my love language. 

Making New Friends

Last year I participated in a pen pal, secret gift, long distance meet up that sweet Kim over at A Cuppa Kim put together. It was great fun and I had been looking forward to this one all year. You see, last year I missed the whole point. Sure, I sent out a great mug. Sure, I received a great mug. But, to be honest, I have no idea who I sent to or received from. Really? Sheesh. Relationship fail. For me, while a package full of goodies is fun to dig through, a new friend is my main hope. I really like people. 

My package shipped out to the sweet Mrs. Dallner in Missouri. It was fun looking through her blog and Instagram. Her family is beautiful. I wanted her package to be lovely and feminine when she opened it up. 

Shortly after I shipped my package off, I came home to a big box with an originally designed address label. I knew the contents were going to be good if someone put so much effort into the mailing label! 

Oh man, Jan you blessed my socks off! This sweet person whom I've never met seriously took the time to get to know me. Through my blog, Pinterest, and Instagram she gathered information and nailed it. I mean, she was so detailed into who I am and what I like. I'm very impressed with Jan's intentionality and attention to detail. 

A personalized journal, beautiful nail polish, a card holder for memorizing scripture, a Zero candy bar (one of my favorite splurges), a Starbucks gift card, a fancy business card holder, and of course a beautiful mug. Her generosity overwhelmed me! The fact that she handmade parts of this package impressed me. As you all know, I'm not so gifted in the handmade department, but I am gifted in the enjoying other's talents department. 

And check out this beautiful mug from Anthropologie! I think it is gorgeous. Liquid tastes better after it sits in this mug. The bold colors, the shades of blue and green, the design...I love it. It is the perfect mug for me.

Here is a closer look at some of the goodies in my package. Jan even learned that Jeremiah 17:7-8 has been the most meaningful passage in my life over this past year. She really did her research. 

To be sure, the stuff in the box honored me. However, to be honest, the letter Jan wrote to me was the true treasure of this year's mug swap. Typed written, front and back, it was full of the details of my story she had gleaned as she sought to gift to me the perfect mug. Her words were encouraging, uplifting, and sincere. 

Jan, thank you. I can tell you are a gifted encourager. Your attention to detail makes this world a more beautiful place. I will pray for you each time I use one of the items you sent which will be often because of the wonderful variety of stuff you sent! I'm hoping we continue to cultivate a long-distance cyber friendship which translates into a real friendship. I'm thankful for you. Thank you for blessing me! 

One last thing: Because the mug swap was so fun last year, I decided to implement a mug swap during Second Mile's annual Retreat de Moxie. Last year 46 women retreated together to hear from God, laugh, and rejuvenate. This year 54 of us are heading to the mountains of Payson, AZ. Now some of you may be wrinkling your nose up at a woman's retreat. Often women's ministry gets a bad wrap, especially in the blog world. Don't lump us into any negative stereo-type. We allow Jesus to do some serious spiritual butt-kicking in our lives. We laugh our cheeks and bellies sore. We fully engage in worship. We hike, fly down zip lines, eat goodies, drink coffee, and talk and talk and talk. This weekend I'm blessed to lead this wonderful group of strong, intelligent, amazing women. Pray for us? And, don't be jealous that I'll be getting another awesome mug. 

The mug I received from last year's Cuppa Kim Mug Swap is on the left. The middle is my new treasure from this year's Cuppa Kim Mug Swap. I received the one on the right during last year's Retreat de Moxie. I'll be adding to this collection on Friday night. I'll come home with a good one, even if I have to steal it. 

Did you participate in this year's swap? 

Moxie ladies, have you picked out the perfect mug for Friday night? 

What is your favorite part of giving fun gifts to people? 

Our Best Selves

Blessed by provision to get out of town, we journeyed to the San Diego area right as the break from school was about to end. Two months isn't long enough to grow bored with no routine, swimming for hours, or watching every Harry Potter movie in just three days. Part of me felt reluctant to leave our summer laziness because I knew vacation minutes move faster when you aren't at home. However, the opportunity to go to the beach with no agenda had never been ours for the taking, so we took it. 

The Haynes family consists of six giant humans. There are no small feet, no small arms, no small mouths, no small opinions. Two lovely families who are still in the small stage of life allowed us to inhabit their space. Each family was gracious, engaging, and life-giving to all six Haynes giants. They hosted us with grace and ease. Even if our ginormity stressed them out, I was completely oblivious to it which is saying something because I am particularly intuitive of others' feelings. The way they blessed my family completely refreshed my heart. 

The Huxleys have been working and serving with Outside the Bowl for awhile. I'm intuitive, but not detailed, so I don't know how long, but I just know they haven't lived here for years and we miss them dearly. They have two lovely, friendly daughters. Eric and Dejah started from the beginning to teach their girls to love and engage with people. We benefited greatly from the love their precious daughters offered us. 

I was remiss in getting a whole Huxley family photo. Remember I'm not so detailed. However, I snapped this perfect shot our first evening on the beach. This sweet girl enjoyed Kyle's company, and he certainly enjoyed hers. Their conversation consisted of how her daddy is a great surfer and how hungry she was. Kyle loved every minute. 

Our vacation photo album often indicates that I'm not on the vacation with the rest of the family. Being the person who desires so much to remember every detail often means I'm the one taking all the photos. Chad and I have to get better at remedying this issue. When we are 96 and senile, looking through our photos I don't want to overexert myself wondering if I was on a particular trip with the family. 

Thankfully, smart phones have a fancy little switcharoo button and I can turn it around to take a few selfie shots. This one shows off my cool hat and my cool husband. 

Did I mention I have a cool husband? One thing I love about Chad is he is always willing to try. And try. And try. He will work on a computer issue for hours when I easily give up in seconds. I can't figure it out? Meh. Who needs to know, anyway. But not Chad. He's got grit. 

Our friend, Tyler, enjoys surfing. He's got his own board and boards to teach others. He took my cool husband who tried. And tried. And tried. He did not give up, got board rash on his stomach, and experienced fatigue from crashing through waves, and paddling out over and over and over. 

This is how Chad surfs. Grit. 

These two sandy beauties tumbled around in the waves for hours. One liked it more than the other. I bet you are guessing the wrong one. 

This was taken moments after Kyle hoisted Esther over his shoulder and threw her in the waves. The happiness of their faces give me warm fuzzies. They love each other so much, but clearly Kyle is passed the cuddle with his sister stage. 

Oh, Tyler and Megan. What can I say? Think of the nicest people you know and multiply it by a hundred or a thousand. That is Tyler and Megan. Their gentleness, kindness, hilariousness is not contrived, but sincere and up-lifting. I have a feeling everywhere they go, people are drawn to them. They are the kind of people you want on your team or in your tribe. We didn't know them all that well entering their space, but the results of the comfortability test were shown through my kids. Each of them chatted it up, laughed and shared stories from life, gave movie character impersonations, enjoyed surfing and boogie boarding lessons. My eyes well up when I think of how well Tyler and Megan loved my giant family for the few days we lived with them. We experienced four days of up in your face, real questions and conversation, super spicy delicious pulled pork, sand all over your floor, wait for pizza for two hours conviviality with these two. God used them to fill our buckets which equals vacation success.  

They've offered to host us again. My kids have already asked to go back, but not just to play at the beach, but to be with Tyler and Megan.  

My favorite, favorite photo of the summer draws me in to remember the salty breeze, the crackling logs, the laughter and panting of the foot races down the beach, the gooey white mess on my fingers and lips. We were fully relaxed. Completely recharged. Our best selves. 

Soap and Mod Podge

We started this summer out strong with scripture memory. Each morning we each sat quietly in the living room, reading our own books, reviewing our own memory packets, and memorizing our own new verses. This lasted for about a minute, not the entire summer like I had hoped. 

But was I ever crafty! I mean, I made my own laundry detergent for Pete's sake. For some of you this is probably old news. You've been making your own soap, lip balm, lotion, weaving your own shirts and baskets, and grinding your own wheat to make homemade bread unless, of course, you're gluten free. For me, making laundry soap is very homestead spectacular. 

All joking aside, I love the stuff. It only costs me about ten bucks to make. When I take the clothes out of the washer, they feel clean without any residue. I would encourage you to try it if you are into that sort of thing. I won't go back to store bought laundry detergent. Ok. Let's just be real. I'm not that committed. I'll go back to store bought as soon as I have a hundred loads piling up and no supplies to make more. The ease of a Costco run will beckon me away from my clean, dye free, chemical free, tree hugging, homemade, wonder soap.  

The shadows over the detergent prove to you what a fantastic photographer I am, but I desired to give you proof of homemade soap. You can find my original pinterest pin here. 

And by crafty, I mean craaaa-fty. The pin that gave me this pinteresting idea had no instructions, so I just had to wing it. Tori gave me a gift card to Hobby Lobby for my birthday that had been burning a hole in my pocket for months, but I wanted to be purposeful with my purchase so I just held onto it until I knew exactly what I wanted to create. 

Mod Podge makes me feel like I could be a designer on HGTV. 

On this day of crafts, I used Mod Podge, spray varnish, and a hot glue gun. I wondered a few times where my normal craft heebie jeebies fled because I actually had a great time creating!

The finished product is very cute. I love it. However, there is a design flaw for now. I need some sort of dowel to run through the letters to make it more stable, but I don't want the rod to show. Do you know when I'm going to figure out the stability situation for this name tower? Probably never. I've exhausted my craftiness for the next few years. 

We've been living in our house for five years which means we've been working on our house for five years. I'm blessed to be married to a guy that knows how to do so much. He recruits help and works in his free time. Many people in our community have left their marks on our home projects. Thanks to all of you for your help! We appreciate you so much! 

Painted walls have completely changed how we feel about the space. Orange may not be for everyone, but the bright colors inspire creativity and fun and we want our teenage kids and their friends to know this is a fun home. It's part of our parenting strategy. We spend many hours playing in our new "rec room." 

These two obsess over ping pong. 

Orange and gray. I love it. We will take care of floors at some point. DIY and budget restrict what you can do and when you can do it. Can you relate? 

This will be a work in progress. I plan to add to and rearrange often. My kids already make fun of me for how much I mess with it. I want the shelves to be filled with meaningful items...gifts from people I love, photos, decor from my masquerade party. I look forward to how it morphs through the years. 

This room is just off the rec room. The whole space is open. Kids can study, watch their own weird shows, play Skip Bo for dayz. And yes, we are crazy enough to have a white sofa. We found it at a consignment shop, vintage 1960s for an amazing price. That's right. I have crafts and vintage stuff. Who am I? 

 What have you been up to lately? Do you have any fun projects to share with us? I would love to know about it! 

Tears and Good Gifts

As I drove through the parking lot towards the exit, the lump in my throat turned into misty drops under my eyelids trying to sneak their way out. I chastised myself out loud.

"What in the world is wrong with you? You've been dropping kids off for their first day of school for 12 years now. They will be fine. Every year they are fine. And grow. And learn. And mature. And still love you through it all. Don't be a baby."

Of course, my straight forward pep talk to myself did not stop the tears. Within five minutes I was praying and daydreaming about each child in college trying to figure out how to buy groceries for themselves or not getting lost on the way to class because the university they attend will probably be humungous or wondering what their own unique way of expressing themselves in the world will look like or how many of their friends will I get to meet and cook for if they end up going to U of A?

All because school started again. Every year I have the same thoughts. Every year I pray the same prayers.

God, direct their hearts towards you.

Teach them to seek your glory and not their own. 

Help them to be path-makers and not path-takers. 

When difficulties come this year (and they always do), help them to look for you and what you want to teach them. Refine them. Give me grace and patience as you refine me by watching how you refine them. 

Make their faith in you their own, apart from Chad and me, but also because of what we've taught them. 

Teach them to ask questions and to know that you are not afraid or intimidated by any question they may have. 

During the summer my heart sometimes grows heavy with worry, over-active questions, concern for the hard worker I desire to be in my family and in my church. For years I've been somewhere between stay at home mom and working mom. My employment and ministry affords me the opportunity to be flexible and present in almost all of my kids' daily lives. Sometimes I feel exhausted, confused, and guilt-ridden.

Am I home enough with them? Did I leave them too long to meet with those women? Are they resentful of the work I do with the church? Are they able to be motivated when I'm not around to do something other than watch TV and bicker?

The same type of questions echo in my mind about my work. Do people understand that my family is my main priority? Am I giving enough time to meet and listen with women God has placed in my life? Why haven't I read more, written more, spoken more?

But then Jesus guides my heart to grow heavy with repentance, love, anticipation, thankfulness, and awe of the roles He has given me in this crazy life.

Whatever you do work at it with all your heart as if working for the Lord and not for men. 

Colossians 3:23

My motivation in all of this must be "working for the Lord." Did you notice how my worrisome questions are oh so self-centered? My worry, fret, and fear is often motivated from the not so pretty place of self.

The first day of school every year reminds me to surrender my selfish desires for my kids and to trust that he entrusted them to Chad and me to parent, to love, to guide, to teach. He asks me to believe that just as I claim Christ to be enough in my life, He is more than enough in theirs. He wants me to know His plans for each of their futures far exceeds my own limited ability to hope and dream for them. He knows how to give good gifts. 

And now I'm crying again.